Dare to Be Difficult: The Power of Listening and Speaking

"If I speak, I am condemned. If I stay silent, I am damned."

Who am I?"

This question, posed in Les Misérables, echoes through generations, resonating particularly strongly for women. As we park International Women's Day for a year, it is important to remain mindful of the nuances of communication, the power of listening, and the courage it takes to speak out as a woman.

Who am I allowed to be?

As an independent female entrepreneur, one of my missions is to normalise conversations around topics that others shy away from. That's not easy. It often leads to receiving labels like 'difficult,' a term that has a long history of being applied to outspoken women. Even Google's dictionary results label the lady, 'Lily,' as difficult. Poor Lily.

However, being difficult isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it often means challenging the status quo, speaking uncomfortable truths, and pushing boundaries. Doing so often facilitates progress.

On the Shoulders of Ireland's Pirate Queen

Gráinne Mhaol, or Grace O'Malley to the English-speaking world, is remembered with pride in Ireland as one of our greatest Chieftains of land and sea. She was given the surname, or nickname, ‘Mhaol,’ as the story goes, because she was forced to conform to be accepted onto her father’s ship. Having repeatedly been told she could not board the ships because her long locks of hair would get caught in the ropes, she shaved them off.

‘Mhaol’ means ‘bald’ in Irish. ‘Bald Gráinne.’

She was also ‘bold.’ And it was her boldness that made her one of the most legendary and inspirational Irish women whose shoulders I am lucky to stand on.

Gráinne Mhaol dared to be difficult. So difficult in fact, that Irish 'historians' wrote her out of our history. They wanted to prime people to hear Irish women in a particular way.

What do you mean 'prime to hear?'

"Black and...."

What did your brain say?

"Blanco y...."

Now what did it say?

That depends on your English proficiency, and how much knowledge you have of Spanish. They're what we call 'binomials.' Two words linked together, usually by /and/, and said to be irreversible.

Prediction Machine

Our brains are primed, prediction machines . English speakers say, “black and white.” Spanish speakers say "blanco y negro" (white and black). They mean the same thing, but the binomial is reversed. Our brains predict the endings depending on how they're primed.

Primed and Ready

We have a saying in English, “primed and ready.” It indicates when someone or something is prepared for immediate use. A coat of primer is applied to crashed cars to prepare them for spraying.

Anything that’s primed is prepared for what’s to come. The brain is no different. Your brain is primed to hear and, unless you’re one of the 3.9% of people with aphantasia , to see things in a particular way.

When we learn a language, our brain is primed to hear that language in a particular way. When we learn the customs and traditions of a particular culture, our brain is primed to perceive the world in a particular way.

Por Ejemplo - For Example - Mar Shampla (Irish)

What does that finger movement mean?

To an English speaker, it may represent a hook. When I lived in China, not understanding that finger bend led to a server in a restaurant thinking I wasn’t going to pay for my meal. To a Mandarin speaker, it’s the number 9. Despite all the research I’d done, I'd missed out on the fact that in China, they count to 10 on one hand. My brain got primed differently that day.

Listening vs. Hearing: Bridging the Gap

Has anyone ever said to you,

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you,”

while checking their phone as you spoke, prompting you to want to reply,

“Eh, no, you weren’t listening.”

Hearing happens, whether you want it to or not, provided you have the operational capacity to hear. Listening is an active process.

This blog post explained it perfectly:

"un ruido por sorpresa - gritos, una detonación o un portazo- no se escucha, sino que se oye."

"a surprise noise - screams, a bang or a door slamming - is not listened to, but is heard."

Listening requires not only hearing sounds, but actively intending to understand the emotions, nuances, and motivations behind the words shaped by them. It's about engaging fully with the speaker, both verbally, non-verbally and energetically.

In today's fast-paced world genuinely listening can be difficult. We're often so preoccupied by our thoughts or devices that we fail to truly tune in to others. But effective communication hinges on our ability to listen actively and empathetically. We must become aware of how we're primed to hear and when it's necessary to 'apply a fresh coat.'

