The Day of the Phoenix - A relationship ritual.

[Warning: This is a long article. You might want to read it when you have time to digest it. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.]

On the first day of this year, my wife and I began the day with a fight. Over a misplaced teapot, a super serious topic, that clearly justifies the tears and anger that followed...

Not.

I knew many people would feel like this was a clear omen the year is going to be a bad one. We don’t have this level of fights often, so starting the first day of the year this way felt indeed devastating.

I sat on my desk, my wife was buried in blankets in the sleeping room.

I was so mad. A year ruined before it began. Even worse, the year of the Dragon! I love Dragons.

…but after a few minutes, I got calmer and felt something else:

I felt my inner rebel. I felt …. “No, fu*k you!”

In case you missed it to this point, I have a hard time with emotions, so I hope this eloquent elaboration conveys my emotional landscape at that moment and my attitude towards accepting that my whole year should have already been ruined.

No, circumstances, I won’t accept you.

The question was, how could I see this situation in a beneficial way?

The definition of resilience I wrote for mySELV came to my mind:

“Everything is Energy in Motion. Resilience is the Ability to Turn Every Energetic Motion into a Beneficial One”

So, how can I use the negative energy to our advantage the moment we just had a huge fight?

We all know this feeling when our mind slipped out of our control and we think everything sucks anyway.

We know rationally it’s bullshit, but emotionally we’re a huge MEH.

So I concluded: If we feel horrible right now, we probably wouldn’t feel any worse talking about more negative things. I had an idea.

I told my wife, whom I married on 22.02.2022 at 2:22 pm:

“See, we can accept that this day sucks and that our year is already ruined.

Or….

…we could use this energy and devote the whole day to it. All the negativity. All the things that bothered us in the last year, that drained our energy, for whatever reason.

Almost like a cleansing ritual, we could go through everything, and start fresh and new on the 2. Day of the Year.”

I admit, I love doing things in different ways than most people, so I liked the idea from the start.

A couple of minutes later my wife came back to the living room.

She looked at me, red-eyed.

Let’s do it, she said.

Aye.

How do you create a ritual? A tradition? A new way to do things?

Well, you design it.

We iterated through thoughts and ideas.

Decided it would be cool to make it a ritual AND a tradition.

One day every year should from now on be our day. We would take the time and go through everything negative in our lives. My wife’s, mine, and the one that we experience together.

1. I said we should have a good name for it if the endeavor is worth devoting a whole day to it.

I got even more enthusiastic, thinking of creating a ritual that people might adopt and repeat for themself, improving their relationships.

2. We also thought we should note something down. That’s how smart people do it, right? Writing things down and making actionable plans.

Next, why would it make sense that we took our negativity INTO the next year with us?

Usually, people free themself from negative energy BEFORE the next phase starts.

This relates to an older realization:

“You cannot love who you are if you keep hating the experiences that shaped you.”

3. I simply thought I will love the idea that we’re strong enough to accept all the negativity, the mistakes, the fights, and annoyances with us. Accepting them as part of us and our journey. Turning their energy into the positive. Feeding their negative energy into our constructive efforts.

We have all seen movies where the good person gets abused and utilized by evil, obviously due to their disliking.

….why not turn the tables and abuse and utilize the negativity to our advantage?

Imagine the devil sweating in discomfort because no matter what he tries, all his endeavors are turned into beneficial outcomes. To me, that is a hilarious thought ,-)

We decided to note down all the negative things, creating a list. After the first points, we suddenly had two lists: One negative, but surprisingly also one with clear steps on how to fix the first one.Two lists. Number 2. Again.

4. We decided our ritual would be 2-sided.

Acknowledging the negative, the bad, the shadow.

Embracing the positive, create value, turn energetic notions into light.

Find ways to create long-lasting improvements in our long-term relationship.

Finding the strength to face reality, fears, and every evil, no matter how scary or uncomfortable it is.

It’s a difficult process.

When I design things, I use a variety of techniques, influences, methods, and ways of thinking to adapt and innovate.

Creating our ritual I thought of cleansing rituals, burning fires, I thought of minimalism techniques and rituals, removing what doesn’t make you happy.

Structures and leverages for resilient energy flow.

Creating things that make you happy.

Factors of quality within your relationship.

Key Performance Indicators of happiness.

We had 1 day, 1 ritual,

2-sided, going from bad to good.

Almost like a Phoenix.

No matter how devastating the blaze of negativity, the fire of destruction….

