Dealing with change

“The only constant in life is change.” Heraclitus

I am going to explore change in detail in coming weeks. You may be asking what “Choosing your right path” has to do with change. Sadly, fellow humans, it would appear that we are reluctant to change paths unless the universe provides us with a hefty kick up the backside.

Even the most driven and disciplined people are resistent to change, particularly if it involves a paradigm shift that challenges a belief system that’s been built up over many years. This belief system has been formed and reinforced by our culture, family, friends etc.

Let’s not forget that delightful inner voice that reminds you daily that you’re simply not good enough and chirps in with “What would Everyone think if you were to become a tantric healer after 30 years in tax consultancy?”.

The truth is we’re unlikely to make significant shifts towards our right path, unless something catalytic happens…..and that will most likely turn your world on its head.

According to Martha Beck, change comes in three forms of catalytic events:?

• Shock - external events that impact our lives significantly, for example death, severe illness, losing a job, an unexpected break-up. These are typically events that happen to you - as the name implies - suddenly and unexpectedly.
• Opportunity - these are also events that happen to you, but usually represent a positive change, for example an unexpected call from a head-hunter, a lottery win or a declaration of love from Brad Pitt (nothing wrong with thinking big!).
• Transition - these events tend to happen slower and are more deliberate, for example the end of a joyless or toxic relationship, or leaving a job that has become intolerable, or offers no growth.

Any one of these changes, when significant enough, will cause a shift in identity and de-stabilise the foundations of your life. They will plunge you into grief, even when you initiate the change yourself, and into the first phase of the change cycle, which Martha calls “Death and Rebirth”, a phase worthy of deep exploration in future weeks.

I am witnessing so many of my old friends and colleagues going through big changes - shock changes - because of job losses, restructurings, acquisitions etc. Nothing represents such a threat to your identity as a job loss.

Take a look at your LinkedIn title? Does it represent who you really are? A spouse, a parent, a loyal friend, a son/daughter, a diver, a rock climber, a stamp collector or reptile-breeder? Most likely it describes your job function - a sales leader, a project manager, an engineer, a food-tester (always wanted to be one of those!)……but that, my dear friends, is just the tip of a very rich iceberg.

It’s so tempting to replace one identity (your job) with exactly the same as you had before. Few feel they have the luxury of re-evaluating their careers, when a mortgage the size of Iceland’s GDP is hovering over their heads.?

The period of loss and grief is an amazing time to review what you really want in your life….and equally what you don’t. Would you advise a close friend coming out of a relationship to plunge straight into another one to fill the void? Unlikely. You’d probably tell them to take time to come to peace, to figure out who they are and what they really want.

When it comes to our careers we apply different logic, because those jobs are financing our lives. You can only ask yourself “By applying for another similar role as the one I just left, am I moving towards the life that I yearn for?” If you are, fantastic! There is also nothing wrong in saying “I choose to work at this level for another X years, because I want to do something else in 5 years and build up a financial buffer”. Red flags for the soul are statements like “I must carry on like this”, or “I can’t walk away”.?

If we do an honest analysis of the things that cost us money every month, we have to ask ourselves “Are they bringing me real joy, or are they giving me short-term pleasure? Am I only getting to taste what the right path could feel like for 20-30 days a year?”. Worse still - “Am I spending money to meet the desires and expectations of others?”. ?

There is nothing like a shock change to make you evaluate whether that mortgage, the leased cars outside and the 3 luxury holidays a year are really making you happy.

I’m no corporate Mother Teresa. I’ve made many mistakes focusing on the wrong priorities and would probably make them all over again, only to learn that pleasure is short-lived and the price for pleasure is many years tied to the hamster-wheel. It may be a gilded hamster-wheel lined with fur, but it’s unfortunately programmed to run in a different direction to my right path.?

The reason for my personal identity shift, was the death of my relationship. It’s not great being newly single at 53, when your skin is on a permanent mission southwards and your “worry lines”, (weren’t they called laughter lines before having children?), are big and deep enough to park a bike. This kind of big life change results in a loss of identity and leaves you feeling deeply vulnerable and naked.

I’ve been through enough big changes by now, to know that grief eventually passes and that there is a very distinct process that you cannot (well, should not) accelerate. Yes, I did everything you’d expect me to do. I changed my hair - warranting comments typical for this phase, like “Wow Georgina, not everyone can carry that hairstyle!” - and large portions of my wardrobe. I booked some ridiculous holidays, bought a camper van and am going to try kite-surfing and paragliding for the first time…..all classic ways of accelerating and numbing the path out of grief. Most importantly, the peace, space and “me time” that the end of my relationship opened up, gave me the chance to build daily spiritual practices and reconnect with myself. Allowing oneself a period of grief and reflection after a big change, leads to a clarity of vision, which in turn leads to attracting the right kind of people, roles and circumstances into your life. I can already feel it happening.

One day you wake up and you can feel in your bones that grief has finally moved on to its next victim; you just know that it’s time for the rebirth. The moment when you emerge from the buckets of ice-cream and Netflix binges and you can see your new identity and the path you want to follow so clearly - it’s beautiful, euphoric even.

Note: If this euphoria is annoying to you, rather than inspiring, fear not dear reader, because this too is a phase that will pass!

I could have filled the void left by the death of my relationship by finding myself another partner. I could have restored the old identity back to a socially acceptable status quo. God knows, no-one wants to be sat next to a single, suspiciously euphoric cat-lady at a couples’ dinner party, waffling on about how everyone saw her knickers when she put on her paragliding-harness!

I chose not to seek a new relationship until I have really figured out who I have become after another big life change. I have chosen self-development, a focus on finding fulfillment within myself, and a deep, deep desire to give back and help others after many very fortunate years in the tech sector.

I have replaced the identity “Partner” with a new identity “Life Coach”…..and now begins the hard, but joyous, work of learning, commitment and delivering on some lofty goals, that are so bold, I blush at the thought of them. Perhaps I will share them someday…..along with pictures of my cat.

Your Wayfinder-in-Training