Day one of parenting ... change and challenge your expectations

Welcome home newly adopted child!

And welcome to having all of your expectations dashed; your preconceived notions challenged; and your Disney-inspired dreams change into nightmares!

Ok... too dramatic? Yes (maybe).

But this is what it feels like when you become a parent for the first time. Those of you adopting babies or toddlers -- you'll get there. If you've brought in someone six to ten years old, you'll get there sooner. And if you're like me, everything changed within a week. I survived and you can too.

My son, Richie, came to live with me at age 13. I skipped all the cute cuddly years and the day long conversations of "why?". Although, I admit, he was still cuddly for a while. Everything changed for the both of us and here's what I did to ease the transition.

Not every tactic will work for everyone, but perhaps you'll find something you can use to help you and your family change to the new normal.

Lay out the ground rules

Certainly changes will be in the works, but there are some basics you should establish up front (depending on age). Not too many "rules" at first. But something to get you started on a new relationship.

Rule 1: Honesty works best - this one took a while to set in, but once it did, we developed a wonderfully open relationship. I made sure I varied the punishment for mistakes on their own verses mistakes coupled with lies. If you lie to cover up your mistake, punishment would be tougher. And I'd spell out the infractions. "You didn't do your chores so I'm taking away television privileges for two days and because you tried to lie your way out of it, I'm adding on one more day."

Rule 2: You will have chores and so will I - granted, it was just the two of us, and I didn't over load him, but he had certain chores he was required to do. I also made sure he saw me doing my chores as well. Some chores he enjoyed doing (oddly enough that included mowing the grass and doing his own laundry), and others he did not. Over time we'd sometimes swap chores so he could understand that if my chore was to vacuum the living room AND his books and things were scattered about, vacuuming was more of a challenge. 

Rule 3: Homework comes first - school wasn't his first love and so we had to discuss this rule on a daily basis. Eventually he ended up getting his GED rather than go through the traditional school route. I was alright with that. I'm not one to bang a square peg into a round hole.

When he'd get down on himself and make comments that he "just can't remember" given facts. I'd ask him questions about his favorite pro-wrestler. Who did he last wrestle? When did he have a title match? Who was his tag team partner? 

That usually led to a ten minute outline of the matches, who won, how they won and if there was any blood. I'd smile politely and remind him that he can remember information and we'd look for a new way to tackle the information.

Rule 4: You're never too old to hug - every night before bed he got a hug. Each hug came with the promise that he was never too old to hug. I didn't care if he was 30 years old and I was in my 50s. He'd still get hugs from his Pop. 

One night, and I forget the circumstances, but I was on the couch in the living room reading. It was about 1:30 a.m. Richie came down the stairs and he stopped at the landing and asked if I was mad at him.

"No pal. I'm not mad. Why would you think that?"

"You didn't hug me goodnight."

So I gave him his hug. Whether we were happy with each other or frustrated, the night ended the same way. With a hug.

Rule 5: There are exceptions to rules 2, 3 and 4 under extreme circumstances - There would always be circumstances - rare circumstances - when we'd have to bend a rule or two. My father was in and out of the hospital regularly. Sometimes it was an emergency and we simply had to be there at the hospital. Life happened and rule 5 came into play most of the time because people come first. Before homework and before chores I wanted to instill in my son that people mattered the most.

We never posted our rules. They were just our official house rules that we both knew and fortunately, Rule 5 didn't come into play too often!

Friends

I expected him to have his own friends. But we had conversations about his friends and we talked about ones who were good influences and those who were not. I lived that out in front of him. My friends were people with a good influence on me (and him). 

We talked about choosing friends and we'd talk through issues that he'd have with friends (and later girlfriends). I shared as much about my past as I dared. I wasn't perfect at it when I was his age so I'd use examples of when friends led me astray (and a few times when I led them astray). 

Other than that, I tried not to be overly influential. How can you tell your kid to stay away from a bad influence when they sit by each other at school everyday? you can only help them learn to discern for themselves. Let them make mistakes... and help them by talking through what they learned. Then you talk about what they can look for in someone with the next potential buddy.

Food

Not many rules. I was blessed that I cook well and Richie ate well! He grew to have some favorites. There were a few instances when I went to the cupboard only to find it bare.

We instituted a new policy.

One of the cabinets was Richie's cabinet in the kitchen. Once a month I'd stock his shelves with some snacks... a few treats... but things he could easily prepare or simply eat as a snack after school. If that cupboard was empty before the month was over, he had to wait. 

Soon he began putting things in the cupboard by day so he could have enough to eat on his own before my next trip to the grocery store. 

We went to the grocery together. I didn't make him do math (I used a calculator myself), but I'd tell him my budget for shopping and we'd talk through decisions of what to purchase together. We'd talk about his snack cabinet and what we'd stock in it for the following month.

Food was rarely an issue at our house. My food bill typically was, but he was a teenager and I expected larger grocery bills!

Pets

When he moved in with me, I had a dog. My dog, Max, was a collie (think Lassie). Richie liked having a dog around but at night Max would head toward my bedroom. Our first Christmas together I bought him Jake... another collie. 

Jake was a teenager at heart and full of energy. Richie and Jake were perfectly matched for one another and Jake spent his nights right along side of Richie. 

Having a pet for your child to care for and love is part of growing up. Having an animal to connect with as a newly adopted child in a new home helps ease some of that transition.  Jake and Richie spent many hours playing together. Max liked to lay by me while the two of them went at it. 

New traditions

Most of us have family traditions. When you bring in a new child into your home, it's time to create some new traditions...specifically with older children. It's a way to connect them to the family in a way that's uniquely theirs. 

We didn't have too many traditions but a few developed over time:

• Family vacations became special times for the two of us. We'd find a night and go out to a nice place to eat dinner. I even had him eating snails one evening. He loved them. Then he asked me what they were. :) Parenting can be fun!
• Weekly traditions. Along with Church for both of us on Sundays and Youth group for him on Saturday nights, we had a special Tuesday night routine. Tuesday night was "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and pizza night. We had great talks during the commercials about a myriad of subjects. While probably not high on the Christian TV viewing list for most, the show did a great job of breaking down good and evil and then blurring the lines between the two just like in real life. Pizza... that's a given. We were a couple of guys! 

Engaging the family

Every time I speak about the subject of adoption, most singles or couples just think about themselves. They don't consider the fact that the whole family is now engaged in the adoption. 

Sometimes adopted children face issues that aren't as common among biological children. It's time to sit everyone down and have a discussion. 

You should stress that your new child is not to be treated differently from the other children. No better and no worse. Make it as if they've always been there. Certainly there will be a time of getting to know one another.. take it in stride. Don't have all the family over at once.

And some family members might need to be handled slightly differently. Before meeting my dad for the first time I laid out the ground rules of handling grandpa. My dad could be challenging at times. So I taught my son about certain topics to stay away from and how to handle certain situations that were bound to come up. 

After one of our visits, my son thanked me on the drive home for prepping him on how to handle Grandpa. As a result, the two of them had a wonderful relationship! It wasn't perfect, but they got along well and even bonded in areas where I never could.

Bottom line

Adopting a child is like entering into any new relationship. There's typically a honeymoon period where everyone is on their best behavior... but that soon ends and you become more real and your son or daughter become more real.

Let it happen naturally. Lay out the ground rules as appropriate. Apologize when you make a mistake. No matter what rules you have, be sure you have a rule 4 and 5. 

Other topics are addressed in my other blogs. If there's a topic you want me to touch on, please let me know! For more resources, visit the Resources tab on: OrphanWorldRelief.org.