The Day I Found Out I Had HIV

"“Josh, you have tested positive for HIV. I know this is a difficult diagnosis to hear, but it's important to remember that HIV is no longer a death sentence. With the right medications and a healthy lifestyle, you can lead a long and fulfilling life.”

The words echoed through my head like a death knell. HIV? How could this be happening to me? I had been reckless and irresponsible, and now I was paying the price. Shame and despair weighed heavily on my shoulders, crushing my spirit and suffocating my hope.

The doctor continued speaking, but I couldn't hear him. All I could think about was the endless stream of drugs and anonymous hookups that had led me to this moment. How many nights had I spent lost in a haze of meth and sex, chasing a high that would never be enough? How many men had I slept with, never bothering to ask about their status or use protection? The answers were too painful to contemplate.

The doctor handed me pamphlets and brochures, offering me resources for counseling and treatment. But all I could think about was escape. How could I face my family, my friends, my lovers, knowing that I was a carrier of this deadly disease? How could I bear the thought of telling them the truth, of admitting my mistakes and the price I was paying?

In a daze, I stumbled out of the doctor's office, my mind consumed by the relentless drumbeat of guilt and shame. I knew what I had to do. I had to get high, to numb the pain and silence the voices in my head. So I went home, poured a drink, and called my dealer.

For hours, I lost myself in a blur of cocaine and crystal, searching for release from the burden of my disease. I hooked up with strangers, lost in a haze of sex and drugs, trying to forget that I was infected, trying to pretend that I was still alive.

But the high didn't last. When I woke up, I was alone and empty, consumed by fear and regret. How could I continue like this? How could I face the future with this burden on my shoulders?

Slowly, painfully, I began to rebuild my life. I sought treatment and counseling, learning to live with my diagnosis and the choices that had led me there. It wasn't easy, but step by step, I began to heal.

Years later, I am healthy and happy, living a life that is full of love and hope. HIV is a part of my story, but it doesn't define me. I have learned to forgive myself for my mistakes and to find strength in my struggles. I am alive, and that is a gift that I will never take for granted."

Buy the book The Devil Inside Me here.