Dead Lilacs

First published on my Substack publication In Conscious Motion on May 30, 2023

"The terrible thing about death is that it transforms life into destiny." —?André Malraux

It would appear I’m obsessed with destiny lately. Maybe it’s the march of time, being on the other side of 50 and noting how quickly the seasons change. How May is coming to an end, and the blooms from my beautiful lilac bush which were so fragrant for two weeks, perfuming the night the air as I sat on my porch, are now brown and deadened, the scent now a memory.

I am grateful for the experience of it, though. Not everyone has a porch or a lilac bush. In fact, I had no garden for 5 years at my previous house - the house of divorce, my master’s degree, my assault, and the man who left because I was assaulted. There were many reasons to move. And I am glad I did (honestly, I have a post about it but it feels too risque to share at this point. We’ll see for future…).

This is my first summer with a garden and a porch. I am glad. But the specific joy from one nature gift lasts for such a brief time. The fragrance that seems as if it will last forever evaporates and then it is just a memory.

What is still a memory?

How fast we went from holding our breath in a pandemic to living as if it never happened yet still feeling as if 3 years were lost. Gone. Where did those years go? Why do I still remember March 2020 so clearly? What is this feeling like I am stuck in some ways and yet time marches on?

Malraux said it well: death transforms life into destiny. And that’s the terrible thing.

The people who appear to have it figured out - all those gurus out there with things to say, many of whom have insightful yet often privileged viewpoints - tell us to just come from our hearts, do what is right, be in alignment with your truth.

Yes, yes, and yes.

And yet, many of us are struggling. All of us have bills to pay. We want to make something of ourselves. Make meaning. Of our time. Of our lives.

What do you do with life when it didn’t turn out as you wanted?

How do you change it?

Faith and Serendipity

In my previous post, I offered the Johari window as a tool to unlock our unconscious biases and become more aware of our conscious biases. How did you do with that? Are there any of those tools that you picked up and started using? Journaling, a therapist? Being curious?

Curiosity. That is my favorite. I catch myself making assumptions of myself and others when I don’t know the truth. I try to catch myself, as it’s a well-ingrained habit. We all do - that’s why there’s psychology, and counselors, and huge industries with the mission of helping people communicate better. Our assumptions can get us into trouble. I only know my own filtered truth. And that is all we have, the awareness (fully realized or perhaps just emerging) of what is true for ourselves which does not have all the pieces of the picture. If we turn our attention towards being curious, we train ourselves to reduce jumping to conclusions and to ask and consider another perspective before we make a decision about something. More effort? Yes. But more chance of understanding the situation. More chance of being in alignment with what is happening, especially those things we cannot yet see.

"I only know my own filtered truth."

When we factor in serendipity/coincidence we often don’t know what’s going on because other factors are there, ones we cannot see - the “X” Factor if you will. That mysterious force that can swoop in and help you when you least expect it and when you most need it. Coincidence can make you laugh, make you believe, make you feel like someone is watching. But in a good way. It can make us feel less alone, like something is helping us along even when life feels kind of pointless and ridiculous in the unending challenges.

"Coincidence can make you laugh, make you believe, make you feel like someone is watching. But in a good way."

I try to make the most of my present day, even as I note the past has slipped by me without my noticing it, what Malraux notes as the terrible thing that forces us to transform our lives.

Do we live it consciously, or stay safe, waiting for… what?

What are you waiting for?

Keep reading here.