Dangerous Love: Codependency

For those of you who weren’t able to join our Facebook Live event, we’ve pulled together a summary of our discussion on codependency with special guest, and dear friend, Caroline Smith (MA, LPC, CSAT-S, CMAT-S, CIP & EMDR Level lI).

For those who don’t know Caroline, she is a licensed clinician, EMDR trained, and a certified counselor who specializes in substance use disorder, codependency, and sex addiction. She is the Director of Pine Grove Family and Intensive Workshops. Her workshop topics include disordered attachment, codependency, and sex addiction. 

Codependency Is a False Sense of Doing the Right Thing

What breaks our hearts is watching a family that is so in love, but because one person is suffering with addiction and the other with codependency, they struggle over how to handle the addiction. Divorce is a common result.  

Caroline explained that codependency is a relationship addiction — one so severe that some clinicians believe it should be included within the American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) for Mental Disorders as “dependent personality disorder.” However, Caroline says, “It is a learned way to be in a relationship and it can be unlearned.” 

Codependency can be characterized as a person loving, or over-loving, a sick person — most commonly someone who suffers with substance use disorders. One of Caroline’s favorite acronyms to describe codependency is DENIAL: Don't Even Notice I Am Lying. The way the codependent person sees it is that they are loving, and the sick person needs their help. But the reality is that they are sick too — they are unhappy, and they suffer with tremendous guilt and anxiety. Key features of codependent behavior include:

• Having an overly exaggerated sense of responsibility for the loved one who is suffering 
• Fearing confrontation and rejection
• Feeling hurt when everything they do isn't appreciated
• Being unable to say no and mean it
• Doing everything they can to hold onto the person they are dependent upon 
• Having difficulty setting boundaries

Codependency Is a Learned Behavior That Can Be Changed

The codependent person needs support to change. Codependency is a learned behavior that can be changed, but if it isn’t, it will continue through the generations of the family. Caroline has worked with many clients whose loved one finally goes into treatment and they suffer withdrawal — the withdrawal of trying to micromanage their loved one’s life. They can have difficulty sleeping, trouble concentrating, and increased stress. Codependency mimics addiction in many ways: it’s chronic, it’s progressive, and it has life-changing consequences. 

How do we help a codependent person? Caroline says codependents often don’t care for themselves, so we need to start with support, then education. She recommends Codependents Anonymous and Al-anon as supportive, free fellowships. Also, working with interventionists is crucial because they can break through everyone’s denial — the codependent and the person with substance use disorder — and ensure the family is working together to get everyone the help they need. 

And remember Caroline’s favorite affirmation for codependents: “If I do what is best for me today, it will be best for everyone I love in the long run.”

Healing Families: Turning Addiction Into Recovery

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We are all on a mission to help people suffering with addiction and to help their families. Let's come together to help people find long-term solutions to recovery.

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