Challenges for Women in Communication

For women, the challenge of being heard is compounded by societal expectations and gender biases. We're often taught to soften our voices, to avoid being perceived as too assertive or aggressive. When we do speak out, we're frequently met with skepticism, rolled eyes, or outright dismissal.

"She's difficult, that one."

I've experienced this firsthand, from the frustration of my messages going unheard to the self-doubt that creeps in when faced with a lack of engagement. Women, like Gráinne did, constantly battle against ingrained stereotypes and unconscious biases.

Wait! Men Suffer Too.

They do. Men’s voices are subject to judgement as well. Was there ever a better advertisement than this to demonstrate it?

Good Girls Go to Heaven

I was raised to be a 'good girl,' to avoid upsetting others, to be fair and measured. I am generally very careful to balance what I say, so I don't come across as staunchly feminist and oust the very patriarchy we need to stand beside us in allyship if we have any hope of being listened to. But in all honesty, I am beginning to feel the ends of my rope fraying and my "Jolly Roger" rise.

"I like the controversial stuff you face head on."

wrote a regular podcast listener and content supporter - a male - last week.

"Keep being you and be proud of what you bring to the world."

he continued.

That's allyship - and it's important.

All For Allyship

We need the support of men. We need to support each other - men and women; women and women; gender neutral and any other identity a person chooses to adopt.

We also need to recognise that men do not have to make as many intentional adaptations to be heard and listened to as women. We moreover must be careful not to make male allies heroes and roll our eyes at the women who speak out.

Playing fields aren't ever completely level, but we can flatten them out enough to run on without tripping. That means creating space for diverse voices, and dismantling the barriers that hold women back. It means learning to hear differently and listen with deeper intent.

Embracing 'Discomfortable' Discovery

As we push out of International Women's Day, I urge women everywhere to embrace their voices, to dare to be difficult, and to lean into 'discomfortable' discovery. I urge men to challenge their ears to listen beyond what they've been primed to hear.

Every moment of discomfort precedes an instance of discovery. That’s the zone I want to be in – what I call the “Zone of Discomfortable Discovery” – the place in a gravitational wave that contracts just before a massive expansion. The sick feeling before we do something scary that anticipates the thrill of success. The keenness before a first kiss followed by the rewarding feeling of not having slobbered all over the person. Yes, it may be difficult – but in difficulty is also where growth, change, and innovation occur.

Change the Connotation

Dare to be 'difficult', but let's change the connotation of the word. When something is difficult, it requires effort or skill to accomplish. It is challenging. Challenge creates discomfort.

If Gráinne hadn’t dared to be difficult; if the countless thousands of women throughout history who fought for the vote, for positions on boards, in organisational operations, in politics, science and aeronautics hadn’t dared to be difficult, women would still be getting sectioned and housed in asylums because they didn’t conform to the opinions and demands of their husbands.

Cultural Cultivation

I could write 10 tips that you've read 100 times and will read 1000 more without doing anything about it. Articles abound with AI advice on providing training and encouraging empathy and understanding. Instead, let's help you act.

1. Stop complicating differences.
2. Start searching for similarities.
3. Explore listening across cultures.
4. Accept alternative approaches.
5. Understand that everyone is primed unequally - and that that's what makes them unique.

Simplistically Complicated

The five steps above are simple to do, but less so to do well. I've had learners in classes run out in panic when I started talking about crime because they'd been mugged at gunpoint a week before. Cultural tact is important.

Listen to this week's podcast episode for guidance on how to manage an exercise on explorative listening. By all means, try it out. But if you've never done it before, then hire me to help you. It’s a delicate dance knowing what to ask, how to ask it, when to push and when to pull. You can damage a person or a group if it’s not done right.

In Zulu, 'hello' is "Sawubona."

It means: I see you.

I hear you too, and I choose to listen past how I hear.

In 2024, dare to be difficult - dare to discover – and in doing so, you will help create a world where all voices are heard, respected, and valued.

In the comments, please do share whether or not you are willing to dare.

#connectedcommunication #culturalintelligence #IWD24