DAY 39 OF 100 DAYS SELF-REINVENTION SERIES - Get Off the Cross, Honey; Someone Else Needs the Wood

“Many people bleed before they’re injured. If you’re one of them…please get off the cross; someone else needs the wood”. – Joan Rivers

Whatever twist or spin you put on the story to arrest listeners, it doesn’t change the fact that it is still a story that you made up.

I remember an instance when I was helping a colleague make a payment for an online course at Harvard University. As a result of previous transaction history, the difference in the location of where the source account was domiciled (UK), and the origin of the current transaction (Nigeria), PayPal refused to remit the transfer to Harvard. The deadline was 48 hours away, and Harvard was ready to cancel enrolment if the course fee was not released. My colleague and I were both worn out after several email exchanges with both organizations, and a speedy resolution remained elusive. My colleague’s response became a source of amusement as he curled up on the visitor’s sofa and began a pity party. When I asked what he was doing, he reeled out a litany of woes. “All my life, there is always a coma somewhere; what works easily for others doesn’t work for me. I can tell you story after story from primary school and how something always goes wrong with my aspirations and dreams. Against all odds, I saved for this course, and now, at this crucial point, PayPal requires seven days for a background check!”

My friend’s story was beautiful and spicy, just the way our robots serve us beautiful stories to tell. Another reminder is that our AI loves and lives for these stories. My colleague expected me to fall for this old line; fortunately for him, I had retrained my robot from falling and joining his pity party. These pity stories give us permission to be failures and imprison the vast ability of God hidden inside us. I went ahead and told John how I had a line waiting for him in my forthcoming book – “However you tell it, it is still a story you made up.” ?He was perplexed and asked, “What has that got to do with what I just told you?” “Everything!” I replied. You just made up a story now about how nothing ever works for you even though you have completed a master’s degree and you are about to attend a program that less than 0.1% of the world’s population can ever think of doing. You hold Nigerian citizenship and a master’s degree in a country where less than 10% can barely boast of a university education, yet nothing is working for you? Where did you get your story? I’m not falling for it, and you can buy my book when it’s off the press and learn a thing or two.” He was very quiet and didn’t say a word. I shut my office door and left him in the waiting room.

An hour later, I saw John in my office, he had come to thank me for not accepting his version of events. I was amazed to hear this from someone who, a while ago, had recounted his story of always being the victim. John narrated how he was enraged at my insensitivity and callousness, but then he calmed down and came to his senses. He realized, for the first time, just how privileged he was and that he even had an easier life than some citizens in the most advanced nations of the world. With these new lenses with which he now saw his life, he got up from the sofa, cheered up, and came to say thanks.

You see, millions, if not billions, of people in the world are playing the pity card. They want to be pitied and are looking for people to tell their stories. Yesterday does not exist…it is only a memory to be forgotten. You can decide to create anything with the power of thought. Whatever you create is a choice that you make.

If you take a cursory examination of what transpired between John and me, you will notice a pattern – between every stimulus and response; there is a space, and that space is where our power lies. Usually, the first response is from the robot; it is automatic, and we did not participate in that response. When my colleague painted a picture of woes in his heritage, he was not the one speaking; he was his robot. When presented with alternative facts, he had the chance to inspect both arguments and make his decision. His life wasn’t as bad as he painted, and he might have been selling this line of thought for years, and those around him didn’t deem it fit to say it wasn’t real. Every story that we tell is made up. Our work is to distinguish between the stories our robots make and what we want in the situation. There are stories that put a spring in our footsteps, while others keep us under a dark cloud.

During a coaching session, I asked my client what the delay was in attaining his goals. His reason was that he lacked the necessary connections. I asked him what he’d do differently if he had them. His response was, “Go and see these big men and ask them to patronize my fledgling business.” I pointed out that he could get up and do that immediately. This observation really startled him as it was an obvious fact. The conversation continued for another forty-five minutes, during which he could not pinpoint where the thought that he needed connections had crept in. His robot had kept him in bondage all along. Every limitation is hidden in the story we tell. We can liberate ourselves from these stories and rewrite one that opens the door for us to overcome the limitations. Yes, between stimulus and response, there is a space.

As I thought about these stories, I remembered a phrase from a story my mentor and coach Steve Chandler told in his life-changing book, ‘Reinventing Yourself,’ “Get off the cross; we need the wood.” The saying was popularized in the movie Straight Talk (1992), when Dolly Parton, playing ‘Dr.’ Shirlee Kenyon, said: “Get down off the cross, honey. Somebody needs the wood”. Are you one of the many in important places of leadership depriving the organization of the vital energy it needs to succeed? Ever complaining and telling stories about what is not working and never seeing how you can contribute? Are you in a relationship, weakening the vital connections that the relationship needs to succeed? Ever telling sad tales that you made up to sap the energies of those who wish to go further? Come off the cross honey, someone else needs the wood.