Dealing with child's negativity!
A dad recently asked me, ‘how do I stop my child being so negative all the time?’
It can be really hard when we are constantly met with a sour face, a grunt, negative comments or an unenthusiastic reply to everything we suggest. These behaviours in our children can really provoke deep emotions in us that we might find hard to control, or know what to do with.?
So let’s start by talking about the difference between feelings and emotions and why this difference is important
Basically, a feeling is conscious, and an emotion is unconscious.?
And it’s important to see the difference because often our child’s behaviour and actions are triggered by emotions like sadness, confusion, anger etc. Unconscious emotions that are triggered by the outside world.
They are not happy either with the way they react or behave, they might even feel guilty afterwards that they said what they said, or gave you the face that they did. They know they’ve hurt you and no child wants to do that, not consciously. It is their emotions, their unconscious mind, in a way that makes them do it. Sending them a signal that something needs to change, something is not OK right now.?
Now, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t to take responsibility for their actions
So next time your child behaves in a way that leaves you confused, disappointed, sad or angry - STOP and THINK about the WHY and WHAT.
In the above case, this dad had recently become single and didn’t have the energy to deal with his son's moods and behaviour plus he didn’t want to be the ‘bad cop’ in the parenting relationship, so he gave in every time his son was upset. So the boy’s behaviour was partly learned, we might even say rewarded, by the outcome.??
Why?is it hard for you to be around??Also have a think about why this is so hard for YOU? Maybe you are afraid of the battles that can come when communicating with your child when they throw negativity at you? Guilt because of what’s going on in your life, maybe you feel that you don’t want to add additional stress into the home (divorce, work, SEN etc). Are you confused about how to deal with it, what is the right response and then just fight or freeze…why is this so hard for YOU? Maybe you need to work on being better at?saying NO and take the consequences??
The solution is a joint effort
Now that you have done some awareness work let’s look at some tips that you can implement as a joint effort – this is not only about changing the child’s behaviour but also about our role in reducing or increasing it, maybe we are even encouraging it? So, what can YOU do to improve the situation??
I think you can see what I’m getting at here. The boy was exposed to this constant negativity towards life, even the good things. So the dad made a conscious effort to look more ‘on the bright side of life’, at least when he was with his son.?
2. Let them feel
This is a hard one. Maybe we need to allow them to be a bit negative about life without feeling we always have to fix it. I know it’s annoying but at the end of the day it doesn’t help to tell them to STOP being negative or moody or BE more positive or happy. So often we fall into the trap of trying to STOP these irritating, hurtful and shameful reactions. Maybe we tell them ‘STOP being so negative’, DON’T be so ungrateful’ or ‘try to see the positive in it’, ‘you will get over it and enjoy it’, etc.
But remember, these are not your feelings, and you have no rights over your child, only responsibilities. You have no right to tell them what to feel or how not to feel. This is a free country, and they can feel what they want. But it IS your responsibility to teach them or show them what to do with these feelings.?
Send a signal that it’s OK to have feelings; when you tell them to STOP feeling something or how to feel instead you are telling them that their emotions are wrong. But there are no wrong emotions and feelings – this IS how they feel. So instead, try to send a signal that doesn’t lead to shame, blame or criticism.?
This was a really hard one for the dad, he desperately wanted to stop the negativity and change it, to help. So, to just do nothing seemed so wrong. But here is what he did instead:
3. Be able to live in it by accepting it
In order to be able to ignore and just BE & BREATHE you need to be able to accept and ‘be in’ the situation. So, for now, try to just accept that this is how it IS right now. There is no need to fix it or stop it. Just accept it, this doesn’t mean that you have given up or given in to a difficult situation, it merely means that for NOW you can contain the situation.??
This can be really powerful for the child who is also suffering, you are sending a signal that you are OK in yourself and the moment, that you and the child are still OK, and that you accept how they feel without the need to fix or stop it.?
Reminders of what NOT to do
And Remember
This is their journey too.
Wishing you all the best,
Mette?