Dealing with child's negativity!

A dad recently asked me, ‘how do I stop my child being so negative all the time?’

It can be really hard when we are constantly met with a sour face, a grunt, negative comments or an unenthusiastic reply to everything we suggest. These behaviours in our children can really provoke deep emotions in us that we might find hard to control, or know what to do with.?

So let’s start by talking about the difference between feelings and emotions and why this difference is important

Basically, a feeling is conscious, and an emotion is unconscious.?

And it’s important to see the difference because often our child’s behaviour and actions are triggered by emotions like sadness, confusion, anger etc. Unconscious emotions that are triggered by the outside world.

They are not happy either with the way they react or behave, they might even feel guilty afterwards that they said what they said, or gave you the face that they did. They know they’ve hurt you and no child wants to do that, not consciously. It is their emotions, their unconscious mind, in a way that makes them do it. Sending them a signal that something needs to change, something is not OK right now.?

Now, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t to take responsibility for their actions or that we just do nothing about it and let them get away with the way they behaved. But it might give some insight as to WHY they do it. And it might help you be a bit more curious instead of furious about why your child does and says these things. Even better, you can help them tune into these emotions by translating them and offering constructive support around how to manage or simply be with the emotions.???

So next time your child behaves in a way that leaves you confused, disappointed, sad or angry - STOP and THINK about the WHY and WHAT.

• Why?did they do it??Are they tired, they didn’t understand what you asked of them or said, are they in sensory overload, hungry, has something happened, is it just a phase, we are in their space, we are being controlling, they just don’t want to so something (i.e. go for a walk with you) etc.??
• What?did they get out of it??It might be that the child has learned that if they push hard enough or scream loud enough, they eventually get what they want because you might get tired, confused, feel guilty etc. This is something called ‘manipulation behaviour’,?where the clever child has learned that over time, they will get what they want or get out of what they don’t want to do etc.?

In the above case, this dad had recently become single and didn’t have the energy to deal with his son's moods and behaviour plus he didn’t want to be the ‘bad cop’ in the parenting relationship, so he gave in every time his son was upset. So the boy’s behaviour was partly learned, we might even say rewarded, by the outcome.??

• What?are they trying to tell you??All behaviours are communication, but often a child is too immature to say it ‘nicely’ or even with words, so it might come out a different way. So, try to ‘translate’ what they are trying to express.??
• Example:?I hate you…might be that they are just trying to say, ‘I don’t agree that I need to go to bed at 8 o’clock now that I’m 13 years old, can we talk about a new bedtime routine?’?
• Or when a parent asks a child, ‘would you like to go to the cinema with me?’ and all they get is a sulking face and a grunt. They might be saying, ‘yes that would be lovely - but I’m a teen now, so I have to be cool about it!’ So instead, you might try something like, ‘I really want to be with you, let’s go to the cinema - you can choose the film’ and ignore the rest.?
• Don’t respond to what is actually coming out of their mouth but to what is behind it.?

Why?is it hard for you to be around??Also have a think about why this is so hard for YOU? Maybe you are afraid of the battles that can come when communicating with your child when they throw negativity at you? Guilt because of what’s going on in your life, maybe you feel that you don’t want to add additional stress into the home (divorce, work, SEN etc). Are you confused about how to deal with it, what is the right response and then just fight or freeze…why is this so hard for YOU? Maybe you need to work on being better at?saying NO and take the consequences??

The solution is a joint effort

Now that you have done some awareness work let’s look at some tips that you can implement as a joint effort – this is not only about changing the child’s behaviour but also about our role in reducing or increasing it, maybe we are even encouraging it? So, what can YOU do to improve the situation??

1. Role model, don’t tell them how to go through life, show them

• Now, here it is important and I state very strongly that you are NOT the problem, but the solution. When I spoke to the dad he admitted that he found life a bit hard and was often ‘down’ and struggled with his mood and attitude to life. Two years ago, he went through a really tough separation and was still struggling being alone every second weekend. He found he was often responding to everyday small tasks, actions, events and conversations with a negative twist:?
• ‘You have such a lovely garden’ - ‘Yes but it’s so big that it takes ages to cut the grass’.?Even though he loved his garden and it was his pride and joy and where he found peace.??
• ‘How is work going?’ -?‘So hard, we are in the middle of a big project, and it can often be stressful’. Even though he loved his job.

I think you can see what I’m getting at here. The boy was exposed to this constant negativity towards life, even the good things. So the dad made a conscious effort to look more ‘on the bright side of life’, at least when he was with his son.?

2. Let them feel

This is a hard one. Maybe we need to allow them to be a bit negative about life without feeling we always have to fix it. I know it’s annoying but at the end of the day it doesn’t help to tell them to STOP being negative or moody or BE more positive or happy. So often we fall into the trap of trying to STOP these irritating, hurtful and shameful reactions. Maybe we tell them ‘STOP being so negative’, DON’T be so ungrateful’ or ‘try to see the positive in it’, ‘you will get over it and enjoy it’, etc.

But remember, these are not your feelings, and you have no rights over your child, only responsibilities. You have no right to tell them what to feel or how not to feel. This is a free country, and they can feel what they want. But it IS your responsibility to teach them or show them what to do with these feelings.?

Send a signal that it’s OK to have feelings; when you tell them to STOP feeling something or how to feel instead you are telling them that their emotions are wrong. But there are no wrong emotions and feelings – this IS how they feel. So instead, try to send a signal that doesn’t lead to shame, blame or criticism.?

This was a really hard one for the dad, he desperately wanted to stop the negativity and change it, to help. So, to just do nothing seemed so wrong. But here is what he did instead:

• When the child was negative i.e. ‘I’m NOT going to the park with YOU again, it is so lame’, he came from a place?of?listen, understand and accept: I can HEAR that you are not in the mood right now to go to the park, I get that (understand) and that is OK (accept).
• Then he could?choose to ignore the rest. If his son kept going, dad would walk away or just repeat the above. At this point he placed all of his energy on just?BEING & BREATHING?– no more words or actions.?

3. Be able to live in it by accepting it just as it is

In order to be able to ignore and just BE & BREATHE you need to be able to accept and ‘be in’ the situation. So, for now, try to just accept that this is how it IS right now. There is no need to fix it or stop it. Just accept it, this doesn’t mean that you have given up or given in to a difficult situation, it merely means that for NOW you can contain the situation.??

This can be really powerful for the child who is also suffering, you are sending a signal that you are OK in yourself and the moment, that you and the child are still OK, and that you accept how they feel without the need to fix or stop it.?

Reminders of what NOT to do

• Take it personally:?these are their emotions and most likely nothing to do with you.?
• Become the martyr:?I am so good to you, I do so much for you, I worked really hard organising this.
• Try to fix it by telling them to stop feeling or what to feel instead:?Stop being so moody, be a bit more positive, no need to moan etc.?

And Remember

• This is most likely nothing to do with you.
• You are the solution, not the problem.
• These are not your feelings or emotions to fix.?
• They are allowed to have emotions, and it is OK to have strong?emotions.?
• Your job is to role model, listen and BE and BREATHE in the situation.?
• You can ignore the behaviour that you don’t like but stay connected to the child - you are ignoring the behaviour not the child.
• Be patient, most likely it will pass and your child will go back to being that lovely happy child again. Children grow up so quickly and in order to do so they need to pass through so many phases in their life, all of which bring different confusing emotions with them from baby to toddler, to early childhood, childhood, tween, teen and so on.

This is their journey too.

Wishing you all the best,

Mette?

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