Day 15. I wasn't born yesterday
Carrie Bower - Visible Later Lives
Domestic abuse in later life education, through training, podcasting and consultancy services. Podcast host - Let’s Get Visible
A phrased often meaning I’m not na?ve & can’t be fooled.
As you read Maeve’s story think about the following.
Maeve
John & Maeve now in the 70’s, have been married for 48 years.
Maeve grew up in Ireland, in a strict religious home. She was sent to England after she brought ‘shame’ on her family by having a relationship with an older, married man.
She had been sent to a wealthy family where she was expected to look after the children, cook, clean in return for her lodgings. Maeve was penniless & worked long hours. She had no friends & no longer had contact with her family.
John lived locally & befriended Maeve, on her way back from taking the children to school. He took interest in her & bought her cigarettes. Meeting John was her favourite time of the day.
Her work suffered.
She arrived back later & later, the family had been warned of her past & the man of the house would use the term ‘I wasn’t born yesterday’ when Maeve made up an excuse. The more she lied, the harsher his punishments became.
Having confided in John, he suggested she ran away. They planned it meticulously & Maeve saw John as her 'rescuer'.
They married just a few months later, a small? ceremony with only John’s family present.
Initially, they lived with John’s father in their large Victorian family house. Maeve looked after the home & the men, whilst John & his father ran the family business. Maeve was grateful to them both, despite the high & often unrealistic expectations they placed on her, she knew this life was better than the alternative.
The business was successful & a few years later, John bought them a new home of their own.
Maeve enjoyed making it homely & warm. Their family grew quickly & Maeve gradually saw less of John as he worked long hours & worked away. She understood the demands of his job & was content with her young family. A unit she'd longed for.
As the children aged, John would return & began complaining about the state of their home & the children’s behaviour. He felt they lacked discipline. The consequence of Maeve’s alleged ?‘poor parenting’ would be to give her the housekeeping in pennies rather than notes.
He knew this really troubled her, having once been so incredibly poor, knowing she would have to count them out at the shop counter, despite their wealth.?
Maeve found comfort in her cigarettes, & at the end of each long day, she would have a soak in a hot bath, with the radio playing, smoking & singing.
This was her happy time.
As the years passed, John became an angry, resentful man. He believed Maeve was ungrateful for the affluent life he had gifted her. After-all she would be nothing without him.
When he had stewed in the resentment for a week or so, he would find release by punishing? Maeve. His preferred choice was hiding the bath plug. The pleasure of her deep unhappiness of missing her nightly ritual became a delight to John.
On occasions when she shouted and demanded the plug, John would drag her upstairs run a cold bath & hold her head under the water. Calmly reminding Maeve who was in charge of this house. As Maeve’s distress heightened, so did John’s enjoyment.
As the years passed, John’s punishments altered, sometimes they would be even more depraved or sexual, but would be quickly followed by affection, extravagant gifts & a request for forgiveness.
Maeve blamed herself.
Of all the punishments she was subjected to, the memory of being held under water was the most profound. Throughout her life she continued to be emotionally triggered by the sound of a running bath.
Her chest feeling tight, crushing her torso, gasping for breath, frozen.
Now in their 70’s, Maeve has dementia & multiple health conditions. She is dependent on John to ‘care’ for her.
He knows this & whenever he feels the resentment boil, he simply runs the bath.
No violence, no aggression, he calmly demonstrates his power & control.
Maeve is frozen, & her body remembers the safest thing she can do is stay still & silent.?
Written by Carrie
For stories, podcast and services visit Visible Later Lives
Author of "What Type Of Man?" | Won a defamation case in Spain | Fighting Article 6 Violation June 10th 2022 No Fair Hearing | Women in non married relationships treated like second class citizens |
2 个月This sentence hits home. "As the years passed, John became an angry, resentful man. He believed Maeve was ungrateful for the affluent life he had gifted her. After-all she would be nothing without him." It reminded me of some odd things a former partner used to say. Like "Don't bite the hand that f***ing feeds yer." Or " "I'm the best man you have ever had; you're lucky to have me." And "No wonder you don't have any friends, no wonder nobody loves you." When I was the person who went out into the community, I started taking part in activities like exercise classes, learning Spanish, quiz nights, and darts. I didn't understand any of what was happening. Now I understand angry, resentful and jealous. Plus #gaslighting and #projection as well as #emotionalabuse #devaluation #psychologicalabuse and #coercion. That was why the idea of writing my story about how the relationship unfolded was planted in my head the very night I experienced the #discard. None of the post-separation abuse had happened at that point.
Employment Counsellor
2 个月My heart breaks. Godawful cruelty, *evil* non human behaviour there, the depravity makes me sick. A wish for all women and men in this horrific situation to have access to running away money from the state and use it before some ****er abuses them to death. Government put your money where your mouth is and boycott domestic abuse