Dealing with Difficult Colleagues

Even if we have 20 colleagues who we get on well with, if there is ONE who we find 'difficult' then they can take up so much of our thinking, our time and our emotional energy. I meet with a wide variety of clients in Purpose sessions, at all levels and from a range of business sectors - and 'dealing with difficult colleagues' is by far the most common problem that people want to discuss and work through.

Can you relate to this yourself? Do you have someone at work who - no matter what you try - frustrates you, annoys you, upsets you, and generally makes you working day a challenge?

Do you dread going into meetings with them?

Is it making you anxious about going into work, or even making you think about leaving? It can be particularly tough if this person is your manager.

There isn’t one single fix that suits every situation, because this person is unique, and so is your own experience of them.

That said, there is one big piece of advice I would give to anyone who is struggling with a difficult colleague:

???? Don’t waste your time trying to understand WHY this person is being the way they are ????

You can easily go around and around in circles trying to understand their personality and behaviour, but the reality is that you won’t ever know exactly why they do what they do, or say what they say.

If it is an isolated incident, then yes, this can be dealt with in a different way. But if it is them as a PERSON you are finding difficult, then it is a waste of your time trying to analyse their character or behaviour.

The important thing is YOUR reaction to them.

?? How do YOU experience them?

?? What impact do they have on YOU?

?? How do YOU behave in response to them?

?? How do YOU communicate with them?

?? Do they remind you in some way of OTHER PEOPLE you have had difficulties with in the past?

Perhaps there are different approaches YOU can take in how you work with them. You may think you have exhausted all options, but if you can try to uncover more about what exactly it is about this person that frustrates or upsets you, there may be more options you are yet to consider. Perhaps you need to speak with them to address the problem - but what initial steps can you take, or gestures can you make, to show that you want to engage with them in a productive way?

Perhaps what is blocking you is the fact that this person actually reminds you of someone else from your past, where there is still some unresolved conflict? When this happens - and it can be referred to in some cases as 'Transference' - we can sometimes, without realising, revert to a certain way of communicating with someone because this is a pattern of behaviour we have developed with someone else.

The problem is that a lot of these patterns of behaviour have developed unconsciously...and the only way to uncover them is to seek external help from someone else, who can help us make links between our past and our present.

With this in mind, do you sometimes WISH you could say something to a colleague, but you don't know how?

Perhaps someone on your team does something that frustrates you, annoys you, or gets in the way of you doing your job.

But...raising difficult topics takes courage, and isn't easy. It can often feel more comfortable to NOT say anything, not rock the boat, and instead to just 'let it go'. The problem is that, over time, this can lead to resentments, breakdowns in communication, and even wanting to leave.

It can be even more tricky if the person in question is your manager, a friend outside of work, or someone who is known to get upset or angry.

A lot of it is to do with fear:

?? Fear of rejection

?? Fear of conflict

?? Fear of uncomfortable feelings

?? Fear of an unpredictable response

...so, talking it through first with someone who is completely separate can be a great help.

Then, when it comes to raising the issue, the MOST important thing is to PAVE THE WAY for the conversation. If you raise the subject out of the blue, unprovoked, OR if it comes out 'in the moment', this is likely to backfire. Instead, by paving the way through saying something like:

?? "I'd really like to have a chat with you about something that is important to me. Can we please talk later?" ??

...this shows that you respect the other person; that this is important; and that you want to resolve it amicably without falling out.

After all - if someone wanted to raise something difficult with you, wouldn't you want to be given the heads-up in advance yourself?

Starting with a respectful tone will go a long way towards making the experience more productive, and can remove one aspect of what is making you nervous.

Sometimes, the healthiest way to process situations like the ones above it is to TALK about it, with someone who is completely separate from your colleagues, friends and family. Someone who is a qualified professional who understands the kind of environment you work in, but who isn't involved and can help you work through things privately, confidentially and objectively. This is where Purpose Mentoring can help you. You are very welcome to get in touch for a free initial consultation, to talk about your current situation and discuss how a Purpose session, or a series of sessions, can be of assistance.

I am a qualified counsellor who also has over 17 years' experience in the busy, pressurised world of recruitment and business management. I help people who are trying to balance the daily challenges of their work alongside responsibilities at home. I invite you to get in touch for a private, confidential chat.

www.purposementoring.com