THE DARVO CONCEPT

THE DARVO CONCEPT AND HOW NARCISSISTS USE DARVO TO

AVOID ACCOUNTABILITY

Introduction?

The term DARVO is an acronym which stands for Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender. The term was first coined in the 1990s by a psychologist named Jennifer Freyd. It refers to a form of manipulation which is aimed at shifting the focus away from any wrongdoing and to avoid any consequences, and attacking the victim in ways that allows them to switch roles. The aggressor becomes the victim, the victim becomes the aggressor.

It’s a form of gaslighting in the sense that the person using the strategy rewrites the narrative, rewrites the version of events. In many cases fools others into believing their version of events. For instance, they might even claim they’ve been wrongly accused by someone who is malignant, insane, and therefore gain sympathy and support from others. And it tends to happen whenever a victim of abuse, mistreatment, or any kind of wrongdoing confronts or challenges their abuser.

Research shows that between 0.5% to 5% of the general US population have?narcissistic personality disorder?in the U.S., with a greater prevalence in men than women.?However, multitudes are affected by a controlling tactic that many narcissists use called DARVO.

“DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims,” explains?Avigail Lev, PsyD, founder of Bay Area CBT Center and CBT online.

Narcissists and those diagnosed with?personality disorders?are the ones who most often use DARVO in a?psychologically abusive?way. It impacts the physical, mental, and emotional health of the family members, friends, and colleagues who are victimized by it. DARVO allows abusers to control the narrative and avoid accountability for their behaviour.

What Does DARVO Look Like?

Knowing the definition of DARVO is one thing; understanding what signs to look for in your relationship is another. Experts say there are specific characteristics to look for to determine if?someone is manipulating you?in this way.

Denial

Someone adamantly denies being wrong and won’t acknowledge wrong behaviours. A person using this tactic will not only say they are not abusive but will minimize your feelings. If they tell you, "It's not that big of a deal," or "You're making too much of this," that's another way to deny the wrong behaviour and its impact on you.

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Denial can take many forms. There’s denial- it happened. There’s denial of the severity or the intent. There’s also justification of the behaviour. Outright denial might just sound like, “That didn’t happen,” or, “That didn’t happen the way you say it did.” The narcissistic person may become righteously indignant. “How dare you accuse me of that, that’s not the kind of person I am. Everybody knows I’m not like that.”

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The narcissistic person becomes outraged and accuses their victim of lying and attacking their character. Any aggression that follows is portrayed as them defending themselves against unfair accusations. Another form of denial is confusion, sometimes referred to as toxic amnesia. They can’t remember what they did. They might claim they’ve been under a lot of pressure at work. There are very busy with this, that and the other thing. They may claim that they are being blamed on so many things and have that listen to so many lies and accusations they just can’t keep up. Victims will hear things like, “When did this happen? What are you talking about? Why you bringing that up now? Why would I do that?” They behave as if this is news to them. The victim tries very hard to explain pretty much what the abuser already knows. They may even give concrete examples, but they are met with more bewilderment and confusion. Quite often the victim might become frustrated, so they are accused of being aggressive or being crazy.

Attack

The accused person becomes aggressive, arguing that they are not in the wrong. They also seek to cast doubt on you as the person who is questioning their behaviour.

Instead of just refusing to accept responsibility for abusive behaviour, this person is actively working to make it look like you are the one who is in the wrong. "Abusers attack the credibility, character, or motives of the victim. They may use insults, threats,?gaslighting, or manipulation to discredit the victim's account of the abuse."

?Then there is minimising the victim’s experience. “Get over yourself it wasn’t that bad, you’re just too sensitive, it was only a joke.” Or, “Sure you like me calling you that.” The victim is left feeling devalued and invalidated. The narcissist may tell other people, “We only had an argument, all couples argue. They’re just blowing things way out of proportion.” Now if the victim tries to explain to others what happened, remember, they have probably been told a sanitised version. So the more they try to explain themselves, the more they try to make themselves understood, they may sound as if they are exaggerating or engaging in a smear campaign, which the narcissist has probably warned them about.

