Dating Apps Can Be Better: I Met the Love of My Life by Telling My Husband He Was Going to Lose His Job

Most romances don’t begin by telling your future partner they’re going to lose their job, but somehow, it worked for me.* That kind of joke only lands with the right in-person chemistry. I was flirting with a handsome man at a dive gay bar after both of our Halloween parties, and it was magical. I’d seen this guy around before, always noticing his laugh, but I’d never worked up the courage to talk to him—until that night.

On paper, we wouldn’t make sense. But the way we connected that night defied what any dating app could have predicted. If we’d met online, we’d probably have filtered past each other without a second thought.

The Rise of Online Dating

I’ve always been a fan of online dating. It helped me break out of my shy personality and gave me a way to connect without feeling so self-conscious. Plus, let’s be honest—being a gay kid isn’t easy. My first experiences were in AOL chatrooms and on instant messenger around age 15 (don’t tell my parents). Later, I graduated to Gay.com, which was basically an online forum with chatrooms that felt like a constant barrage of pings.

Queer people, more than most, have always found ways to signal to one another and create spaces to connect. As you’ll see below, this has shaped how online dating has evolved.

What was once seen as strange or risky—meeting someone online—has now become the default way to find a partner. And it’s even more common among LGBTQ+ folks. But while dating apps have grown in popularity, their design has introduced new problems that impact how we connect.

The Design Problems of Dating Apps

Online dating has become the default, but it’s far from perfect. Many of the issues come down to the way these apps are designed:

1. Commodification of People

In the world of dating apps, people are turned into marketable commodities. Filters let you exclude potential matches based on height, race, political affiliation, or other superficial criteria. While I get the need for values-based filters, many of these have nothing to do with real chemistry or connection.

2. Algorithmic Blind Spots

Most apps rely on algorithms to control who you see, often using techniques like collaborative filtering (think Netflix recommendations). While this works for movies, it limits what you’re exposed to in dating. The result? You’re shown people similar to your past swipes, which reinforces your blind spots and prevents you from discovering unexpected connections.

3. The Paradox of Choice

Having endless options might sound great, but it’s paralyzing. You scroll through profiles wondering if someone better—hotter, taller, more successful—is just a swipe away. This makes it hard to appreciate the matches you already have.

4. Prioritizing Looks

Let’s face it: most dating apps prioritize good-looking people. They know that attractive users keep others engaged, creating an illusion of abundance while fostering superficial connections.

5. Pay-to-Play Dynamics

Dating apps have increasingly adopted monetization models that require users to “pay to play.” Want your profile to be seen? Pay for a boost. Want to show extra interest? Pay for a super-like or a rose. Even basic visibility is often locked behind a paywall.

The Human Costs of Dating Apps

These design flaws don’t just make apps frustrating—they have real emotional consequences:

• For Men: Many men face constant rejection. They initiate most interactions and are often the biggest source of revenue for dating apps. I’ve read countless stories of men on Reddit who finally match with someone, only to be ghosted or ignored.
• For Women: Women, meanwhile, are overwhelmed with messages—many of which are generic, inappropriate, or focused on hookups. On TikTok, women told me it’s common for guys to jump straight to “come over” or some other hookup message without any real conversation.
• For Everyone: Bots, scams, and catfishing are rampant. A tool meant for love has become a marketplace for exploitation. There’s even a trend of using dating apps to market OnlyFans accounts. I even saw on TikTok someone trying to get a prospect to subscribe to their podcast.

And even when matches do lead to real-life meetings, things often go wrong:

• Ghosting Before Meeting: Despite all the messaging, many connections never make it to a first date.
• Awkward Dates: When people finally meet, the chemistry often falls flat. You’ve built up an image of someone in your head, only to realize your values or personalities don’t align.
• Heartbreak and Disconnection: Many interactions end in ghosting after a few dates, leaving people feeling disillusioned.

What Needs to Change

For dating apps to truly help people connect, we need:

• More Real-Time Communication: Features that encourage authentic interactions instead of gamified swiping.
• Better Vetting: Tools to identify and reduce bad behavior, making platforms safer for everyone.
• A Shift Away from Growth at All Costs: Most apps prioritize user growth and revenue over fostering meaningful relationships. Why? Probably VC and Wall Street Money. They started off fine, but they lost their way.

Advice for Users

While we wait for dating apps to improve, there are things we can do to make the experience better:

1. Be Kind: Ghosting hurts. If you’re not interested, just say, “I didn’t feel a connection,” and move on.
2. Be Open: Stop getting hung up on superficial preferences. Chemistry often defies expectations.
3. Act Quickly: Meet up sooner rather than later to avoid endless chatting that leads nowhere.

What’s Next

These issues stem from deeper problems in how dating apps are funded and designed, driven by a venture capital model that prioritizes growth above all else. I’ll write more about these systemic problems and propose solutions involving social infrastructure.

And after that, I’ll tell you all about my app and how it’s designed to be different.

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*My, now, husband worked at Radio Disney and I follow business and the markets closely and this was eventually going to come to pass 6 years later.

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