Day 17: When Listening Triggers Emotional Pain

Welcome to Day 16 of #ListentoInnovate. We are so glad you are here. This 30-day challenge builds daily, so if you haven't completed day one, please click here to start.

Why this topic matters in designing innovations.

As soon as the inspiration to write this post struck, the ego-mind began to debate why I shouldn't write this post. The voice in my head said things like, "It's too personal." "It's not enough about business." "What does this have to do with design thinking?" What does this have to do with innovation?" As I look at what's going on in the world - discrimination, racism, inequality, hate, etc. My soul shouts back, "This has EVERY.THING to do with design thinking and innovation. How do we even begin to design a future without injustices if we don't fully understand them, their effects on our stakeholders, and our society?

My Emotional Pain Street Cred

My mother met an untimely death when I was the tender age of one. Since returning from the Vietnam war, my father had battled mental illness and was unfit to raise me and was mostly absent from my life. My maternal grandparents received custody to care for me. And after the first seven years of my childhood, my grandmother could no longer take the pressures of raising me and dealing with my grandfather's life-long alcohol addiction. She left him, and we found ourselves homeless, without a means of transportation (she never got her driver's license) and only her social security check to support us. 

Quickly, we transitioned to my great grandmothers home in a small town in South Georgia. Unfortunately, neither grandmother was the doting, baking cookies kind of grandmother. The home environment was harsh, and I suffered ALL.KINDS of abuse at the hands of them and other family members. Unfortunately, circumstances outside the home weren't ideal either, despite the Civil Rights Act being almost two decades in the rearview, whites and blacks remained separated in many instances. Busing to the nearest high school was segregated. If you were white and misbehaved, your punishment was to ride the black bus. If you were black and misbehaved, your sentence was to ride the white bus. The community pool, open in the summer, still only permitted whites. Of course, they didn't openly state that policy but instead priced blacks out of membership. 

Discrimination exists in many forms.

At this point, if you haven't connected to my profile and know that I am white, you may consider this storyline similar to those experiences of blacks portrayed in many ways in our society. But the color of my skin is white. While I didn't experience discrimination based on my skin color, I did experience discrimination from growing up poor. But the worst was yet to come. By the time I had broken free of the chains of poverty and began to heal those emotional wounds, I ran headlong into discrimination. I was among the first significant wave of women graduating from college in history. In fear of this tsunami-sized wave, corporate America quickly constructed the glass ceiling in an attempt to contain us. 

After a decade of tiresomely fighting to rise up in management, I chose what I thought was a more painless route. I had given birth to my daughter, and freedom was more appealing than a title and a corner office. I decided to become a financial advisor. Little did I know I was going from the frying pan into the fire. At the time, 90% of advisors were male. Females were still seen as "too emotional" and not "to be trusted." Another decade of trudging uphill against discrimination. Yet I continued to be drawn into the inferno.

From there, I decided the faith and non-profit realm more suited my desire for loving and compassionate environments. I failed to consider that women in leadership weren't only frowned upon; it was a downright sin. Sure, over time, I could show myself worthy of teaching a class here and there but lead in the organizational structure or from the pulpit, certainly not. Thank goodness, these discriminations have come undone in many organizations. And I am hopeful they will be completely reversed in my lifetime.

The pain that's greater than discrimination. 

Discrimination (among many other things) has caused significant emotional pain in my life. As a woman, I am still fearful of being alone after dark in particular environments. While concerns about my physical safety exist, they are very limited in scope. Nothing compares to the threat many of my black friends have in broad daylight for nothing more than the color of their skin. 

However, as I watch the media discuss the dismantling of our country, the removal of everything that hints of racism, or everything from the era when racism was so rampant, I am deeply saddened. Not because I'm racist, not because I don't believe our system's broken, and not because I love history. It's because I know the inner workings of emotional pain. From personal experience, I know that you can't remove all the people/organizational structures/circumstances from your life that caused pain and rid yourself of emotional pain. I tried that. And as I introvert, I also know you can't remove yourself from life, to escape emotional pain. I've tried that. Emotional pain is a wound that is within us. The removal and destruction of things outside of us will never (I repeat never) heal the hurt within us.

The re-design begins with listening.

As with any innovation - product, service, business model, or an entire society - should always begin with listening. However, I've also learned from experience, when we hear from an unhealthy place, we design sub-par solutions. When in our listening, our emotional pain is triggered, we immediately head off course if we have not learned to tune in and heal our past hurts. I've seen it, and I'm sure you have as well, a simple misunderstanding destroys relationships, career, or life. So before we seek to destroy one more thing, let us restore ourselves.

Tuning in to listen to our emotional pain

1. Become aware of the pain. Notice when you react in extreme ways - anger, withdrawal, feelings of helplessness, or other negative emotions.
2. Through honest evaluation (or the help of a trusted friend or counselor), recognize the reaction doesn't match the transgression. For example: When there is a deep emotional wound of abandonment, even an unreturned phone call can set off significant emotional pain.
3. Identify the origin of emotional distress. Generally, the roots of emotional pain derive from childhood. Sadly life will continue to compound the effects throughout our lives until we tune in to heal it. 
4. What story did your childhood self create? Example: If I'm abandoned, I won't survive. I won't be able to meet my own needs. I suffer. The framework for the story goes something like this: If _____ happens, it means ______. We assign meaning carte blanche to any event that feels like the original event. And as a result, we suffer.
5. What false belief came out of the story you created? Example: If I'm abandoned, it's because I'm unlovable. Therefore, I must do everything in my power to be loveable. In general, our false beliefs boil down to I'm unworthy. It is also important to note that this story makes us a victim of circumstance, a victim of others' actions (whether they were evil intentions or not). Because I am unlovable - people will (fill in the blank). Beliefs, even false ones, are a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's the placebo effect.
6. Once you understand these key elements, it's important to pivot to what's true. What's right about who you are, what you're capable of, and all that is within your power? This is where you reject victim status and take your power back. 

It looks like this: Negative emotions > Fear story > False belief > Pivot to the truth.

While it may appear simple and straightforward, it ain't easy. These stories and false beliefs are carved deep into our subconscious mind. But like everything else within this 30-day listening challenge, it's a practice. In time, with practice, we heal. And when we heal ourselves, the world begins to heal. 

Day 17 Listening Practice

Review the last few days. Were there instances where something happened that triggered you emotionally? Take some time today to reflect on your experience, potential source for the emotional pain, and the truth about who you are and what you are capable of. 

Challenge Accepted

For increased success, accountability, and fun, let your @LinkedIn community know you have accepted the challenge. Share this post or your listening experience of the day using #challengeaccepted and #listentoinnovate. And don't forget to tag me (@KarenZeigler). I'd love to encourage you and add more value to your listening experience.