Dealing with Heartbreak: Five Steps to Recovery

Of all the emotional turmoil that humans suffer, heartbreak is among the worse. Marriages, and other committed relationships, are deep emotional investments and aspirations for great and beautiful things.?When they end, for whatever reason, the wind is knocked out of our sails.?We are devastated. Pained. It is as if a part of life itself has been taken from us. How do we recover?

It is an undeniable fact that all relationships end.?One way or another. When a relationship ends because of death, we are faced with the emotional loss of the relationship, but not with the other emotional issues that exist when a relationship ends because of divorce, separation, or other reasons.?In any case, this all-encompassing suffering is commonly referred to as heartbreak.

In Elisabeth Kubler-Rosses’ blockbuster book, On Death and Dying, she introduced the widely accepted stages of dealing with one’s own death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These same steps can be put to work to deal with the devastating pain of heartbreak.?The article explains how.

Denial

The news that an important relationship is ending is difficult to come to grips with.?It is easier to deny the reality. “Oh, she’ll come to her senses.” “He’ll realize he can’t live without me.” The fact is, on average, every other relationship ends because at least one person in the relationship wants out. Often the other person does not see it coming.?The easiest thing to do is to deny the reality.

Sooner or later, however, the reality sets in.?This time it’s for real.?This time they are not kidding.?The relationship is over.?Dying, if not dead.?Or so it seems.?This leads smoothly to the next stage.

Anger

“How dare he after all the sacrifices I made for him?”?“She doesn’t appreciate all that I did for her!” And so on.?

The sadist part of this stage is that often ?all the love that has built the relationship may be converted into hate. It’s almost as if there was never any love in the relationship.

Hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is.

When couples are in the “hate mode” they are still very much in love, however, instead of acknowledging the painful sting of loss, it is easier to lash out with hate.?Anger is easier than sadness.?The anger stage of heartbreak is a small step from the denial stage and leads to the next stage.

Bargaining

Here is where individuals invest all of their energies into making emotional, behavioral, and even spiritual “deals” in order to prevent the breakup. Inevitably there are reasons for the breakup. They have been discussed before.?Promises have been made.?Promises have been broken.?But this time it will be different!

Typically, there are vows to change behavior and emotional responses to situations.?Often these offers are met with skepticism if not outright rejection. Many times, people seek professional help at this stage.?It’s a last-ditch effort to put the relationship back together again. More often than not, professional help at this stage fails.

The final, painful, bargaining appeal is made to God: “I promise I will change this and that if you get me out of this mess.”?When the miracle is not forthcoming, the next stage begins.

Depression

There is a big difference between depression and sadness.?Sadness is a response to a situation or event, and depression is a response that involves a downward spiral. A race to the bottom. A decision to suffer and fry in one’s emotional juices. It is important to get out of this stage as soon as possible.?Nothing good comes from depression.?So how?

There are three decisions that we make every day.?Our lives essentially revolve around these three decisions.?First, we decide what we are going to focus on.?Every situation or event can contain several components.?They may range from horrific, to not so bad, and even good.?What do you choose to focus on??To a large degree, we wind up becoming what we focus on. It therefore behooves us to focus on the most optimistic part of any situation.

Once we decide to focus on something, we must decide what it means.?The meaning that we assign to a situation largely determines what we will get out of it.?There is no way to paint a happy face on heartbreak, but does it mean the end of life as you know it, or an opportunity for change, that ultimately will become positive? Out of the ashes rises the Phoenix.

We rarely get what we think we deserve, but we almost always get what we expect.

And finally, we must decide what we are going to do, if anything. ?What is the most productive line of action??Should we do anything??Do we have enough information? Should we wait and see??What to do?

In my experience a careful look and what we are focusing on, what it means, and what we are going to do, will reverse the depressive spiral and eventually lead to the last stage.

Acceptance

It is inevitably true that life involves a lot of suffering. There will be pain.?There will be sickness. There will be hurt feelings and rejection.?And ultimately, none of us will get out of this alive!?But the sting of heartbreak is not an end in itself.?It is a bump in the road, or perha, a crater.?We can fight it, but we can not win.?In the end we must accept it.

As one who has survived many heartbreaks, my best advice is to carefully guard your dignity, be careful to retain your self-worth, and be ready and willing to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. Ultimately, the universe is very forgiving.

Life can be a mosaic mural, a big picture made of many small and intricate tiles. When we stand too close, we can’t see the big picture. When we step back, we can see how the heartbreak fits into the big picture, into the totality of our life.

The sting of heartbreak can be devastating, but it is important to remember, “This too shall pass.”