Dare to Be Brave: Free Yourself from Social Masks and Emotional Armor

In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown writes, “As children, we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished and disappointed. We put on armor, we used our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear. Now as adults, we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection – to be the person whom we long to be- we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapon, show up, and let ourselves be seen.”

Social Masks and Emotional Armor

I can look back and identify the times in my life when I lived uninhibited and embraced life wholeheartedly and other times when I felt it necessary to protect myself with social masks and emotional armor.

The insights I gained by reflecting on my life from these two vantage points helped me to realize that the most satisfying success I’ve experienced so far in my personal and professional life has come during those periods when I am actively engaged with living life wholeheartedly, and free of society’s preconceived notions about what is and isn't acceptable

From the energy I embodied which defined how I show up in the world, to the people and opportunities that suddenly begin to show up in my life, to new experiences that allow me to expand my consciousness and faith in the possibility of new possibilities when I am embracing life wholeheartedly, my soul feels free, awakened and my life experiences feels empowering to my soul.

I’m not saying that during these periods of my life, everything was perfect. In many cases, the conditions of my life were quite the opposite of perfect, yet, so often, I felt the most alive during these moments because they required me to stretch beyond my comfort zone, learn new stuff, and see myself from a more empowering perspective.

During these moments, I gave little thought to not being enough. I accepted the fact that there’s a learning curve for most things. As I continued to consistently apply what I was learning, tweaking my actions as necessary, I would eventually develop practices of execution that reflected my smarts, skills, and strengths.

Whereas, during periods of my life when I took on the persona of various social masks for the sole purpose of “pleasing and impressing people” and built walls around my heart because of unspoken emotional pain, I was unhappy, and a lot of the success I experienced was hollow. During those moments, I spent way too much energy and time concerned about seeking the approval of others versus deeming myself worthy because of my intrinsic value.

Yes, it’s important for each of us to feel valued, loved, and appreciated by others, however, I don’t believe our need for love and belonging should be to our own detriment. And, what I’ve learned from my life experiences is this, you and I have to first deem ourselves worthy of love and belonging before we can embody the fullness of that energy and begin to experience it whether we are alone or in a crowd. This level of embodiment helps us to express ourselves with a limitless mindset.

The love and support of others cause us to feel valued and appreciated. And, yes, this is important to our well-being. What I know for sure is this, there is a HUGE difference between having a confident knowing within yourself about your worthiness to be loved and feel connected THEN feeling that you are worthy of love and connection because other people say you are! The difference: one is within your control, and the other is not. What inspires your inner knowing about your worthiness? Share your thoughts in the comments.

False Notions about Masks & Emotional Armor

When we maintain the false notion that social masks and emotional armor protect us, we are less likely to embody and show up in the world expressing our authentic selves. This is detrimental to the seeds of greatness lying dormant in our potential. Most of the time, tapping into a greater measure of our potential requires vulnerability.

Once we’ve adapted and defined our way of being and living based on the social masks and emotional armor that disconnects us from having genuine connections with others, it becomes for us to lay aside the masks and emotional armor to be vulnerable.

At first, it may feel difficult which is why I suggest you start with someone you feel is "safe" to share your thoughts and feelings with. What I have learned is that it is always easier for me to be vulnerable when I feel secure in myself.

What I mean by this is, whenever I feel like I have control over my life, I accept and trust myself more. This sense of trust within myself tends to influence how vulnerable I'm willing to be and the social masks and emotional armor that I set aside.

I believe the more we trust ourselves and feel a strong sense of personal autonomy over our lives, we are more apt to demonstrate vulnerability because we feel safe within ourselves.

What are your thoughts? Share them in the comments below.

Common Vulnerability Arsenal

In her research, Brown found that there are three common forms of shielding that we incorporate into our personal armor in some way. They include:

1. Foreboding joy, or the paradoxical dread that clamps down on momentary joyfulness.

The shield of foreboding joy is reflected in those moments when you:

1. Find yourself talking yourself out of fully enjoying a moment because you’re afraid that your joy won’t last.

2. Living your life expecting the worst so that if it happens, you feel prepared and if it doesn’t, you feel pleasantly surprised.

