Dealing with Adversity - Conquering Complaining

By Rabbi Yosef Gesser

The Torah relates in Parashas Eikev that Hashem tested Bnei Yisrael during its 40-year sojourn in the wilderness “in order to afflict you and in order to test you, to do good for you in your end (Devarim 8:16). The Chofetz Chaim explains the level of their commitment to Hashem was being tested. The expression “to test you — nasosecha” implies they were expected to act in an elevated manner notwithstanding the challenging conditions. The Chofetz Chaim notes that Klal Yisrael are an elevated people among the nations; this quality is their hallmark. He cites the Midrash that teaches a person who firmly withstands a nisayon is highly regarded by Hashem.

A man once told the Maggid of Mezeritch that he couldn’t understand the principle of blessing Hashem for the bad just as we bless Him for the good (Brachos 54a). The Maggid told him to visit his talmid Reb Zusha of Anapoli, zy”a. He arrived at Reb Zusha’s home and was aghast at the poverty, illness and other problems he encountered there. Reb Zusha greeted him joyfully.

“The Maggid told me you would explain to me how it is possible to bless Hashem for the bad as we do for the good,” the visitor told Reb Zusha.

“I don’t know why the Maggid sent you here,” Reb Zusha replied. “I can’t help you since I have never experienced anything bad in my life.”

Knowing that passing our tests is a mark of sublimity should help us to avoid negative thinking, which often leads to chronic complaining, and muster a positive muster similar to Reb Zusha’s. But how do we do it?

It is common to complain about other people in our lives — family members, in the workplace or school. We often have an image in our minds of what people should be. These expectations lead to discord and misunderstandings. Learning to accept others as readily as we accept ourselves liberates us from this counterproductive conjecture.

Books and lengthy articles have been written on how to change our thinking patterns. In short, all of us have years of neuro-connections established in our minds. It is difficult for us to apply a new idea since we have feelings and emotions to the contrary. And even if we succeed in changing to some extent, it may feel phony. A helpful tactic may help to act positive for a short time each day even if you know you are not feeling that way. This causes the brain to create new neurons and build new networks, which can lead to significant changes in how we think.

If you find yourself complaining a lot, it may be helpful to ask yourself the following questions.

-Have you thought carefully about whether your complaints are valid?

-When you see a problem do you just complain or do you take the initiative to address the problem?

-If you face a trying situation do you complain or focus on what is going right or going wrong? Do you search for the silver lining?

-Do you consider whether your complaining annoys other people, hurts their feelings or destroys their motivation?

Rabbi Zelig Pliskin (who proposed some of these questions) suggests doing with a smile what needs to be done in any event or setting a fine to pay each time you unnecessarily complain.

What about if we are forced to listen to others’ complaints? A veteran figure in the hotel industry avers that when a guest has an issue with a room or meals, addressing the emotional component of a complaint is the underpinning of the solution. He posits that guests seek validation even more than a resolution to their issue, based on guest surveys and reviews that reflect the sentiment “I was displeased about what happened, but what upset me even more? was that no one seemed to care.” He therefore suggests staff be trained to ensure they understand the root causes of complaints.

In Parashas Behaaloscha (Bamidbar 11) the Bnei Yisrael complained about the mann (the heavenly bread) and the lack of meat to which Moshe Rabbeinu responds, “Why have You dealt ill to Your servant and why have I not found favor in Your eyes?” Harav Avigdor Miller, zt”l,? in his commentary on the Torah, explains that Moshe was alarmed because he knew the people’s displeasure would impair their avodas Hashem, which is energized by gratitude, which in turn, is generated by happiness. An attitude of simchah causes the Shechinah “to rest upon the thinking man who is constantly aware of the Creator because of the constant kindnesses that He bestows.” Because they “became disconsolate and pitied themselves (“mis’on’nim”) they ceased to recognize Hashem’s benefits and they failed to keep Him always in mind. This would result in the departure of the Divine Presence, which was the worst catastrophe that Moshe feared.”?

Let us steel ourselves to search out the good in our lives, with all its details, and articulate them. Such a mindset will welcome Hashem’s Presence into our midst and hopefully make us worthy of His blessings and protection in these challenging times,

Rabbi Yosef Gesser is a longtime writer for Hamodia Newspaper as well as an inspirational speaker on various topics, including dealing with adversity. He can be reached at [email protected].

?(This article appears in the August 20, 2024, issue of Hamodia Daily.)