As Deadly As Poison

A common emotion that can have a significant impact on our relationships, well-being, and overall quality of life. Resentment! Let's explore what causes resentment, how to avoid it, and strategies for letting go of resentment when it arises.

Early in my recovery, I heard "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die". That really resonated with me. I seemed to always feel resentful. Resentment stems from feelings of injustice, hurt, or frustration resulting from perceived mistreatment, unmet expectations, or perceived unfairness. Yes! To all of these! The most common causes of resentment are unresolved conflicts or misunderstandings, a lack of communication or empathy, power imbalances or perceived inequalities, betrayal or perceived violations of trust, and/or persistent feelings of neglect or disrespect. For me, a person who struggled with a low sense of self-worth and self-esteem issues, all of these applied.

Once I got into the work of recovery I turned my focus to solution. The main cause of my resentments was expectations. I had a very high (but undisclosed) bar for people. I set it so high to guarantee failure so the resentment I would cop would be justified. It was a crazy, endless cycle with no winners but one big loser....me.

Expectation

An expectation is a belief or anticipation that something will happen or be achieved in the future. It involves having a specific idea or hope about how a situation will unfold or how someone will behave. It's like trying to control someone or something by thinking about it and about as effective. The kind of expectation you hold can affect how a resentment develops. Let's break it down.

Unrealistic Expectations: When we have unrealistic or uncommunicated expectations of others, we set ourselves up for disappointment and frustration. For example, expecting someone to always know what we need without clearly expressing it can lead to resentment when those needs are not met.

Unspoken Expectations: Sometimes, we may hold expectations of others without explicitly communicating them. (This is ridiculous and I did it constantly. Just waiting for people to disappoint me). When these expectations are not met, we may feel resentful, even though the other person may not have been aware of what we expected from them.

Conditional Expectations: Holding expectations that are contingent upon certain conditions being met can also lead to resentment. For instance, expecting recognition or appreciation for our efforts, and feeling resentful when it doesn't materialize, can strain relationships and foster negative feelings.

Comparative Expectations: Comparing ourselves or others to certain standards or benchmarks can also fuel resentment. (Compare and despair.) When we perceive ourselves or others as falling short of these expectations, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy or resentment towards ourselves or others.

Lack of Flexibility: Rigid expectations that do not allow for flexibility or adaptation to changing circumstances can also contribute to resentment. Being unwilling to adjust our expectations in response to changing situations or the needs of others can create tension and conflict in relationships.

How to Avoid Resentment:

While it's natural to experience moments of frustration or disappointment, there are steps we can take to prevent resentment from taking hold (who knew). Here are a few ways I learned that really help:

• Communicate openly: Address issues or concerns as they arise, and strive to communicate openly and honestly with others.
• Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and communicate your needs and expectations to others. Respect others' boundaries as well.
• Practice empathy: Try to understand others' perspectives and motivations, and approach interactions with empathy and compassion. I have to take a pause with this one and put myself in the other person's shoes. I need to feel how they feel, what they are going through, and how this scenario is playing out for them. Then, I can find empathy.
• Manage expectations: Be realistic about what you can expect from others, and avoid setting unrealistic or unattainable expectations. This one is about letting go. Letting others have their own process.
• Address conflicts promptly: Address conflicts or misunderstandings promptly and constructively, rather than letting resentment fester over time. I usually have to step out of a situation, get down to what I am feeling, and determine what the fear is, (Because that is the root of my anger) then I can step back in and address a conflict with a level head and respond instead of react.

How to Let Resentment Go:

If you find yourself holding onto resentment, here are some strategies to help you let go:

Acknowledge your feelings: Recognize and acknowledge your feelings of resentment without judgment. Accept that it's okay to feel this way.

Identify the source: Reflect on the underlying causes of your resentment and consider whether they are within your control.

Practice forgiveness: Consider forgiving the person or situation that caused your resentment, not necessarily for their sake but for your own emotional well-being.

Focus on gratitude: Shift your focus away from negative emotions by practicing gratitude for the positive aspects of your life.

Seek support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist for support and guidance in processing your feelings of resentment. Talking it out with someone whom I know is good with letting go or turning things over is whom I call.

Resentment is a natural human emotion that can arise in various situations, but it doesn't have to define our relationships or outlook on life. By understanding the causes of resentment, taking proactive steps to avoid it, and employing strategies to let go when it arises, we can cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships and live more fully in the present moment. Remember, it's okay to feel resentment, but it's how we choose to respond to it that ultimately matters.

Tiny Tip: Pause when agitated. Anytime I feel angry, annoyed, hurt, or resentful, I am very reactive. I want to lash out. What I truly want is for the other person to understand what I am feeling but in the reactive state, I can not find the words to convey what I am feeling. My solution? I leave the room, take a walk, sit with my feelings, write out my thoughts, or maybe call someone and talk it out. Once I get down to what is really going on for me, what is driving my fears/feelings I can respond. Not react! It's amazing how profoundly this simple tool has transformed my life. Try it!