De-escalate Like a Zen Master

Many of us will have to contend with emotionally charged people in our professional lives. The emotional person or persons may be our co-workers,? industry colleagues, customers, clients, or even members of the general public. In any circumstance, the advanced de-escalation principles below will help you become a highly proficient de-escalator. By doing so, you will contribute to creating a safer and more secure workplace for everyone.??

Cultivate a de-escalation mindset?

First, to be a skilled de-escalator, you should cultivate a more ideal mindset. This mindset is most eloquently articulated in the words of Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, an internationally renowned teacher of Buddhism and meditation master. As Geshe Kelsang Gyatso states in his book How to Transform Your Life - A Blissful Journey:

“Everybody needs to be good-natured with a good heart because in this way we can solve our own problems as well as those of others, and we can make our human life meaningful. Every living being has the same basic wish – to be happy and avoid suffering. Even newborn babies, animals, and insects have this wish. It has been our main wish since beginningless time and it is with us all the time, even during our sleep.?

Once you achieve a more peaceful mindset, you will find the practice of de-escalation much easier. To obtain a peaceful mindset, you should strive as I do to live a healthy lifestyle.? Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. And consider a practice of daily meditation.????

Start with an understanding of how to de-escalate your own emotions

You need to address your own before you can solve anyone else’s problems. While on your path to becoming an effective de-escalator, start by working to master your own emotions. You can do this by training your mind to strive for equanimity. Equanimity can be defined as mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation. The best way to achieve equanimity is to look within, identify opportunities to improve your mental health and fortitude, and put them into daily practice as you live your life.?

When you sit and speak to Buddhist practitioners as often as I have, much to your surprise, you will hear repeatedly that obtaining enlightenment and equanimity is not terribly hard. The true difficulty is maintaining enlightenment and equanimity when faced with the distractions and struggles of everyday life. Anyone can have equanimity in times of peace and tranquility. The true test is nurturing the ability to practice equanimity in times of conflict and hardship. This is where you need to focus your attention and mental ingenuity.????

De-escalation in three basic steps ???????

De-escalating an individual or individuals experiencing heightened emotions is an essential process at every turn. And that process can be broken down into three steps:

1. Address the concerns of the emotional person: As the individual is expressing their emotions and venting, do your best to truly look for two things and simplify them in your mind. 1) What is the greatest concern of the individual, and 2) using your empathy, how would you label or categorize their emotional state in one word? By doing this, you will be better equipped to let the individual know you truly hear them as you compassionately interact with them.??
2. Diffuse the situation by lowering the emotional volume: Once it is evident that the highly emotional person feels your empathy and compassion, calmly—that’s important— assure them that their feelings are justified and that you would experience similar emotions if you were in their shoes. Never match the individual anger but rather lower the emotional volume by achieving and maintaining a confident, calm, cool, and collected demeanor throughout the engagement. If there are triggers in the area, such as a third party antagonizing the situation, get that person out of the situation to avoid a potentially violent encounter.???
3. Understand the needs and obstacles and seek assistance in overcoming them: Finally, once you sense the emotional person is calming down, clearly state their current needs and identify the obstacles that may be present. Then, concisely focus on their desired outcomes while framing yourself as the person they will partner with to achieve them. Once the individual sees you as an ally, their willingness to cooperate at a desired frame and tone will be much easier. If you need help with any of the above, please feel free to ask it out. De-escalation is delicate and complex, so you should always feel free to ask for the help you need when you need it.?

Applying effective and time-tested? de-escalation techniques:

You can apply many techniques to difficult situations like those I’ve outlined above. These techniques are common in many environments, including education, therapy, and the corporate world. If some are already familiar, build off that knowledge with the rest.

1. Active listening: When a person is agitated and speaking loudly, most have an instinctive urge to talk to them and quickly calm them down. Instead, fight this powerful instinct. Give the person your full attention. Listen while you wait for your turn to speak. Please demonstrate that you are actively listening by repeating what they say. For example: “I understand that you feel your coworker undermines your work and disrespects you, which frustrates you.”?????
2. Tactical pauses: When de-escalating a situation, it can be useful to take a “tactical pause.” Wait a few moments before you speak. Doing this can slow and cool the engagement, giving the emotionally charged person a moment to calm down. It can also give you a moment to consider your next response.?
3. Verbalization skills: As you speak to the person you are trying to de-escalate, make sure your tone of voice is slow, calm, clear, and respectful— at all times, free from judgment, criticism, anger, fear, or weakness. Be sure never to minimize the situation with your tone or choice of words. While the issue may seem mild and easily resolvable to you, it may not look that way to the unsettled person. Always ensure your vocal tone is natural and composed, not matching the escalated tone of the individual still processing their emotional landscape.???
4. Body language and facial expression: When engaging with an emotionally-charged person, square your shoulders and feet to face the person directly. Make sure your arms are not crossed but confidently loose by your sides. Show that you are fully present. But avoid direct, long-standing eye contact. Your facial expression should also be neutral: a “poker face.” Choose not to smile because, to an upset person, a smile may be seen as mocking them or not taking their situation seriously.????
5. Non-authoritativeness: When de-escalating an upset person, it is important not to quote manuals, recite policy, or remind them of possible consequences if they keep carrying on. Instead, instead, please assure the emotionally charged person that you are on their side, an ally there to help them resolve their issues the best you can with the resources available to you at that moment.?
6. Deflecting and redirecting: If the upset person makes a threat, deflect the threat and turn to a positive narrative or theme. If, for example, the individual says,, “If this is not resolved now, people are going to be very sorry,” hold firm and reply, “Well then, let’s find a way to work together to resolve things to your satisfaction. I’m on your side. Let’s fix this together.”?
7. Showing appreciation: Once the situation is resolved, be sure to thank the person and tell them how happy you are that, together, you were able to come to a peaceful resolution. Remember that this person may return the next day, angry once again. It is best to be someone that person remembers as an ally who did all they could to help them in the past.??

When de-escalation is not possible, always have a plan at the ready:?

Despite your skills and best intentions, there may be times when all de-escalation techniques fail to resolve the crisis. Just as families have alternate escape routes from their homes and cities have evacuation plans, If de-escalation fails and the situation becomes uncomfortable or unsafe, ensure you have a clear plan. Know the indications that you need to remove yourself from the situation, call someone for help, and, in some extreme cases, call corporate security or even law enforcement to step in.?

Signs an emotionally-charged person may become physically violent:?

For instance, before someone becomes physically violent, they may exhibit “red flag” body language. These postures may include pulling up their pants by their belt, suddenly turning one shoulder to you and taking on a fighting stance (this is called blading), touching their head to push their hair back or turning a baseball cap backward, or suddenly removing jewelry and pulling their hair back into a ponytail.???

Don’t feel you must succeed alone. Prevention of workplace violence is a team effort. When dealing with an emotionally charged person, don’t hesitate to ask for help if needed. Please note that this guide is not a substitute for formal de-escalation training and practice. If you would like more instruction about becoming an effective de-escalator, please contact your Human Resources Team or People Operations Team and ask them to provide you with such training through a credible vendor who truly understands this complex and important subject matter..??

A final note:?

I have been in the government and corporate de-escalation training business for 20 years. If you have questions or would like me to provide de-escalation training for you or your employees, onsite or virtually, don’t hesitate to request these services.