DEALING WITH CRITICISM

We are mostly inclined or conditioned to see criticism in a negative way. But if we are completely honest, criticism is an expression of thought or feeling by one person, directed at another, and it is therefore undeniably a form of communication.

So, what is the goal of any communication? The goal of the orator is always to air thoughts or feelings and usually expecting a response from the addressee. Apart from morals and societal norms, which the critic might subscribe to, the addressee has little control over the content or presentation of the criticism and is initially, almost exclusively, required to receive the communication and then respond.

Understanding the foundation of criticism, communication, suggests we apply the first principle or pillar of communication when receiving criticism, empathy. I step out of myself and into the orator’s shoes to ascertain their real motivation or object. In some instances it can be completely negative with a personal and destructive objective as its sole motivation. But in most instances it could have some merit and be aimed at improving the relationship between the participants somehow, positive. In these last mentioned instances, the criticism may be partially or completely valid and expelling it on the sole basis of its being criticism, would surely be unwise?

Now the question arises, how to handle criticism and more especially the critic?

I have a simple three point rule that I teach my kids:

1.        If the criticism is invalid (completely untrue), thank the person for caring enough to take the time to speak with you and ignore their criticism.

This sounds crazy, right? Your immediate reaction is to enter into an argument with the person or possibly even want to slap them? Well, having stepped into their shoes you should realize that they are functioning out of vindictiveness and this usual “aggressive” reaction is exactly what they are looking to entice! You would be playing completely and directly into their hand by reacting in this way? But thanking them for caring, when they actually don’t, is like emptying a bucket of ice water on a burning match! Your being so “thick skinned” and not succumbing to their confrontational invitation might just prevent future recurrences – their negativity apparently having no effect on you and you actually being thankful for it will probably confound their thinking, completely! Completely the opposite of what they were hoping for?

2.        If the criticism is partially valid, thank the person, shake their hand, adjust accordingly and regard them as a very special friend.

In the absence of vindictiveness ANY criticism is actually positive, the critic expressing the desire to contribute to the betterment of the relationship in some way! This fact is even more so when criticism has some amount of truth to it? Many friends really don’t contribute to your development, are merely there for mutual amusement and might rather laugh behind your back than dare to criticize you for the sake of an improved relationship?

So, this critic might actually be worth more in terms of your self-development than the combined sum total of all your friends!

3.        If the criticism is completely valid, embrace the person, thank them and keep them closer than relatives, as close as family, because they are obviously observant and worthwhile assets in your self-improvement endeavors.

Watching talent auditions can be quite heartbreaking: someone with absolutely no talent making a public spectacle of themselves because friends and/or family said they had the requisite talent! So the caveat expressed above relating to friends applies similarly, if not more so, to relatives and family – not wanting to hurt your feelings, they might not always be honest with you?

Seeing as I’ve used the word it makes sense to highlight it. In dealing with criticism, honesty is an essential ingredient. You have to be clinically honest with yourself in the light of criticism and of course you always should want honesty from others? No matter how uncomfortable honesty might be it will always serve to prevent future embarrassment, guaranteed.

 In conclusion, criticism is merely a manifestation of communication and not something to be regarded with automatic disdain. It is our choice whether we perceive criticism in a positive light and make use of the potential it brings with it or not. Fact is, most things in life are replaceable but a relationship with a specific person often isn’t. Don’t allow your response to criticism to destroy your relationships but rather focus on your response strengthening and improving them.