Day 142 of "Heartbroken" war in Ukraine

Yet another morning has begun with terrible news in Ukraine.?Just 2 km from our apartments in Odesa the racket felt from russia. Before few days three rockets hit the center of Vinnitsa with about 30 dead including 3 children.?Vinnitsa is where I visited my great-grandparents as a child, and have such bright memories in this city.?Now I only feel sadness and grief for Vinnitsa, for every city in Ukraine, for every inhabitant, and for every part of the history of our home.??

It has never been so scary simply to live.?You just don’t know if you will even wake up in the morning, or if going to the store will not be fatal.?I used to think that life was tough. While living in Israel I worked very hard at 4 jobs, and although a citizen, felt all alone.?This feeling of loneliness was very difficult as I had to sacrifice a lot for the sake of survival and to help my family. I thought I was strong back then as I had to cope with that type of existence and couldn’t truly enjoy life.?This experience however changed me as I found myself living in an extreme state of being.??

A year and a half ago I decided to leave Israel as life brought me to Odessa.?I met a great guy, found a job with potential, had friends there and it was closer to my family.?But no sooner did my life become truly happy, this terrible war began.?It has taken something important from each of us, and a part of our collective selves will never be the same.??

I really tried not to cry and rather attempted to pull myself together and be strong.?Like many other women I left Ukraine at the beginning of the war.?I traveled to different countries, and even spent a week in Israel.?There I felt really good and comfortable like at home, but it was not the same as before.?Now part of my family, many friends and my boyfriend were in Ukraine where they lived in constant danger.??

My panic attacks, which began to manifest before the war, only intensified.?I faced constant insomnia and stress.?I found myself unwilling to enjoy life or to walk amongst beautiful places that I used to love to visit.?It seemed as if I was haunted by some invisible survivalist instinct.??

I chose to immerse myself in volunteering by creating a mobile application to help Ukrainian refugees, but this did not truly distract me from my paranoias.?My work capacity was at zero because of my panic attacks, so I poured all my time into my refugee project.?As the lead of my own enterprise however, I couldn’t be in such a state.?How could I motivate other team volunteers, if I was an extinguished candle myself???

I decided then to return to Ukraine.?At least there I could go through this difficult period with my boyfriend.??I first moved to Lviv and my boyfriend relocated there from Odessa to be with me.?The excitement of returning to Ukraine however was short lived as my nervous system was exhausted.??

During the two months I had been gone there were many victims from missiles in the most unexpected places.?These included shopping centers, high-rise apartment buildings, and office buildings, such as where russian missiles struck Vinnitsa.?All of this aggravated my emotional state significantly.?Once I even called an ambulance because I could barely walk, and was overwhelmed with a feeling of dread that I was about to die.

I suffered constant breakdowns with my boyfriend and loved ones.?I struggled with apathy, fear, nervousness, insomnia, and 24/7 negative thoughts.?Even visiting my typical escapes like a cafe or a park didn’t really help. My boyfriend deleted all the groups on my Telegram where I might read bad news, as such stories served as triggers that worsened my condition. Eventually I began to feel better with fewer panic attacks and less stress in my life.??

We decided to return to Odessa, because there I felt most at home.?My boyfriend’s family is there along with all of our friends, and good memories.?I hoped that this would help rid me of my depression.?At first it was so great, but unfortunately the euphoria was short lived.?All of my anxieties from Lviv returned as the realities of this horrible war from battlefield deaths to city-center bombing repeated themselves over and over.?This is not life nor is it an existence, but rather it is simply hopelessness at every turn.?

I feel as if my soul absorbs all of the suffering of others and is now preventing me from living.?The fear of my own death or of my loved ones consumes me and horrifies me to my soul.?I think about how terrible it would be to die from a rocket; slowly passing with severed limbs.?All of this dominates my thoughts around the clock. I wish I knew when this would be over so I could make plans and look forward to getting together with loved ones.?I desperately want to travel around Ukraine, or just to simply walk down the street without fear.??

As the realization sets in that this war is impossible to escape either in reality or in thought, my stress compounds.?This dispare creates the very real feeling that even if I moved to another place, no matter where, that the Russians would pursue me.?Then what could I do in that case?

Time flies so fast that it’s scary to think I’m almost 26.?Sometimes I feel like my whole life was just one short dream, from which only memories remain.?Regarding the past, half of the closest people in my life are gone.?Here in the present there is only fear, pain, grief and sadness.?While the future is simply too uncertain and therefore unrealistic to plan.

In communicating with other Ukrainians, many feel the same as I.?Some are worse while others are better as everyone has their own methods of dealing with the reality of war.?I still struggle to find my own method.?I thought about consulting a psychologist, but they are terribly expensive, especially considering that I’ve been out of work for five months.??

I then poured my heart and soul into my volunteer project since I lacked either the mental or physical fortitude to work a job.?However this is financially problematic as it’s dangerous to spend the last of my savings on volunteerism.?I have now started looking for some kind of work even if it is part time, and I can only hope I have enough money to cover my needs.??

Never before have I felt?so vulnerable and weak and at times am even ashamed of myself.?My subconscious is constantly tormenting me and I feel as if my nerves are being ripped out from the inside.?Then there is my poor boyfriend who is left to tolerate my fears and deal with my erratic behavior.?For the first time I really don’t know what to do with my life and I fear sinking so low that there will be no way back up.

If you read to this moment, please share your advice, what you can suggest how to handle it or if you feel something similar, please also share, hope it will be very helpful.

P.S, Picture from Сarpathians 2 days before the war...