Daring Greatly
Brené Brown (2012).?Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead.?Avery – Penguin Random House : New York
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1?The phrase Daring Greatly is from Theodore Roosevelt … “Citizenship in a Republic.” … “The Man in the Arena,” … 1910
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2?we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen
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5?“… vulnerability … It’s an exquisite emotion.”
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8?Social work is all about leaning into the discomfort of ambiguity and uncertainty, and holding open an empathic space so people can find their own way.?It a word – messy
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8?“If you can’t measure it, it doesn’t exist.”
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8?We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives
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8?We humans have a tendency to define things by what they are not
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9-10?ten “guideposts” for Wholehearted living … Authenticity … Self-Compassion … a Resilient Spirit … Gratitude and Joy … Intuition and Trusting Faith … Creativity … Play and Rest … Calm and Stillness … Meaningful Work … Laughter, Song, and Dance
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10-11?the five most important themes … of … Wholehearted living … 1 … We’re hardwired for connection … 2 … believe they are worthy of love and belonging … 3 … our worthiness … [is] cultivated … 4 … living a life defined by courage, compassion, and connection … 5 … the willingness to be vulnerable emerged as the single clearest value shared by all of the … Wholehearted
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12?Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences
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12?pedantic
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15?a business book … a parenting book … a book for teachers
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15?The most significant problems … stem from disengagement, the lack of feedback, the fear of staying relevant amid rapid change, and the need for clarity of purpose … we have to rehumanize work … When failure is not an option we can forget about learning, creativity, and innovation
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15?The real questions for parents should be: “Are you engaged??Are you paying attention?” … Perfection doesn’t exist
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16?What we know matters, but who we are matters more
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19?“You can’t swing a cat without hitting a narcissist.” … the swinging-cat expression … has nothing to do with animals.?It’s actually a British Navy reference to the difficulty of using a cat-o’-nine-tails in the tight quarters of a ship
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20?Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell, authors of the book The Narcissism Epidemic, argue that the incidence of narcissistic personality disorder has more than doubled in the United States in the last ten years
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26?Scarcity is the “never enough” problem
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28?three components of scarcity and how they influence culture … Shame … Comparison … Disengagement
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29?The opposite of scarcity is enough, or … Wholeheartedness
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33?MYTH #1: “VULNERABILITY IS WEAKNESS.”?… Vulnerability isn’t good or bad … Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings
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34?I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure
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34?anger … is a secondary emotion
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37?Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage
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41?We love seeing raw truth and openness in other people, but we’re afraid to let them see it in us
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42?“What’s worth doing even if I fail?”
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43?MYTH #2: “I DON’T DO VULNERABILITY”
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43?To be alive is to be vulnerable – Madeleine L’Engle
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43?MYTH #3:?VULNERABILITY IS LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT
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44?Vulnerability without boundaries leads to disconnection, distrust, and disengagement
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47?a chicken-or-the-egg issue: We need to feel trust to be vulnerable and we need to be vulnerable in order to trust
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47?“the Marble Jar.”
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51-52?If I had to choose the form of betrayal that emerged most frequently from my research and that was the most dangerous in terms of corroding the trust connection, I would say disengagement
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52?Like trust, most experiences of betrayal happen slowly, one marble at a time
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53?MYTH #4:?WE CAN GO IT ALONE
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53-54?“Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart …”
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56?it never dawned on me … that I could be loved for my vulnerabilities, not despite them
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61?shame stops us from being vulnerable and connected
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61?Harry Potter … Sirius Black … “… We’ve all got both light and dark inside us.?What matters is the part we choose to act on.?That’s who we really are.”
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62?vulnerability and love are the truest marks of courage
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64?if you attach your self-worth to your art or your product … You’re … a prisoner of “pleasing, performing, and perfecting.”
????With an awareness of shame and strong shame resilience skills … You still want folks to like, respect, and even admire what you’ve created, but your self-worth is not on the table
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65?Peter Sheahan … If you want a culture of creativity and innovation … start by developing the ability of managers to cultivate an openness to vulnerability in their teams
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66-67?“What are the gremlins saying?” … Sometimes when we dare to walk into the arena the greatest critic we face is ourselves
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68?The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection
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69?Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging
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71-74?vocabulary … embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, and shame … Guilt = I did something bad.?Shame = I am bad … Guilt is just as powerful as shame, but its influence is positive, while shame’s is destructive … Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying.?Researchers don’t find shame correlated with positive outcomes at all – there are no data to support that shame is a helpful compass for good behavior … Donald Klein … “People believe they deserve their shame; they do not believe they deserve their humiliation.” … Humiliation … is … better than shame … Embarrassment is the least serious of the four emotions.?It’s normally fleeting and it can eventually be funny
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74-75?The answer is shame resilience … Shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy – the real antidote to shame … shame is a social concept – it happens between people – it also heals best between people … Self-compassion is key
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76?In his book Incognito … David Eagleman describes the brain as a “team of rivals.” … reason and emotion … both parties are battling to control one output – behavior
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80?Carl Jung … “I am not what has happened to me.?I am what I choose to become.”