?Then there is justifying their actions. “Well, I had to because…” and it could be, “It was for your own good, it was for the greater good,” or, “I’m trying to make this relationship work and all you do is criticise and attack me.” The victim is led to believe that they maybe are being unreasonable for not accepting the behaviour. Sometimes even questioning themselves “Am I really just being too sensitive?” or, “Is my reaction out of proportion to this?”

If there is more than one person challenging or confronting the narcissist, the narcissistic person might claim that these accusations are part of a hate campaign, an agenda to destroy them somehow by people who are malignant, envious. They might claim it’s a witch hunt.

?Reverse Victim and Offender

Now let’s look closer at the victim and offender roles, the switching of those roles and why they seem to work. Narcissistic people seem to have this belief that the more people they tell the more true something becomes. They tell their version to anyone who will hear them. They will tell it in public, they will tell it to strangers. They will put it out there on social media. The victims are accused of gaslighting, spreading rumours, character assassination. Their motives, their mental health is called into question. The abuser is a falsely accused, innocent victim. It also works in the sense that the narcissist doesn’t have to accept responsibility or accountability for their actions.

The true victim ends up being blamed and shamed. They are vilified and attacked for pointing out the bad behaviour and the effect it has on them. DARVO also relies on emotion rather than facts. The narcissist relies on their victims fears. The fear of being criticised, the fear of being rejected, the fear of public opinion, and the fear of being punished by everyone, not just the narcissist. It also relies on discrediting the victim. It is the victim who is a narcissist, a psychopath they’re an alcoholic, they have anger issues. There can be threats of consequences if the victims were to speak up. There may be threats of violence, threats to destroy property. There could be threats to tell other people about their dark secrets. There may be threats to go to the authorities to report any false allegations.

?The abuser tries to switch roles, arguing that they are the real victim and making the victim look like the offender. The abuser may claim to be unfairly accused, then say that you are making accusations to cover up your own behaviour. This attempt to shift blame helps the abuser be seen in a more positive light while inflicting mental and emotional pain on the person already experiencing abuse.

In addition, an abuser will gaslight the victim, making that person wonder if they are crazy or think that what they are experiencing is not actually abuse. An abuser will also likely?deflect, trying to switch gears and remove attention from the problematic behaviour.

Impact of DARVO

Abusers who use DARVO methods on their victims often achieve the intended results. Studies show that when people saw one person using DARVO tactics on another, the victim was viewed as “less believable,” while the perpetrator was seen as “less abusive and less responsible.”?As you can imagine, dealing with that level of manipulation day in and day out takes a massive toll on its victims—physically, mentally, and emotionally.

“DARVO negatively impacts the victim's mental health because they internalize the false narrative that they are the perpetrator and that the problems in the relationship or abuse are their fault. They convince themselves that they are the cause of their own mistreatment, leading to feelings of self-blame and self-doubt”.

?“Being subjected to repeated manipulation through DARVO can lead to … anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, a sense of powerlessness, and narcissistic abuse /personality syndrome as well as pseudo identity, where the victim develops a pseudo personality that echoes and repeats the narcissist's false self- their grandiose narrative of themselves”.

How to Protect Yourself Against DARVO

Once you learn more about DARVO and think you may be the victim of this manipulative tactic, you can take steps to help yourself.

• Educate yourself.?Know what signs to look for. When you understand the pattern that DARVO abusers use, you can see it coming. You’ll be able to recognize their tactics and be able to better control and manage your emotions when it happens. “Once recognized, this pattern becomes more predictable and quickly loses some of its power and influence.”
• Stand up for yourself.?Clearly name what it is happening, what you will allow, and what you will not allow.
• Learn what healthy communication looks like in a relationship.?Along with saying what you won’t put up with, make sure the abuser knows what you expect.
• Find a support group.?Friends and family members can give you the encouragement that you need. “Having a strong support network can help you validate your experiences and counteract the effects of DARVO”.
• Get professional help. Mental health professionals who are familiar with and understand narcissistic abuse can be pivotal in your healing journey. “There are a number of therapeutic resources for individuals dealing with DARVO, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and trauma-focused therapy.

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