Day 365

????????. Slicha. Forgive me.

There is a widely accepted Jewish custom to ask the deceased for forgiveness when eulogizing them at their funeral. For whatever one feels the need to apologize for. Our faith is one of self-introspection, of peeling away our complex layers and looking at ourselves through an honest and authentic lens. This seems especially appropriate during these auspicious days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. And frankly, 5784 brought far too many funerals for our people. Far too many apologies.

I remember the first day after October 7th that I did not cry. I remember tucking my daughter in at night and smelling her freshly shampooed hair – one of those rare, but delicious calm moments of motherhood…. Then my thoughts shifted to Kfir and Ariel, and how Shiri probably enjoyed that same experience prior to the horrors of October 7th. That was the moment I realized that I did not cry that day.

It is so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that it has been a year. While my professional role allows me the incredible opportunity to fight for Israel, for which I am very grateful, I have never in my 47 years, felt as intense emotions as I have over the past 365 days. From sadness to grief to anger – definitely anger. And of course, the rare glimpse of happiness. I continue to surprise myself with the intensity of my emotions – but that intensity almost immediately translates into motivation to do something, to have some impact.

This summer, on a staff trip to Israel with AIPAC, I was walking around Re’im, at the Nova site. It was so hot that day – close to 100 degrees, and the air was completely still. There were hundreds of flies everywhere, and as you look around, you see a sea of memorials that have been erected. It is hard to wrap your head around, because while there are tributes with photos, stuffed animals, notes and the occasional beer bottle – there is something about it that does not seem finite. I actually had to close my eyes and think about how each memorial represents an individual and then look even bigger – at the many lives impacted by that one loss – and what would have come from the lives of those killed that day. Each person, each soul was a whole world.

I looked down at one tribute – to the murdered hostage, Uriel Baruch. There was a stone with a broken heart drawn on it. It said – “I DID MY BEST” and seemed to be from a friend. There obviously was a story there, there were so many stories…. It got me thinking – Did I? Have I done my best over the past 365 days? Have I fought hard enough?

That night, after a very intense day at Kfar Aza and the Nova site, I sat on the beach in Tel Aviv, with my colleagues, who are very much like family – we dug our toes in the sand, had a drink and in many ways it seemed incongruent. How could we possibly be enjoying ourselves on the beach, while it is covered with hostage posters and how – just hours earlier, we walked through bullet ridden homes where you could feel the brutality in the air? The juxtaposition was astounding, and actually made me uncomfortable, until an Israeli businessman who had joined us – reminded us. “This is what we all fight for. The ability to sit on the beach with friends and have a drink.”

I believe in that. I believe in Israel and democracy. I believe in the concept of Zionism. I believe in the values that the United States and Israel share. Most of all – I believe in the Jewish State of Israel and the spirit of our people. Despite the efforts of our enemies, I think that I speak for many Jews around the world – I believe in these concepts even more deeply than I did on October 6th.

Last year, I spoke at event just 23 days after 10/7. I remember literally yelling at the crowd – “This is personal. Our family was attacked.” Never could I fathom, that we would be here 365 days later, and that the grief would still be so fresh. That, a little over 30 days ago, while watching Hersh’s funeral, I, along with thousands of others, felt as if Rachel Goldberg Polin was family. It was while I listened to Rachel eulogize Hersh, that I was reminded of the concept of asking for forgiveness.

For me - 5784 came to an end with less closure than I had prayed for. With antisemitism rampant and even socially acceptable – we know who we can rely on and who we cannot. There is no longer a fa?ade. The world is truly upside down. ?I will continue to do what I do on a daily basis – to fight for a strong alliance between the U.S. and Israel – and yet – I still question “Did I do MY best?”

????????. Slicha. Forgive me.