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81?Empathy is a strange and powerful thing.?There is no script
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82?secret keeping … James Pennebaker and his colleagues studied what happened when trauma survivors – specifically rape and incest survivors – kept their experiences secret.?The research team found that the act of not discussing a traumatic event or confiding it to another person could be more damaging than the actual event … In his book Writing to Heal, Pennebaker writes, “… an increasing number of studies have focused on the value of expressive writing as a way to bring about healing …”
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85?men and women are equally affected by shame
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86-87?the primary trigger for women … not being thin, young, and beautiful enough … motherhood is a close second … expected … to be perfect
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88?Marilyn Frye describes a double bind as “a situation in which options are very limited and all of them expose us to penalty, censure, or deprivation.”
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89?“being feminine”
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92-93?men … Do not be perceived as weak … “Don’t be a pussy.” … “Don’t be weak.”
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95-96?Joe Reynolds … “Men know what women really want. ?They want us to pretend to be vulnerable.?We get really good at pretending.”
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96?Covert shame hurts just as much as overt shame
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98?We are hard on others because we’re hard on ourselves
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99?research tells us that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame
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102-103?men feeling vulnerable about sex … “… sex is terrifying for most men …”
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105?shaming someone we love around vulnerability is the most serious of all security breaches.?Even if we apologize, we’ve done serious damage because we’ve demonstrated our willingness to use sacred information as a weapon
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106?we can only love others as much as we love ourselves
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107?the messages and expectations that drive shame are organized by gender
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108?we have to question the intentions of any group that insists on disdain toward other people as a membership requirement
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110-111?The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams … “… once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
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113?The word persona is the Greek term for “stage mask.” … paradox … Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you
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116?the core of every strategy illuminated by the research participants for freeing themselves from their armor:
-????????I am enough (worthiness versus shame).
-????????I’ve had enough (boundaries versus one-uping and comparison).
-????????Showing up, taking risks, and letting myself be seen is enough (engagement versus disengagement)
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117?three forms of shielding … “common vulnerability arsenal” … foreboding joy … perfectionism … numbing
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118?when we lose the ability or willingness to be vulnerable, joy becomes something we approach with deep foreboding
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118?We’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.?That expression originated in the early 1900s, when new immigrants and people flooding to the cities were crammed into tenement housing where you could literally hear your upstairs neighbor taking off his shoes at night
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121?foreboding joy … “perpetual disappointment.”
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123?Gratitude … emerged from the data as the antidote to foreboding joy … a clear distinction between happiness and joy … happiness … an emotion that’s connected to circumstance … joy … a spiritual way of engaging with the world that’s connected to practicing gratitude
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124?tangible gratitude practices
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125-126?Joy comes to us in … ordinary moments … Be grateful for what you have … Don’t squander joy
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128?Is perfectionism an issue for you??If so, what’s one of your strategies for managing it??… Perfectionism is not the path that leads us to our gifts and to our sense of purpose
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128-130?Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence … Perfectionism is not self-improvement … research shows that perfectionism hampers achievement … Perfectionism is a form of shame … Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system
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131?Kristin Neff … self-compassion has three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness
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135?perfectionism crushes creativity … one of the most effective ways to start recovering from perfection is to start creating
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137?one of the most universal numbing strategies is what I call crazy-busy
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138?the?… leading cause of accidental death in the United States … Drug overdoses … prescription drug overdoses
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140?Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver … “We believe that the most terrifying and destructive feeling that a person can experience is psychological isolation …”
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142?Wholehearted men and women … explained that reducing anxiety meant paying attention to how much they could do and how much was too much, and learning to say, “Enough.”
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142?Jeremy Bentham … said, ‘There are two types of people in the world, those who divide people into two types, and those who do not.’?
