Dead Carbs: It’s a thing now…

Great news. New absurdly unscientific research conducted by shady medical school dropouts has discovered that some carbohydrate are "dead", otherwise known as “Dead Carbs”. Yes, that menace molecule of the modern era can be beaten.

Dead Carbs are absolutely harmless and purported, contrary to a massive body of well established research, to have a negative Glycemic Index. These types of carbs contain all the savory sweetness of "live" carbs, but will not increase your dress nor belt sizes one iota.

While disinformation rackets are just starting to discover the different types of Dead Carbs, this is promising to be bigger than Hunter Biden's laptop.

It has been claimed that carbs simply die when contained in a catchy or healthy sounding food name. Yes, it sounds ridiculous because it's ridiculous, but carbs are simply neutralized when they are tagged with fancy titles. Foreign language sounding names, especially French, are the most effective. However, there is a catch. You must not understand what the name means. If you know it, quantum physics turn those carbs into live ones. Yup, ignorance is a bless.

If you pay obscene amounts for that food at fancy restaurants, carbs are shamed into obsolescence and become totally harmless. The more you pay, the less harm they can do.

While physical activities burn carbs, they commit hari-kari in drinks and food consumed while watching others undertake strenuous physical activities. That is the theory underpinning the sporting industry and the rational for consumption of vast amounts of junk food at sport stadiums. Carbs are also ineffective if the sporting event is watched on TV. But, only for live events though.

The same phenomena is encountered by people after marriage. All carbs die in the food they eat, so they tend to consume more of it. The weight gain after marriage is solely attributable to marriage itself. Divorces seem to end this Dead Carb lifestyle, and food consumption thereafter must be controlled as all carbs come alive.

Interestingly, as long as you are not living in the same house, anything served at your mother, grandmother or your in-laws house is free of carbs. EVERYTHING. Why else would they force you to eat so much?

Also, food consumed by the people where it has originated loses all its carbs potency. Do you see Asians gaining weight from consuming tons of rice? The original inhabitants of the American continents, as well as the Irish!, are not affected by the starch in potatoes. Another a case in point, pasta is simply harmless to Italians.

Research is still ongoing into creating further disinformation around the topic of Dead Carbs. Humanity will gain absolutely nothing from these endeavors. But, you will also find dead carbs in:

• Food consumed in weddings or funerals;
• Food consumed during vacations;
• Food consumed after 10:00 pm and before 4:00 am;
• Alcohol if consumed to the point of intoxication;
• Food consumed while depressed;
• The burned and hard parts of bread.

If you are still reading, you are wondering by now what is the point. The point is that we are in an age where absolutely ridiculous and proven untruths are seeping through our minds with great ease. So, if you close your eyes and shut down your mind, you may just believe any crap, even "Dead Carbs", if sold to you in a more serious manner than was attempted in this satire. So, awaken. Install a filter around your mind. Do not allow disinformation to seep through. Being a moron is no longer harmful to one's self. It's endangering our civilization.

By: Mohammed A. Alqubaisi