…a Phoenix would rise back from the ashes, renewed and stronger than before.

5. My wife approved the idea and hence, we named our ritual:

Day of the Phoenix

Here are the clear steps we designed for us. To make our relationship better. To support each other in the best way possible when facing fears and challenges. But also to help each other grow, to be as happy as possible.

1. Devote a Day to the ritual. For us, it was, and will from now on be the first January of the Year.

I think the purpose can be served as well by devoting one given day to it. Maybe a Saturday, were you both have time to prioritize this process, to prioritize your Day of the Phoenix.

2. Support each other to create a negative list. Everything that drained energy, annoyed you, or was in general negative - List it all.

Naturally, we have a hard time voicing what we fear in the first place. It can be easier for us to point out issues in or for other people. Leverage that. Emphasize with the other person. Give them time and thoughtful questions to help them discover their topics.

I started with 8, when in my boarding schools my tutors brought up my issues. I was not ready then, and now, +25 years later, it’s still hard at times. The good thing is, it definitely gets easier.

3. Begin with compassion and understanding. Talking about, “facing” these issues is the first step.

4. Talk about the way you feel about the issues and discover relatable perspectives.

You have now created a list of issues for the other person, yourself, and those that are related to both of you directly. After all, personal issues will possibly indirectly affect the relationship as well. This is again the linear, obvious, systematic vs. the non-linear, non-obvious, systemic difference and perspective.

5. You might, just as we did, naturally come up with solutions and approaches while creating the negative list. Note them down directly for the second list.

6. When you both feel the potential to create or discover more items on the negative list is exhausted adequately and all major topics have been covered, you complete the positive list. The crux in this process is that we naturally have a hard time even “thinking of what exactly” bothers us. That’s why we help each other. Also, I’ve listed some topics below that work quite well to discover issues by simply talking about them, like trust or finances.

7. Whatever is already there from step 5 will serve to create a “complete” positive list now. The problem hereby is that it would make little sense to say “complete it” when in reality you might not be able to come up with solutions at that moment. Maybe you even discovered a deep issue you can’t solve yourself without a third party getting involved, like a mediator, therapist, or counselor. So whatever you can come up with on that day, will be the complete positive list for that moment.

The focus hereby is to create structures, leverages, mottos, mantras, practices, and habits - per definition whatever serves positive energetic notions and motions in your relationship.

An example: My wife suffers from the fact that I, her husband, and the husband of her best friend don’t talk to each other anymore. There is of course a bigger story to it, and ad hoc, I concluded while talking with her, that there is little that I could do about it right now.

Solution: I suggested that for a start she and her friend should simply talk. She agreed and we noted down that my wife will have a talk with her friend. Simply as a start to dealing with this bigger issue.

Sometimes the wisdom lies not in knowing every single step ahead, but in choosing the next one well.

When creating the positive list, the key is not to create as many as you can but to ensure that whatever actually happens, is systematically turned into a beneficial outcome.

Another example: We regularly hated to shop for groceries together. Every single time it was an annoying and exhausting experience. Now shopping for groceries is not an optional thing, it has to happen. So naturally we developed the habit of getting into a bad mood BEFORE we even left the apartment. Makes sense, right? We knew that trouble was ahead, every time. Store too full, a kid crying, whatever, life is creative.

Solution: Mindset, Attitude, and Approach matter. A lot. As Ford said, whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right. In our conversations, I said,

“Sometimes it feels like we should have a regular mindset checker, almost like a digital process that guards our mindset better, because it affects our interactions so much”.

When it then came to the groceries issues, my wife suddenly connected the dots and suggested we should literally do a mindset check before we leave the house.

Minutes later she created and framed the cards you see below. They now hang next to our door. Lovely creative powerhouse she is.

I hope these examples inspire you to find your own, unique way, to create solutions. Whatever turns negativity into positivity is more than buzz, it’s a leverage for your existence. To live happier, fuller, more enjoyable, and sustainable.

It literally CREATES energy. Energy you can use and share. In the best case, you become a systemic leader, exponentially multiplying positive energy in yourself, your environment, and the people you love and that surround you. Every day, in every situation, creating beautiful little ripples of positive change.

Like the first smile, you give to someone. And that person smiles 10 times more that day. And these 10 people smile at 10 other people. Sometimes a thousand smiling people start with one grumpy guy who decides to overcome himself.

