The Dark Side- A confession inspired by Elton John, Brene Brown, Jocko Willink and Oscar Wilde

I just read an article written by Elton John, and was particularly moved by something he said. For some reason it got me thinking about the work Jocko Willink and Leif Babin did in their book ‘Extreme Ownership’ and what Brene Brown shows in her recent Netflix lecture ‘Daring Greatly’.

All these people are 100% in alignment with themselves. Many of us live our lives trying to showcase our talents and hide our embarrassments or crimes- but these heroes take extreme ownership seriously. They don’t conform to the idea that only the best parts of themselves are acceptable in the world. What all have in common is that they owned it- their failures and the wisdom that springs from them.

In ‘Extreme Ownership’ Jocko discusses a time in his much earlier leadership years where he used physical discipline on his crew to ensure they stayed in line- by slapping them in the face. This is not how he leads now- but he does talk about the mindset he was in and what shifted from that to help build him as he is today. It was a phase of his development that he has outgrown, but there were lessons learnt from that phase in his life.

Brene Brown, the thought leader on vulnerability and shame, gave personal examples from her life about times when she has done things widely perceived to be ‘bad’- saying she wouldn’t read comments about her on the internet but immediately doing it the moment her husband left the house, in her short cartoon on ‘blamers anonymous’ and things people have said to her face after taking her advice ‘F*ck Brene Brown’. But these are all human things. Not necessarily good or bad, just human. And she is still loveable!

In the article Elton John wrote, he mentions the documentary ‘tantrums and tiaras’ which is about him, and how others encouraged him to stop it from being released due to unflattering content. He said ‘I love it, because for moments in there I am disgusting and awful- and at my worst I was. There is no reason to pretend otherwise’. This signals to me the high level of self respect, self awareness and self love that these people have. Taking ownership for who they are- the good, the bad, the lot.

All of these stories link back to my favourite passage from ‘De Profundis’, a love letter written by Oscar Wilde to his lover. This is the most beautiful thing I have ever read, and goes as follows:

When first I was put into prison some people advised me to try and forget who I was. It was ruinous advice. It is only by realising what I am that I have found comfort of any kind. Now I am advised by others to try on my release to forget that I have ever been in a prison at all. I know that would be equally fatal. It would mean that I would always be haunted by an intolerable sense of disgrace, and that those things that are meant for me as much as for anybody else—the beauty of the sun and moon, the pageant of the seasons, the music of daybreak and the silence of great nights, the rain falling through the leaves, or the dew creeping over the grass and making it silver—would all be tainted for me, and lose their healing power, and their power of communicating joy. To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development. To deny one’s own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one’s own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul.

Today I am going to take a step towards shining light on my dark side by sharing a story from my past that has made me who I am today. That is why you may have noticed the Darth Vader helmet covering half of my face in the picture above. Even in the concept of Yin and Yang, there is light within darkness and darkness within light.

Many years ago, I was working as a nurse in a busy ED (Emergency Department) as the shift co-ordinator. It was one of those days- a lot of truly sick people coming in, not enough places to put them and staffing resource issues on top of that. In the role of the shift co-ordinator, we picked the next people to come in for treatment (often a hard decision), ensured staff were providing quality care, kept up to date with the patient journey of all patients in the ED and booked beds in the hospital when people were admitted, ensuring staff could complete their handovers, workloads and take breaks.

On this day, a man had come in with his daughter. She was young- around 3 years old and had come in with cold and flu like symptoms. The nurse in the area had assessed her, given panadol and they were waiting to see a doctor. After being in the department for 1 hour, the father came up to me and said they had been waiting a while and asked how long it would be. I explained that we were overloaded and that there were delays in seeing people and that a doctor would see them as soon as they could. I couldn’t give a time frame because things change quickly in ED (if a resuscitation comes in- many resources will be taken from other areas and sent there). He looked unimpressed and went back to his daughters bay. After another 30 minutes he came and asked me the same questions. I rephrased the answer in a different way. I also went over to check on his daughter to make sure she wasn’t deteriorating- her vitals were normal and she was still stable. I explained I needed to get back to the co-ordination but provided reassurance and left.

15 minutes later, the father came up to me and asked the same questions and said that children are meant to be priorities for treatment. I agreed that children can get unwell and well very rapidly, and that we try to see them quickly, but that I had checked on her and she was ok for now, once again I apologised for the wait. 

15 minutes later, he approached me again. I gave the same paraphrased responses again.

