A Day of Swirling
“Turning feelings into words
can help us process and overcome adversity.”
—?Sheryl Sandberg
COO Facebook
As I write this blog, yesterday was a “swirling day” — it was the day after the national election and emotions were swirling. I hope that my choice of words communicates to you an objective observation and not a political statement of good or bad. Yes, my candidate lost. But I had anticipated that, regardless of the outcome, the day after, the week after, and the time until the inauguration and beyond would be a national time of expressed mixed emotions and actions.
The weeks leading up to election day were super-charged with both PEA and NEA. What are PEA and NEA you ask? Dr. Richard Boyatzis, CASE Western Reserve University faculty and researcher in the field of Emotional Intelligence, in studying intentional change, coaching, and resonant leadership has labeled two things that influence the chemical released into our brains and bodies – PEA are Positive Emotional Attractors and NEA are Negative Emotional Attractors.
Dr. Boyatzis and other researchers at CASE have documented the change in our systems using MRI, observation, and dialogue techniques to witness those interactions:
When a person experiences a PEA, it deepens the connection and contributes to a sense of psychological safety, trust, commitment, and increased engagement. I hope that you have experienced buckets of PEA.
Conversely, NEA’s negative emotional attractor interactions, both subtle and overt —
—?trigger our primal reactions of fight, flight, and freeze.
I share this theory-based, mumbo-jumbo, word salad because it helps me to understand why people act the way they do and how I might choose my reaction and help others to that too.
? What do you think? What do you feel?
? What kinds of interactions did you observe and experience prior to and after the election?
? What are you choosing to do?
I will share that the first 24 hours post-election day were spent doing what I do every day to keep my home life and work life on track while fielding calls and responding to concerns and opinions posted on social media. Both directions were important.
On the one hand, we went to bed on Tuesday night being the people we always are and woke up on Wednesday morning the same person, guided by the same values, with the same responsibilities as the day before. It was just another day to be who we are every day.
I have faith that people are basically good, well-intended, able to learn (if they want to), and collectively (when we work together) pulling in the same direction. And if we maintain these behaviors, we can create wondrous things.
I advocate for pulling together. Yet, yesterday, was a day when there was more pulling apart and an emotionally charged ethos to navigate.
? What did you do?
? What were your strategies?
Before I left the house?— after hours of phone calls and discussion at home —I mentally chose my approach for entering the world where others might be ‘swirling’.
I chose humor as a bridge to finding common ground with others. I posted silly things on my social media to mock my choice of sugar as a panacea for stress. A picture of three cupcakes in my cereal bowl for breakfast. An emergency run to Mitchell’s Ice Cream for a wide selection of pints of ice cream to share with a colleague while doing work stuff. And more.
? Can you find the light in moments that feel dark? A favorite quote I like is, “Take your responsibilities seriously, but lighten up on life.”
I found myself reaching out to people with whom I had fallen away from or not resolved a conflict effectively. My instinct was to repair relationships amid the fraying. Each call was well received and a bridge to a relationship repaired. I am grateful.
I had my hunches of who needed some support and who would want to know how my mental state was faring. So, I called and texted those who care for me deeply and for whom I care with the same intensity. There were not enough hours in the day for all the calls of connection – so my nature to touch base will keep going and going and going.
In so many ways, the day after the election was just another day — with me choosing to be who I always want to be with greater intention.
I was conscious that I needed to slow down. Both to listen (lots) and speak thoughtfully. I turned the television off and silenced the car radio. It was a day to be present for each interaction. I said to myself like a coach, “Work with the relationship right in front of you. Support all the feelings being expressed. Process your own separately. Use your words only if they are helpful.”
Throughout the day additional wisdom was shared in my emails, Social Media, and in conversation. Everyone I bumped into (even strangers) was trying to carry themselves with grace. Making me more confident that regardless of each person’s political choices – we all can find a path that includes respectful interactions.
I also don’t want to deny, candy coat the situation or anyone’s feelings, or minimize what occurred.
I am both a ‘thinker’ and ‘feeler’ on the Myers Briggs Type Inventor. MBTI is the most used personality style tool and helps me understand myself, others, and foster self-awareness.
I turned the volume down on my ‘feeler’ as the emotionally charged environment could just trigger thoughtless reactions and inflamed words that are hard to walk back, once shared.
In life, I write to make sense of things. And so I filled a post-it note pad with observations. I would like to know if any of mine align with yours?
? Love and Fear are the most powerful emotions that can be used to motivate behavior.
? Both were at play in the past weeks and in the post-election environment.
? Both can stimulate a primal reaction of fight, flight, or freeze.
? Try not to give over to raw primal reactions.
? The people who voted have spoken.
? Let’s continue to speak, listen, and hear all that is being said.
? As much as I like change and have made it my career, I know that change comes very slowly.
? Things won’t change as quickly as some want and some fear.
? It will be messy.
? We still have agency in the process regardless of the election outcome.
? I will assert my agency in a very adult-to-adult fashion with consideration and kindness.
? I found it helpful to put this moment in historical perspective. It helps me to discover and uncork my resiliency and that of others.
? I counseled myself to ‘Be careful what I would be giving my time, attention and power to.
? Even my pack of unconditionally loving dogs could feel the swirling of PEAs and NEAs. There were many potty accidents in the house. I took it as a sign that they were feeling the swirling as well. Animals teach lessons easily. My pack of dogs and puppies continued to approach the day with loving play. I took their lead and gave myself over to a long playdate at the dog park and much cuddle time.
I must admit there was a manic quality to my being, yesterday, even as committed as I was to being balanced, open, and a calming force. I was large in personality in the effort. I was up early. I went to bed late. I ran on my sugar high. Swinging from practical action to quiet reflection to comic comments made loudly and with an intensity of energy that was not natural. I might not have tired myself out, but I may have tired others out. I am going to recognize that sugar and adrenaline are operating in my system. Though I thought I was asserting self-control, my body still was operating as if there were a crisis.
And the sun rose on another day.
? What will today bring?
Leslie
“You should never view your challenges as a disadvantage.
Instead, it’s important for you to understand
that your experience facing and overcoming adversity
is actually one of your biggest advantages.”
—?Michelle Obama
Helping consultants get (and stay) fully booked!
1 周The words spellings, come from the spells. When we learn to process and name our emotions, we take away their power over us and turn them into stepping stones for growth. The magic is truly in our words. :)