Brené Brown writes, “The reason we forebode joy and aren’t able to embrace our present moments is that “we don’t want to be blindsided by hurt. We don’t want to be caught off-guard, so we literally practice being devastated or never move from self-elected disappointment.”

Happiness is an emotion that’s connected to circumstances whereas joy is a spiritual way of engaging life with gratitude. A daily gratitude practice is an antidote to foreboding joy because it helps you develop and cultivate a state of mind that believes that there’s enough and that you’re enough.

3. Perfectionism, or believing that doing everything perfectly means that we’ll never feel shame.

The shield of perfectionism is reflected in these moments:

1. We hide our flaws and create campaigns to manage people’s perceptions because we want to win them over.

2. We’re constantly hustling for more attention and approval from others.

Perfectionism is not the following:

1. It is not the same as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.

2. It is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is all about earning the approval of others.

3. Perfectionism is not the key to success. In fact, research shows that perfectionism hampers achievement. Perfectionism is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and paralysis-analysis or missed opportunities.

4. Perfectionism is not a way to avoid shame. It is a form of shame. Where we struggle with perfectionism, we struggle with shame.

5. Numbing, the embrace of whatever deadens the pain of discomfort and pain.

Brown writes, “To claim the truths about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, we have to be willing to give ourselves a break and appreciate the beauty of our cracks or imperfections.”

Appreciating and accepting our imperfections requires that we develop a practice of self-compassion toward ourselves. Remember, empathy is the antidote to shame. And as we appreciate the fact that we can be imperfectly perfect and love ourselves for being so, we begin to rid ourselves of all the hustle required to strive to be perfect.

Brown shares, “We are a culture of people who’ve bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us.”

All of us numb our feelings to some degree. Staying crazy-busy is one of the strategies we use to avoid our truth and mask our vulnerability.

Other Common numbing tactics include:

1. Illegal legal drugs

2. Alcohol

3. Sixty to eighty-hour workweeks

4. Prescription pills

5. Calendar filled with activities

6. No space in your calendar for rest, reflection, and quiet time

7. Habitual use of social media

In her book, The Life Organizer author and personal growth teacher Jennifer Louden have named our numbing devices “shadow comforts.” When we’re anxious, disconnected, vulnerable, alone, and feeling helpless, the booze and food and work and endless hours online feel like comfort, but in reality, they’re only casting their long shadows over our lives.

She writes, “Shadow comforts can take any form. It’s not what you do; it's why you do it that makes the difference. You can eat a piece of chocolate as a holy wafer of sweetness-a real comfort or you can cram an entire chocolate bar into your mouth without even tasting it in a frantic attempt to soothe yourself-a shadow comfort. You can chat on message boards for half an hour and be energized by the community and ready to go back to work, or you can chat on message boards because you’re avoiding talking to your partner about how angry he or she made you last night.”

This particular shield resonates strongly with me because it was once my go-to solution for facing challenging circumstances and adversities without being side-tracked by my feelings. This is definitely a tactic I learned during my childhood. It was not until the unexpected death of my son and the aftermath that occurred in my life as a result of my numbing tendency that I knew that I had to learn a healthy way to process my emotions and feelings.

When I began to practice mindfulness and embrace a meditation practice, it was a Godsend. This practice continues to strengthen me from within by helping me to see that I can allow and accept what I feel without judgment. This is one of the most radical self-love practices that I know which is why I share it often. This practice and technique have helped me to elevate my capacity to manage my emotions and feelings without numbing and dismissing my emotions.

I say that to say this, I’m not of the belief that because I feel something that means what I feel is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And depending on the intensity of the energy of an emotion, it can feel overwhelming sometimes, as if we aren’t in control of our feelings.

Many times when I feel this way, I revert to numbing my feeling until I’m able to get a handle on the energy and story triggering the emotion. I don’t hit a home run all the time. Nevertheless, because I consider myself a recovering master of numbing my emotions, it is still somewhat easy for me to revert to this tactic when necessary.