He came up every 15 minutes for an hour, and then changed to 5 minutely interruptions. He was getting more agitated and so was I. Every time he approached me, I was delayed in doing something which could have sped up the overall system and helped his daughter be seen faster. I explained this to him as kindly as I could- but knew I was developing an edge in my tone, and could see that he was livid as he stormed off.

I should mention that he was on crutches. He came up a few minutes later, and just started bellowing at me. Security were coming up behind him and I was at my wits end. He started shouted threats of physical violence towards me and said he was going to wait for me in the carpark. I knew this was the wrong thing to say, but lost my filter and responded  ‘Oh, and what are you going to do? Throw your crutches at me?!’ 

His face turned bright red and he lunged towards me- and security grabbed him and dragged him out of the hospital. They told him if he tried to come back in they would call the police and have him removed from the premises. His daughter still had her Mum with her, so was not alone. My exasperation and frustration turned into embarrassment as he shouted all the way out of the ED. I knew I had done the wrong thing. A little effort in de-escalating him (skills I did have) would have had a very different outcome for both of us. I took the low road. He was trying to advocate for his daughter in the best way he knew how.

I felt embarrassed about this for a very long time, and vowed to myself that if I ever saw him again I would apologise for that night.

Providence smiled on me seven years later. I was working as the shift co-ordinator in another ED. When I started my shift I saw him. Sitting next to his daughter  who was in the hospital bed. As soon as he saw me he started to get agitated. He went from sitting to standing to pacing up and down the corridor outside the beds. The told the nurse who was looking after his daughter that he had once been kicked out of a hospital due to aggression, and she mentioned it to me. I told her I knew- and the background story, and said that this was my opportunity to make it right.

I walked towards his daughters bed, and he went outside for a cigarette. I waited for him to walk back into the ED, and touched his shoulder as he walked back inside. I didn’t know how this would go, and I felt impending dread and embarrassment;  but I couldn’t live on knowing I chickened out of an opportunity to try to repair this.

‘Hi’ I said.

He just looked at me.

‘I just wanted to come over and talk to you. You mentioned to the nurse looking after your daughter that you were removed from an ED in the past because of aggression.’

‘Yeah, so?’

‘So, I am not sure if you remember me…’

He interrupted ‘No, I have never seen you before in my life’.

Me- ‘well I was there. I was the nurse you were speaking to. It was seven years ago and I have thought about it thousands of times since then. Your daughter was sick so you brought her in for assessment and we were busy. I recognise her and I recognise you. You were trying to be a good Dad by advocating for your daughter, and I was co-ordinating the shift and very busy. I did the wrong thing. When you came up looking for assistance I antagonised you.

There is nothing I regret more in my life, and I always said to myself that if I saw you again, I would apologise. I know it doesn’t fix what I said back then, but at least you will know how bad I have felt because of it. I know I was a jerk to you, and I am so sorry. If I could go back in time, I would not be like that. And I have never said or done anything like that since. Please accept my apology.’

Him- ‘Like I said, I don’t recognise you’.

He went back to his daughters bedside.  I went back to the nurses station. 

I looked over and I could see him kneeling at her bedside and saying some sort of prayer (his hands were clasped, his eyes were closed, his head was bowed). I am not sure what it was in relation to, but after that, he sat calmly at her bedside, there was no pacing and no discernable evidence of agitation. I don’t know if he genuinely didn’t recognise me, but I do feel forgiven, and I don’t feel like we have unfinished business. I am very grateful to have been given an opportunity to gain closure on that situation.

Taking inspiration from Jocko Willink, Elton John, Brene Brown and Oscar Wilde, I do feel hesitant to share this post. This was me at my worst. But experiencing the horrid feelings after taking this action have ensured that I never repeat this situation. And also, because I know that I have gone to this point- I can understand when others do. A snapshot in time is not indicative of who we are in totality. I keep this in mind when human issues come up at work- another way this event has shaped my thinking.

So I have learnt a lot from this- thankyou Darth Tracy for these lessons. If you reflect on your dark side, you will know that you do have learning from these events.  But also that part of you is trying to get something, and the dark side uses strategies which only consider the short term effects. In my case, Darth Tracy was wanting to get rid of the perceived barrier to me effectively doing my job. And it was a successful strategy- he was removed. Only afterwards did I remember that caring for him was a part of my job too, and the long term consequence was years of regret.

None of us are perfect. We are all human.  We are all learning. And sharing that is important.

I hope that sharing this experience from my past contributes in some way to you. I know I have learnt a lot from the inspirations for this post. I would love to see some of your Darth stories (and what you learnt from them) if you are game.