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143?Group A defined the challenge of anxiety as finding ways to manage and soothe the anxiety, while Group B clearly defined the problem as changing the behaviors that led to anxiety … Don’t text or e-mail.?Call.?Better yet, stop by my office
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145?If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging
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145?definitions of connection and belonging
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146?Jennifer Louden … book The Life Organizer … “Shadow comforts can take any form.?It’s not what you do; it’s why you do it that makes the difference …”
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154?Lawyers … a profession largely trained in win or lose, succeed or fail … The American Bar Association reports that suicides among lawyers are close to four times greater than the rate of the general population
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156?the most effective way to impact a veteran’s life is through a meaningful relationship with someone in their community
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161?using vulnerability is not the same this as being vulnerable; it’s the opposite … oversharing
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162?Sharing yourself to teach or move a process forward can be healthy and effective, but disclosing information as a way to work through your personal stuff is inappropriate and unethical
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163?the second form of oversharing is all about using vulnerability as a manipulation tool … attention seeking
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167?cynicism, criticism, cruelty, and cool
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169?“Cruelty is cheap, easy, and chicken-shit.”
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171?Scott Stratten … “Don’t try to win over the haters; you’re not the jackass whisperer.”
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172?We don’t have to be perfect, just engaged and committed to aligning values with action
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173?“Mind the Gap” first appeared in 1969 on the London Underground
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173?the relationship between strategy and culture … strategy .. “the game plan,” … Culture … who we are
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174?Terrence Deal and Allan Kennedy … “Culture is the way we do things around here,” … Peter Drucker: “Culture eats strategy for breakfast.”
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175?[to] understand the culture … surface the discrepancies between “what we say” and “what we do,”
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176?Disengagement is the issue underlying the majority of problems
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177?We can’t give people what we don’t have.?Who we are matters immeasurably more than what we know or who we want to be.
????The space between our practiced values (what we’re actually doing, thinking, and feeling) and our aspirational values (what we want to be, think, and feel) is the value gap … “the disengagement divide.”
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185?a leader is anyone who holds her- or himself accountable for finding potential in people and processes
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188?Rehumanizing work and education requires courageous leadership
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190?The Workplace Bullying Institute (WBI) defines bullying as “Repeated mistreatment: sabotage by others that prevented work from getting done, verbal abuse, threatening conduct, intimidation, and humiliation.”
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191?shaming someone who’s using shame is not helpful.?But doing nothing is equally dangerous
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192?disengagement allows people to rationalize all kinds of unethical behavior
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194?“… teaching is about love … creating an atmosphere of mystery and imagination and discovery …”
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195?There’s nothing productive about blame
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196?We won’t solve the complex issues that we’re facing today without creativity, innovation, and engaged learning
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197?Without feedback there can be no transformative change … Disengagement follows
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198?People are desperate for feedback – we all want to grow.?We just need to learn how to give feedback in a way that inspires growth and engagement … “… growth and learning are uncomfortable … it’s normal and it’s an expectation here …”
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199?“If you’re comfortable, I’m not teaching and you’re not learning.?It’s going to get uncomfortable in here and that’s okay.?It’s normal and it’s part of the process.”
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209?Christine Day … shift from “having the best idea or problem solving” to “being the best leader of people.”
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211?Seth Godin writes, “Leadership is scarce because few people are willing to go through the discomfort required to lead …”
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214?“Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?”
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215?certainty often breeds absolutes, intolerance, and judgment
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216?there is no such thing as perfect parenting and there are no guarantees … Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting
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217?Joseph Chilton Pearce writes, “What we are teaches the child more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.”
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219?if we want our children to love and accept who they are, our job is to love and accept who we are
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220?Wholehearted parenting is not having it all figured out and passing it down – it’s learning and exploring together
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223?Toni Morrison … “Let your face speak what’s in your heart.?When they walk in the room my face says I’m glad to see them.?It’s just as small as that, you see?”
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224?we need to separate our children from their behaviors … there’s a significant difference between you are bad and you did something bad
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226?… when children understand the distinction between shame and guilt …
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229-230?You can’t claim to care about the welfare of children if you’re shaming other parents for the choices they’re making
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231-232?fitting in and belonging are not the same thing … Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted.?Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are
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233?belonging – to know that we’re a part of something, not despite our vulnerabilities, but because of them
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238?What do parents experience as the most vulnerable and bravest thing that they do in their efforts to raise Wholehearted children? … the answer … letting their children struggle and experience adversity
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239?Hope is a function of struggle.?If we want our children to develop high levels of hopefulness, we have to let them struggle
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239?C.R. Snyder … hope isn’t an emotion; it’s a way of thinking or a cognitive process … hope is … made up of … a trilogy of goals, pathways, and agency
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240?Hope is learned!
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243?“Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up.”
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248?Daring greatly is not about winning or losing.?It’s about courage