Day one or One day - Life is Precious

I’ve done well since 2020, and I can feel myself slowly but steadily transforming.

First, I no longer struggle with spending money. My manager, Karl, thought taking summer vacations was my family tradition because we visited Yellowstone in 2020, Michigan in the fall of that year, the Grand Canyon and Sedona in 2021, Vancouver and Alaska in 2022, and Banff and Glacier National Parks in 2023. But that wasn’t the case. We could afford the trips earlier, but I always hesitated because I was too frugal. Now, spending is no longer an issue, though I still don’t need luxury cars, big houses, or expensive clothes*. I may still be seen as frugal by some, but that’s who I am, and I’m proud of it—life shaped me this way. What matters most is that I no longer experience the same mental struggle when it comes to spending money.

Second, while I did well, that doesn’t mean everything went smoothly. As Yang would say, more tests came my way.

In 2020, on our Michigan trip, I lost my phone while kayaking—it slipped into the river. I quickly let it go.

In 2022, my car was hit by an elderly woman driving out of a parking lot. I calmly handled the repairs and rental. Then, in Cologne, Germany, my backpack with cash and my passport was stolen a day before I was due to return to the U.S. Instead of panicking, I focused on solving the problem. With help from kind strangers, I got an emergency passport in just 1.5 hours, caught my flight, and returned home on time.

In early 2023, squirrels got under the hoods of both my Ford and my wife’s car, chewing through multiple components. After a poor repair job by the shop, my car broke down in the middle of a local road, and I ended up sitting in the back of a police car—not under arrest, thankfully, but with the kind assistance of a helpful officer!

It’s been satisfying to see how I’ve learned to handle life’s ups and downs without losing my balance.

Third, my global role, though enjoyable, hasn’t been easy. With an education primarily from China and leadership training from the U.S., I now had to lead a group of German colleagues. Finding the right balance was tricky. Karl, my manager in Germany, didn’t always appreciate my leadership style, especially when I was overly cautious about maintaining balance instead of pushing myself and my team harder. I haven’t received an exceptional contribution rating in the last couple of year-end reviews, which is fair. I know Karl’s standard—if you’re not playing at an 'A' game, you’re automatically disqualified for that rating. I wasn’t trying too hard because I was experimenting with the idea of caring but not caring too much. Maybe sometimes I cared too little.

That said, even without aiming for the top, our R&D data strategy lead recently praised my old team’s work. He recognized that our regulatory data team was at the forefront of business vocabulary, master data/reference data management, and enabling natural language queries with large language models, which was well ahead of most other R&D departments. Before I took on this role, Regulatory didn’t even have a dedicated data team. The credit undoubtedly goes to my excellent team, split between the U.S. and Germany, but I’m proud to say I built that team from scratch and helped turn it into a high-performing unit.

As for the book, Yin keeps whispering, 'You should wait until you’re absolutely sure you’re not bipolar. Plus, self-published books typically sell only a few copies, mostly to friends and family. Your theory isn’t new, and even smarter people haven’t succeeded in conveying similar messages for thousands of years. Why bother?'

Day by day, year by year, Yin found reasons to delay. Occasionally, even years after my talk, people would ask about the book. I’d tell them I was still working on it, which wasn’t entirely a lie, but progress was painfully slow.

Then, in April, Anna’s tragic fall made me question: How could this happen? Later, her husband did ask me, 'Can you explain exactly what happened that day? The doctors said injuries like hers usually only occur in car accidents.' I didn’t know how to respond.

In May, I myself encountered a fatal car accident closely. Driving on a 40 mph road, I saw two cars—one on the grass, the other blocking the road. It had just happened; there were no police or ambulance yet. Later, I learned that a 70-year-old man’s car had veered into the opposite lane and collided head-on with a 42-year-old woman. Both died at the scene. I realized it could have been me, as I was heading in the same direction as the woman. She had no chance to avoid it, and neither would I.

https://www.ksdk.com/article/news/local/fatal-car-crash-chesterfield/63-36eec6c3-c4a5-4397-8991-4910b23d6219

That was my wake-up call. If I kept waiting, I might never get the chance to publish my book. It was either 'Day One' or 'just another one day.' That’s when I got serious about the project.

In June, the shared ownership model was announced. I had worked hard to reach my senior director-level role, and back in 2018, just the fear of failing at my job and losing my status pushed me into depression. Now, suddenly, what I once feared actually happened—I became an individual contributor at the lowest level in the company. Surprisingly, I struggled for only two days before moving on and focusing on new opportunities rather than dwelling on the status I had lost. It helped me find the balance I seek more quickly, and the change opened up a much bigger playing field for me. I've already had much fun and feel happier than before.

But I saw many others struggle, and that’s when I decided to speed up the publishing process. Roberta Matuson suggested I start with LinkedIn before trying to publish the book, and I followed her advice, launching my newsletter, 'Want the North Star? Go South.'

Perhaps I need to appreciate the preciousness of life even more thoroughly. In August, I experienced an even closer brush with death during a flight diversion incident. It reinforced my commitment to keep writing until I have nothing left to say and can face death with peace.

Now, I hope you understand why I started writing on LinkedIn and why it took me five years to fulfill that promise.

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10/17/2024 St. Louis

Notes:

* I realized long ago that the happiness they bring is short-lived, and they become burdensome when hard to let go.