Daughters as Sons

In recent times I have been on a steep learning curve and like most changes, this one has been particularly unpleasant and rather permanent.

On Tuesday, September 26, 2023 life as I knew it changed forever. I lost my hero and one of my best friends – My Dad. That day started out as a regular day. I was looking forward to seeing my mum and younger sister who were stopping by my house after a post-surgery check for my mum. I got permission from my boss, Misan Olukuade SPHRi, ACIPM (on another day we will talk about Misan and all my bosses at Terragon) to leave early so I could catch up with my people. I had marinated and kept some fish for my father who absolutely loves my cooking. My mum was going to fry the fish and make it into a sauce that he likes.

I check on them at 6.30pm and they are just getting home. My dad is not back so my mum attends evening service for the first time since the surgery. At my end, I proceed to send out invites to my friends for the launch of a community I am trying to build. Right in the middle of that, my husband calls me from upstairs and there’s a difference in his tone of voice. I dismiss it because I am upset with him for stressing me about how I do not maintain the car properly. Anyways, I go upstairs and I hear the words ‘Your dad has just been rushed to the ER; we need to go to Surulere’. ‘Did anyone say what was wrong?’ I asked frantically. ‘Please meet me in the car’ was the only response I got.

Somehow in my head, I knew that this journey across Eko bridge was a different one. Under my breath I muttered ‘Father, please give me 5 minutes. I need to hear my dad’s voice one last time’. We get to the hospital and I see my dad lying on the hospital bed still, with a blank stare in his eyes. I close my eyes and did what I knew how to do in times of confusion, fear, anxiety… I prayed. This is what my father and mother taught us growing up. It is a part of me. We are people of great faith and with all the faith in my heart, I prayed for a miracle. His body was still very warm to the touch. His skin was glowing and very fresh. The only thing was that his eyes had no life in them. Then I noticed the monitor, it had a FLAT LINE. All around me, family and relatives were making plans for the ambulance to take my dad to the morgue. I refused to accept it. In my head, just before the ambulance arrived, my dad true to his fun and bubbly nature will get up and say ‘Haha! I got you guys good’. The ambulance came at 2am and my papa was put in a body bag. He did not get up. He did not crack any jokes. He let them close his eyes and put him in a body bag. My heart broke and I let out heart wrenching cries. ‘My Daddy… My Daddy…’ was all I kept repeating. We went and settled the bills and the rest of the night passed in a blur.

Then came the visits, well-wishes and reminders to be Strong and not cry because I am Ada. Same instructions to all four (4) of my siblings with each person getting a special reason not to express grief. I couldn’t even find the tears if I tried. I was numb and in shock. God gave, God took away but it is such a hard thing to accept.

Death is an expensive venture – emotionally, mentally and financially. I was surprised to discover the economy of the dead. I am Igbo and the rights were initiated. We needed to pay for this and start preparing for that. Through it all, my dad’s kinsmen will talk to my husband and younger brother about the next steps but never to me or my sisters about the 'Omenala'. It was surprising to see how strong patriarchy still is in this part of the world. Between my sister, my husband and myself we have been sorting out the expenses. An uncle of mine told my mum to be very proud because she gave birth to sons as daughters. In his words, ‘Your husband will be very proud to have raised fine women like these. A lot of times we are focused on having sons but your daughters have acted better than 5 sons put together’.

Well, I am my father’s daughter and he raised us to be confident, strong, kind and bold. We learned early on never to give up or feel less of a person because you are female. Morning devotions were used as opportunities to teach values, reinforce your sense of worth and altogether bond. I remember early on in my career when I had issues with my appraisal because my line manager had some sort of negative bias towards me. I had met my KPIs but this person still wanted me to rate myself lower than I deserved. I went to my dad saying I was confused because my line manager was one of the most senior people in the organization and greatly feared by all. The conversation went like this:

Dad: Amy, did you put in the work?

Me: Yes

Dad: Is there an appraisal system in place that can help justify your work and what has been done?

Me: Yes

Dad: By virtue of the work you have done and the appraisal system, what should your score look like and what are you been asked to rate yourself?

Me: I should get a B at the very minimum but it is an A and this line manager is asking me to give myself a C which puts me automatically on probation.

Dad: Are you a C-person or an A-person? Have you ever been a C-person?

Me: No sir. I am not a C but an A-person.

Dad: Then leave the appraisal as you have done it. Never let anybody make you feel like you deserve or you are worth less. If your line manager wants to give you a C, let it come from him/her. If you are not satisfied with the outcome, don’t be afraid to challenge the result as long as you are sure you did the work.

My confidence that day went up to a 1000%. I left the appraisal as advised by my dad and ended up with a B which meant I could be confirmed. My father raised daughters as sons. He and my mum taught us to be determined, confident, kind, ambitious without losing your femininity. Till today, I do not know how to put on a generator or lift heavy stuff because my dad did that for me. So here is my father’s advice to the daughters out there:

• You are extremely valuable. Never be afraid to insist on your worth. The barriers for women exist but the only person that can stop you is YOU.
• Embrace your femininity, therein lies a lot of power.
• Live life unapologetically. You only have ‘this much’ time
• Forgive, love hard, laugh a lot and never give up
• Be kind, empathetic and accepting of others. Humans are very fallible
• Effective communication paired with emotional intelligence is a powerful arsenal for today's woman
• Be soft and gentle with a warrior’s heart.
• Finally, to thyself always be true

I love you Dad and it breaks my heart to not hear ‘Amy, how are you?’ again.

See you in heaven. Try not to crack the angels up too much.