The day I knew I was done

People who make big life changes often have a bit of a "come to Jesus" moment and today, on it's third birthday, I want to share a bit more of mine.

August 2018 wasn't a fun month.

Nat unexpectedly left his job. Not my story, but let's just say that it was a shock and things at home were tricky.

In July I had done my best to navigate a 2 week holiday my boss took. His parting words before he went were that he really wasn't enjoying work at the moment and needed a break.

And so when the proverbial hit the fan in his absence, I opted not to disturb him and instead sought counsel from the (more senior) partner who used to head up the team. Let's just say that didn't land too well (they weren't besties) and I definitely knew about it on his return.

Which was when I started to experience a change in behaviour in him (imagine falling off the pedestal and being stamped into the floor. That sums it up pretty well) which culminated in a 60 minute phone conversation where he really let me have it.

And on top of all of this, I was navigating 3 substantial matters with a deadline of 31st August. Any one of them was too much for one person. And I wasn't exactly a person performing at my best (see above) so three was crippling.

Fast forward to deadline day; 31st August (3 years ago today!).

I had recognised I really wasn't ok at this point. I wasn't sleeping, would wake in tears most days and every day was a struggle that passed in a daze.

As Nat was already off work, I had asked to take 4 weeks of annual leave all in one go. So we could spend some time together, but mostly so I could try and press the reset button.

Boss had been (to my face) very supportive of the request. Told me he would deal with it and would do what he could to make it happen.

Then the psychological warfare started.

The director in the team called to tell me how annoyed the partner was about the request.

That I hadn't checked the employee manual first to ascertain what the correct procedure for annual leave over 3 weeks was, apparently, unacceptable. (I'm not challenging this one really, but out of courtesy I asked if it would be possible before I looked into it and was told he would sort it - so I hadn't thought to check the manual. I don't think you do consider these things when you are in a heightened state of stress).

An interesting situation to be in.

You see, I was responsible for managing the team day to day. Above me were a director and partner. Together, the three of us, working together to attain the team objectives. And one of them was lying to me. My little stressed out brain really had a hard time with this.

Both swore their version was correct and I was in the middle in pretty much full meltdown mode.

So with this in the background, I went into the office on August 31st (a Friday - usually my work from home day) so I could be on hand to get all the deadlines sorted. The partner worked from home.

I wont bore you with the nitty gritty. We got 2 out of 3 deadlines sorted. The third went horribly wrong as the client had only been given the numbers from the tax team the day before and had a lot of questions (it was a considerable disclosure to HMRC so this was fair enough). The client wanted a call. The guy doing the numbers went AWOL. The partner called me to tell me he was taking his dog on a walk. (Now roll forward 3 years and I totally understand he would have needed to do this for HIS wellbeing. At the time I just felt deserted and hopeless and not good).

So we realised that particular deadline was getting missed. Let HMRC know and about 6.30pm I left the office to head to the tube.

Prior to leaving the office the director called me. Said she was worried about the partner's stress levels and wanted me to know how angry he was that I wanted time off. Said she had called him to tell him he really needed to support my holiday request. And his response had been so rude she had hung up on him. Can't say this really added to the day, but there it was.

And then the partner calls as I am approaching Holborn tube. "I know you have a tendency to overthink things, so I just wanted to let you know before the weekend that I support your holiday request and will do what I can to get it through."

And in that moment. I. Was. Done.

I realised I couldn't work in a team where there was dishonesty (among a few other things I may write about in the future).

I couldn't be well and be in that space.

I didn't want to be in that space.

I lay in bed awake in the small hours of Saturday morning trying to figure out if I should go into the office over the weekend and empty my locker.

I didn't.

In fact I did another 3 weeks before the annual leave started (much to the upset of the doctor who wanted to sign me off from the start of September when I started experiencing rashes on my neck and check and tingling sensations in my legs).

Dragged myself through it like a good over achiever though (!) - including a week where both the partner and director were on holiday (fun week including navigating one of the more junior team member being bullied by a new client. Which of course was allowed to happen without consequence - the mighty pound trumping any and all wellbeing considerations we may have wanted to apply to the humans in the team).

So that was my moment. The nail in the coffin. The "my life should not feel this shit" moment.

I think we could call it my rock bottom.

The catalyst to all I have now.

And sometimes I think we need need to hit the floor before we can get up, dust ourselves off and put the pieces back together.

I can see I am not her any more. And although I still feel a little emotional writing this, I am mostly filled with pride about what I have achieved since that fateful day.

And I am sharing because, wherever you are right now, there is a way through. The life you want is possible.

And if you want some help to unravel, piece back together and thrive - I am here to help you navigate all that is involved in that. And I am so blooming good at it, in part, because of what I have had to overcome.

If you take nothing else from this article, know this: Your challenges do not make you weak or broken. They make you STRONG.

And you are capable of everything you dream of creating.

Louise

p.s. Want to work with me on your stuff? Book a call to speak to me about how I can support you here . There's nothing we can't work through together - and please believe me when I say I have probably had to work through, or have for sure helped others work through whatever you consider your "bad bits" to be.