The day I got a sign I couldn't ignore!

My wife Jules had been in USA on what I think was the first of many trips to further develop her skills as a physiotherapist. She had just arrived home after about two weeks away and I was more than a ‘wee bit’ pleased to see her.?

She even brought me a gift. A book. She had been staying with a friend in Cincinnati during the course and had asked the friend about a suggestion for a book to bring me home. It was early 2009 and I was doing a lot of reading at that time, still trying to figure out what had caused my burnout two years earlier and how to make sure it never happened again. If you’d like to read about my burnout click?here. Jules’ friend encouraged her to buy a book by Richard Rohr called The Enneagram.

The day Jules got back she arrived home early in the afternoon. I was delighted to see her, and I was also happy with the book, though I had never heard of Richard Rohr or the Enneagram. I had a quick flick through the book and figured out that Richard was a Franciscan priest, and the Enneagram seemed to be a really old model for understanding different types of personality. I was definitely curious and set it on the dresser in the kitchen with the intention of coming back to it later.?

That evening around 6pm our doorbell rang. I think it was Jules who answered it. She came back into the kitchen and said Max Watson is here to see you. I had known Max for years. He was related to a close friend, but I wouldn’t say I knew him that well and I’m pretty sure he had never called to speak to me before.?

I went to the front door and knew immediately that something was up. Whatever it was, Max was here to tell me I could sense from his body language that he was feeling very uncomfortable. Max started to tell me about a retreat for me he had been on a few months earlier. It had taken place in a place called Kiltegan in County Wicklow and was called Male Rites of Passage (MROP).?

He started to explain a little bit about it. He told me that part of the retreat involved the attendees spending a day in nature, totally on their own without being in contact with anyone else. He had been given some questions to reflect on and also encouraged to think about anyone he knew who might benefit from attending a future MROP retreat. He told me that my name had come to his mind, and he had decided to share about the retreat with me.?

Up until this point in the conversation, I don’t remember being particularly enthusiastic about Max’s invitation to attend. At that time, I had never been on a retreat and a retreat in the Wicklow hills four hours drive from where I lived just wasn’t resonating for me. I was kind of thinking ‘Thanks but no thanks. That wouldn’t be my kind of thing’, but I was still intrigued by the fact that Max had thought of me, and that he had the courage to knock on my door to make the invitation. We talked a bit more and he told me the retreat was in no way religious but had its’ foundation in the Judaeo-Christian tradition and had been developed by a Franciscan priest called Richard Rohr.?

I stopped Max right there and asked him to wait until I came back. I went to our kitchen and came back with the book Jules had gifted to me earlier and said, ‘Are you talking about this Richard Rohr?’ He took the book from me, had a quick look at it and said ‘Yes’. I could see he was a bit baffled now. He hadn’t expected me to have heard of Richard Rohr. I told Max the story about Jules being in Cincinnati and how she ended up bringing the book home.?

Suddenly my energy had shifted. I was excited. Four hours earlier I had never heard of Richard Rohr. Now I had a book from my wife brought all the way from USA and here was Max on my doorstep, on exactly the same day, telling me about a retreat he had been on month previous, during which he had been out in nature for a day and thought about me, who he didn’t really know, as someone who might benefit from the experience he was going through. The retreat had been created by Richard Rohr, he had told me he had spent weeks going backwards and forwards in his mind before deciding to knock on my door and then he called on the day Jules gave me the book. There was no way this was all a coincidence.

Here I was, two years post burnout, looking anywhere and everywhere trying to understand what had happened to me and how to avoid it happening again … and God or the infinite intelligence of the universe (use whatever language works for you) was pointing me in the direction of Richard Rohr through Jule’s book and Max’s retreat.?

It was clear to me this was one of those moments when I was being given a ‘nudge’. I said to Max, ‘You don’t need to tell me anything else. If the dates work for me, I will be going on the next retreat.’?

And that is exactly what happened. In July 2009 when I drove four hours to Kiltegan in the Wicklow hills, south-west of Dublin with a tent in the back of my car to spend five days participating in MROP with seventy men from all over the world. This photo is the view from my tent during my MROP experience.

It would be difficult for me to overstate the significance of this experience. It impacted me deeply. Partly in how I thought about me and partly in how I thought about life. It was an experience that was much more about transformation than information.?

When I got home, I knew I felt different, although I struggled to explain how or why. It was months before I was able to begin to articulate what had changed for me, but something had definitely changed. One thing I knew for sure was that I felt freer than I had ever felt.?

One big idea that I brought home was, ‘Your life is not about you. You are about life.’ I’m still not really sure what that means, but what I have made it to mean is that if I make my life all about me, that is way too small and settling for so much less than what is available. If I make my life all about me, it’s a bit like opting for a six-foot paddling pool with six inches of water in it when I can see myself as a wave in an enormous ocean. A wave who was distinct and different but still connected, still part of the bigger ocean.

Before MROP, I was definitely feeling stuck in a life that was much too focused on me, a life that had become too small and fearful and protective. Since MROP, life has become so much fuller and alive and full of possibilities.?

I am far from figuring everything out. I’ll never figure it out. The journey through life is like a mountain without a summit. Sometimes I forget there is an ocean to explore and that I am part of it. When this happens, I can find myself back in the apparent safety of the paddling pool. But there isn’t a lot of satisfaction there, because when I am there, I am making it all about me and that is never going to satisfy. That is not how I am wired to live, that’s not how any of us were wired to live. Then sometimes I catch myself and remember that ‘I am about life’, that I am made for more, made to make a difference. I remember that I am made for something much bigger than myself. I remember that I have echoes of the infinite intelligence of the universe in my DNA and that so much more is possible than I could ever even imagine … and then I come alive again in a different way, the world looks completely different and anything is possible. Click?here?for a great visualisation of the pool/ocean metaphor.?

What are you wired for? What are you really wired for? What is the impact you want to make on this planet? What is the impact you know you are here to make? What is it that was written into your DNA that is yours to do or create, but you’ve let go of it because you don’t think it’s possible for you? What is it that you really crave?

What would you do if you couldn’t fail??

What if anything really is possible?

Much love!

Peter