Dealing with a Difficult Person

Conflict is a fundamental part of life. Whether in our personal or business lives everyone encounters people that seem difficult. We may compartmentalize this type of problem and simply say "we just don't see eye to eye". Or perhaps we feel that this person was put on earth simply to make our lives utterly miserable.

Sometimes you can brush this troublesome person aside and focus on other things. But usually, especially in a work setting where your success depends on this individual, it can lead to tremendous stress. Many of my mentoring conversations center around helping mentees deal with one or more difficult people they regularly confront.

There is one useful tool I've often suggested to help mentees either resolve or lessen the impact of conflict with their adversaries. That tool is empathy - the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Even if you are not naturally empathetic, it is a skill you should acquire and through practice make better.

The wise Seth Godin, author and business executive, posted a wonderful article on the subject. It's quite short and worth the read. Seth posits that deciding another person's actions are motivated by stupidity or evilness is rarely helpful. Instead it's far more practical to focus on the context of the situation and the motivation of the person you're dealing with.

Let me quote from that article on empathy: "If you want to know why someone does what they do, start with what they know, what they believe and where they came from."

The amount of conflict with an individual is inversely proportional to your understanding of that individual. No one says you have to agree with that person. That's ok. Just seek to understand - always. It's unlikely to change that person's behavior but it will put a far less vexing frame around them in your mind. And over time that mental reframing alone may transform that difficult person into an ally.

"The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend." - Abraham Lincoln