Day 1 of meditating 10 hours a day for 10 days straight

Day 1 - The day I started to understand my ADHD

I woke up so enthusiastically at 4am, showered, brushed my teeth and proceeded to attempt meditation.

I immediately fell asleep again and woke up in a panic a while later not knowing the time. Have I missed breakfast? Why is it so quiet? Where is everyone else? This is going to be a long 10 days kept on ringing in my head.

If you are new here, go read the previous articles in this series to understand a little more.

The only instruction for today was “Observe your breath”

“Sweet, sounds easy enough” I thought, maybe a tad excessive for 10 hours but surely it cannot be that hard. It was that hard. Very hard. Immediately I went into a state of controlling my breath as my brain naturally cannot simply observe it. I ended up saying “In and out” as I was so called watching my breath. It was frustrating. I was controlling my breath, not observing my breath. My brain got so bored and I would drift off into random thoughts. I realised our brains are amazing but also absolutely mad - catching thought after thought like a crazy monkey jumping from tree to tree, before catching my brain back and then continuing my quest to be in the moment and observe my breath. This repeated for hours. The continuous cycle of controlling my breath and then running mad into my thoughts about nothing really.

I realised my ADHD was actually a little monkey in my right chest - crazy how a brain associates things, especially when you are sitting silent in isolation. I would observe my ADHD monkey from the same place I found out how to observe my breath. My ADHD had no interest in sitting still observing the breath. BORING.

I spent the afternoon in a state of either “Get me out this prison” or “Let me learn and understand my little ADHD monkey and train it to enjoy the present moment.”

I found that there was this little place at the back of my head which was dark and calm, and it was the place I slowly started releasing the control of my breath and slowly started to understand what true observation of the present moment was. This little place at the back of my head would be my place of observation for the next 10 days, and thank goodness I found this place on day 1. The evening meditations were always better as my little ADHD monkey seemed tired and I also started to teach him to observe the breath. It was a serious trial of self control.

I got in trouble during the evening lecture as I slowly started to move from a seated position to a lying down position. I got told to sit up in my meditation pose for the lectures too. “Are these people crazy?” I sit and meditate in the same position for 10 hours a day and now for another full hour I need to listen to some old guy and STILL sit in the same position?” I was revolting to the laws a little and missed my personal freedom.

Nonetheless, the evening lectures were my happy place as I was able to make connections between what was asked of us and what the teacher was saying - sprinkled with a little humour I started enjoying sitting and listening to lectures - who would have thought. Maybe because I got to listen to something other than the very silly thoughts in my head for a bit. It kind of felt like a little holiday in the day.

Day 1 surprisingly went by quickly, however I was a little nervous as to what the other 9 days had in store for me as I had exhausted the little entertainment I had.

By this time I had read every label in my clothes and learnt to wash clothes inside out - who would have thought.

I had also read all my toiletry products and realised how to use the expensive face products my sister and mom make me buy.

Don't get me wrong, I was bored, frustrated and did not really enjoy the thought of waking up for the next 9 days and meditating 10 hours a day. Not my idea of fun.

Day 2 - The day I wanted to leave.

The very small wins from yesterday overshadowed my desire to leave and day 2 started off unbelievably well. Full of hope and positive. I was getting into a routine and I was starting to understand how to structure my mornings, lunch and evening hours off. How to keep busy other than meditating and keep myself entertained as well. I need routine, as much as I need freedom. Freedom is a big part of my routine actually. I thought finding a rhythm and routine in a new environment that would best suit me and the outcomes I have, would be the easiest thing to control.

The meditation instruction for today was also simple - “Observe the sensations of your breath in your nose” In order to do this one needs to first get into the present moment by observing the breath. The true present moment is a thing I think most people have never experienced. I started to experience a lot of peace in the present. One then observes the breath with some much attention that you start to feel your nose tingle with all sorts of different sensations. Or so I was told…

I never experienced this.

I sat there in frustration for the whole day. (Funnily enough to this day I still struggle to feel sensations in my nose, it is a block for some reason.)

I realised on day 2 that I have always been quite aware - but I had no attention, or rather my attention was everywhere a lot of the time. I know with ADHD my brain has this amazing potential to laser focus as well. I was focusing on being so quiet and calm until you really feel it from an experiential level. This was very frustrating initially though, and by the lecture at 8pm I wanted out and I had asked to speak to the teacher in private to tell him my desire to leave this prison I signed up for.

He gladly gave me 30 minutes of his time. To put things into hindsight, nobody looks up, nobody talks, nobody shows emotion, everyone walks slowly, people staring into walls. I need freedom to be happy - I need travel, spontaneity, car drives, mountains, running, beaches. Not this. I was in a meditation prison. I thought I has signed up to be a monk, well I kind of had. Shit I should have thought this through a little more I thought to myself.

However, deep down inside I never really wanted to leave and I never would have actually left, I just needed to connect with someone. I felt like there was zero human connection other than yourself, it felt extreme. I do not like rules or being told what to do. I was trapped here - or my mind trapped me.

Oh how na?ve I was in the moment but thank you to the teacher, who approached me and started with a very casual “Howzit” Taken aback by his lack of “monk like language” I replied with a casual “Howzit” I am not allowed to speak about what was said, but all I can say is thank you teacher - who took 30 minutes to connect with me in a lot of ways and be vulnerable about his journey and practice. He knew what I needed without me even telling him. He allowed me to collect a pen and notebook and break that rule. I wish I did not write but It did help me get through the 10 days. I started to get attached to the book and pen at times and it was a slight distraction, but in the moment it was everything I needed. When I do the course again I will not take a book in. The teacher was direct, honest and real. Exactly what I needed. Something real. I am not in such a mad place. He made me realise normal people do this too and I did not just sign up to be a monk. He was normal. This was normal. Okay sweet, I can calm down now and get into the mindset I need.

“Be kind and gentle to myself - but it is time to laser focus” was the thought in my head going to bed that night.

Bring on Day 3, laser focused and ready...