Deal Breakers. Do They Break The Deal?

Cheating, lying, broke and porn are just a few deal breakers when it comes to relationships. Or are they? 

Over the past 3 decades, I have worked with many couples who wanted to know when is the right time to end a relationship? What are the deal breakers? It’s a great question. Unfortunately, this is not a one size fits all answer. When I say that, the reply I usually get is really? Yes, really. Every individual will have make or breaks for themselves in their relationships. But in reality, they are subject to change when they are faced with them.

I know couples who on paper {and in real life} are perfect for each other. They date for a year or two, and then the discussion turns to marriage and children. They both are on board for marriage, but one of them has no desire to have children, let alone raise them. Deal breaker. Or, what about the couple that has been together for 30 years, and one of them stepped out and had an affair? They end up in my office, and after some honest discussion about needs and fears, they quickly were able to get back on track and move past the infidelity. 

The truth is that one persons “deal breaker” is another persons “I’m okay with that”. We see this a lot when speaking of porn. Some couples would say that watching porn is off limits, or at least should be watched together. But there are always variables to that. What if they have been together for years, and are happily in love. However, one of them does not need sex like they did 10 years ago. Porn then becomes a viable option for some. Or maybe something is organically wrong with one of them, and intercourse is extremely painful? Again deal breakers are not straight across the board. 

What about the client that came to me because they were just getting back into the dating scene. She was “high maintenance” {her words not mine}, well to do and very well educated. Although she lacked some social grace, she was set on this one particular item. That no man could have any debt if she was to date him. I put out a few examples for her to see where she was at. I mentioned a gentleman who just graduated medical school and landed a very prestigious job. Without hesitation, her answers was “nope”. I was a little surprised by that, but she knew what she wanted, and she didn’t want debt.

I bring up these points for one specific reason. Learn to communicate your needs and concerns. Like the couple that I mentioned earlier who had been dating for a year plus. But now that the conversation of children was on the table, they both walked away feeling like they had wasted time. 

Yes, there is an appropriate time to have these conversations. Yes, in most cases, the first date is not that time. But, if we don’t discuss our deal breakers, we run the risk of feeling like we too have wasted time. Would you rather be uncomfortable in having this conversation prior to “someone breaking the deal”? Or, would you rather try and sort it out after the fact? Because if someone doesn’t know what your deal breakers are, it really isn’t entirely their fault. Trust me. Some people are okay and even move past an outside affair. Yet others have ended relationships because their partner literally spends too much time with their friends. 

Deal breakers. One persons pain, is another persons “no problem”. Do yourself a favor. Talk about your deal breakers before they break the deal.