Yeah, I can relate, being as positive and constructive as you can in this way is a difficult conversation. Even if you hold it to yourself. It can feel even more irritating within a relationship. It’s so cliche. Nobody does that anyway, so what would make that out of you? Wait, it’s not defined? You have to think for yourself who you really are? That’s already scary enough for many people.

I tell you, nothing is more freeing. I never have to lie to my wife. In case you wondered, yes, we married in 2022, but we have known each other since we were 17 already. There is no masquerade I have to maintain. Simply within this relationship, we “freed” so much energy other couples waste. Sometimes daily. After all it can sound as cliche as it wants, but I say clearly that my wife and I are a team, we support each other in the best way, in whatever we do, every time.

This is the way of the Piper family. The family we create. We are strong through our growth. We face the truth. We accept negativity as part of the positivity.

We are change. You can burn us, but we will rise again, renewed and stronger than before.

We love the things for what they are.

….and sometimes even human beings.

I hope you enjoyed this article. That it inspired you to re-think, new-do, and better-live your relationships.

May we all find and foster the relationships we need in life.

"Si vis amari, ama" - If you want to be loved, love.

Warm regards,

pauL Piper

I am a coach | An Alien | Founder of SELV | My DMs are open.

Find me on selv.xyz/paul

DISCLAIMER & Additional Resources:

NOTHING in this article is exclusively meant for romantic relationships, but LONG-TERM relationships. For the simple matter that this ritual equals a fair amount of investment and effort and I don't see how that would happen in a short-term relationship.

Here are XY factors within relationships you can think about when designing or performing your own ritual. As I wrote earlier, it can be hard to discover your own, the other persons, or the shared issues.

Going through these topics is meant to help you with that

OR

inspire you to find actionable items for your positive list.

In no particular order:

Regular Communication

Establish daily or weekly check-ins to discuss feelings, needs, and experiences. This can help prevent misunderstandings and build a stronger emotional connection

Trust & Truth

This might be a topic for many, and only now I realized I take it for granted. For years by now I’m absolutely relentless when it comes to truth in the relationship with my wife. If she looks fat in a new dress, I tell her she looks fat in the new dress. There are options in the way I can verbalize a truth, but not verbalizing it when we feel we should is no option. As for communication and emotional bonding, you might want to find regular ways to strengthen the trust level of your relationship.

Finances

They can play a huge role in relationships. For us, it’s pretty much as with trust and truth. We share every investment before we make it. As rule, in the beginning it was “Everything above 20 Dollars has to be approved by the other person first”. It was a rule to steer desperate times, but more or less we still do it that way. Simply because most of the time we make better financial decisions and it also questions your "I need to get that right now" type of vibes.

Conflict Resolution

Listen to understand, voice to be understood. It can help to detach the usual steps of communication. For a start, both should try to understand the perspective of the other person. As simple as that. To learn and practice healthy communication techniques for managing conflicts will be an ongoing effort.

Personal Space & Independence

Respect each other's need for personal space and support each other's independence. This does not only promote individual growth but ensures both of you can live sustainably happy. This is not possible when one person lives at the expense of the well-being of the other.

Appreciation and Acknowledgment

It is said that more people buy flowers for graves than for the living people. Don't wait till people die before you tell them why you enjoy the time with them, respect, or even love them.

Support During Crisis

We all have hard times. Developing plans and systems to cope healthily with them is worthwhile for both of you and your relationship.

Continuous Growth & Effort

A relationship is a continuous effort, accept that. It will never be "done". Then again, showing your appreciation or doing other positive things within the relationship for the other person, can be quite enjoyable for you, too.

Rituals of Connection

Find ways, many ways, to connect with each other. Messages, little notes, calls, meals, exercising, and sport - whatever it is. For romantic relationships, it can be surprising to have a so-called "6-second Kiss". Surprising how weird it can feel, and surprising how many days pass by without such kisses happening.

This brings me to the last resource I want to mention:

The work of Drs. John & Julie Gottman (Marriage related)

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned psychologists and relationship experts, have conducted extensive research on marital stability and divorce prediction. Their studies have shown that they can predict with 93.6% accuracy which couples would divorce. This prediction is based on observing couples' interactions and identifying certain factors that are clearly related to why couples end up divorcing.

Thank you for reading. I sincerely hope this article elevates and facilitates your efforts. To create and maintain long-term relationships in your life. To find the people who love you for what you are.

In 2024 I will publish the Day of the Phoenix as part of SELV - Another module enabling systemic improvement in the complex environment of a relationship.

SELV - improve yourSELV & your environment.