The Dangers Of Performative Vulnerability & Empathy For Leaders

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We all know what it feels like to be vulnerable…it’s uncomfortable not just emotionally but also physically. In fact, every CEO I interviewed me that vulnerability doesn’t feel good.

One CEO of a large agriculture company (who asked to be anonymous for this quote) that I interviewed for my new book, Leading With Vulnerability told me that when the following when he feels vulnerable.

“I can feel that I’m in fight or flight mode, my heart beats faster and my stomach is in knots. It almost feels like a panic attack which I have had a few times.

It turns out then when we are vulnerable, it produces a stress response via the release of adrenaline and cortisol making us uncomfortable.

However, people on the receiving end of your vulnerable ALSO experience something.

Dr. Love aka Paul Zal is a professor of Economic Sciences, Psychology & Management and Director at the Center for Neuroeconomics Studies at Claremont Graduate University.

He’s one of the many researchers and psychologists that I interviewed for my new book, Leading With Vulnerability.

Dr. Zak has been studying vulnerability, empathy, trustworthiness, on a scientific level for a long time. He looks not just at the emotional responses but the chemical responses in our brains and bodies via extensive blood testing.

According to Dr. Zak people on the receiving end of your vulnerability see your vulnerability as a sign of trust and their brains get a dose of oxytocin which causes three crucial things to happen.

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First, it causes a reduction in physiological stress, meaning people become more comfortable around you because you let your guard down. This is crucial especially in leadership where we need people to be comfortable around leaders to share ideas, opportunities, struggles, and to have tough and uncomfortable conversations.

Second, the dose of oxytocin increases empathy in people which allows them to become more physiologically connected to you.

The third result of that hit of oxytocin is that it creates a desire for the other person to put in effort to help you even if this means they can’t help you directly (for example introducing you to someone else who can help you).

There are some cunning and manipulative leaders out there who might be thinking, “this is fantastic, I can just fake vulnerability and empathy to create connection and get people to work harder!”

If you find yourself thinking that, a word of caution for you…you can’t take it.

According to Dr. Zak when you fake vulnerability we can tell, not always on a conscious level, but on a subconscious level. It turns out that our brains are pretty amazing bullsh*t indicators. To make matters even worse, when people try to fake vulnerability, they actually get a negative physiological response via the release of epinephrine. The faker is afraid of being found out. The only time this negative response doesn’t happen is if the person is a sociopath.

Sal A. Abbate is the CEO of Veritiv, a 6,000-person company that provides packaging, janitorial and sanitation, and hygiene products, services, and solutions. He had an awkward experience with a leader earlier in his career who tried to fake vulnerability and it was very obvious to everyone on the team that he wasn’t being authentic or genuine.?He probably read a book on vulnerability or saw a video and thought “great, I can cheat my way to connection.”

“I had a really tough and hard-nosed boss earlier in my career when I worked for a company in the transportation industry. I was a 19-year-old intern at the company and he called a few of us together into his office and then he started playing “Wind Beneath My Wings” by Bette Midler. He started telling us that we were the wind beneath his wings and we all just looked at each other and thought he was having some kind of a nervous breakdown. It was so out of his character and didn’t feel natural that we didn’t take it seriously and thought there was something wrong with him. This caused him more harm than good, we’d rather have the predictable guy who knew was going to kick us in the teeth because at least we knew that guy.”

Being vulnerable isn’t something you can just flip a switch to activate. As in Sal’s case, if as a leader you act in a way that doesn’t align with who your people think you are then it creates confusion. It takes time and communication to become a vulnerable leader.?

If you fake it, not only will you not make it, but you will actually undermine your credibility and erode trust in your abilities.

If you're a Chief Human Resources or Chief People Officer, then you can request to join a brand new community I put together called Future Of Work Leaders which focuses on the future of work and employee experience. Join leaders from Tractor Supply, Johnson & Johnson, Lego, Dow, Northrop Grumman and many others. We come together virtually each month and once a year in-person to tackle big themes that go beyond traditional HR.