In either case, if you find yourself engaging in numbing tactics that are clearly detrimental to your state of being, it’s important that you seek out additional knowledge and support that will help you develop healthier ways of coping with your emotions.

Personally, the daily practice of feeding my spirit with God’s word, reading and listening to inspirational messages, my walking meditation and mindfulness practices, and, on most days, my interactions with diverse people help me to cultivate the courage to live wholeheartedly.

In Conclusion

Brown writes, “The most powerful moments of our lives happen when we string together the small flickers of light created by courage, compassion, and connection and see them shine in the darkness of our struggles.”

Daring to be brave requires each of us to embrace vulnerability. On the surface, this may feel scary, especially if we are accustomed to embracing the unknown to manifest new possibilities in our lives. Developing the willingness to be vulnerable can become a habit the more we practice it.

Those moments when we have chosen to be vulnerable are often the moments in our lives when we feel more connected to our truth and to the truth of others. Vulnerability is a way for us to expand our capacity to express the essence of our soul in all of its creative and vibrant ways.

I believe that as we embrace vulnerability with a posture of embodying and expressing a liberating love toward ourselves and others, we begin to unlock the invisible chains that have boxed us into living a life below our potential and power.

I believe the more we are willing to embrace vulnerability in appropriate ways that demonstrate respect for others, it helps to cultivate a fierce faith in our worthiness, value, and capability

The stronger our faith is in ourselves, the more apt we are to trust that we can embrace the unknown to manifest new possibilities in our lives.

We can slay the giants that seemed to have delayed our ability to own the power within us to be our best selves and create new realities in our lives.

This is a part of the vision and purpose of my training and coaching programs as a Soulful Success Strategist.

Change is unfolding in my life.

In the next 90 days, I'll be relocating from my hometown of Columbia, SC to Savannah, Georgia. I'll more than likely end up living in Pooler GA in Chatham County which is 15 minutes from Savannah, GA.

Because of the preparations necessary for my move and the changes I'm making in my virtual training programs, this newsletter will be published on Fridays at 12 noon EST starting next week. This is the last time I will change the publishing date for this newsletter.

Reflect

In the upcoming week, begin to become aware of those moments during your everyday life when you feel a need to shield yourself with a social mask or emotional armor.

If you are genuinely interested in living wholeheartedly, you will have to be brave enough to begin the process of excavating the stories, beliefs, opinions, and assumptions shaping your tendency to shield or dismiss your emotions.

This practice will lead to you becoming self-aware and feeling empowered as you embody more of your innate worthiness.

Respond

What value did you gain from this article? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Share them in the comments below.

Share

Who do you know would benefit from this article? Share it with them and be a blessing to them.

And, what topics are you interested in learning about? DM with your suggestions for future newsletter topics.

Thank you for taking the time to read this article. I appreciate YOU!

Success Becomes You.

Jackie B!

* Correction Notice

When I initially published this article, the dates for when registration opens for my upcoming virtual training programs were incorrect.

Correction: Registration for the Empowered Soul Masterclass opens Monday, February 20, 2022.

The Empowered Soul Masterclass? will inspire you to believe in the mighty powers within you to become the highest version of yourself. It will equip you to redefine your possible, and find your brave to show up, shine and succeed against any odds.

The upcoming masterclass takes place on Saturday, March 11, 2023, from 11 am - 3 pm ET. Investment: $ 117.

Find out more and register for this masterclass here.

Correction: Registration for Get Noticed, Get Promoted: The Blueprint opens Friday, February 24, 2023.

This is a nine-hour virtual training & coaching program conducted over a two-week span on Tuesdays from 6 pm - 9 pm EST on March 21, and 28, 2023. Investment: $167.

You'll be able to find out more and register for these upcoming training programs on the above dates or afterward here.

P.S. You can find out more about my work and contact me about a speaker opportunity by clicking here.

Sources:

Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly. USA. Penguin Group. 2012.

Louden, Jennifer. The Life Organizer. China. New World Library. 2014.