Dancing in the Streets: How to Communicate with Children

I recently read the following powerful short blog post: https://teachlikeachampion.com/blog/young-mother-supermarket-parking-lot/.

In sum, it describes a young child dancing in a parking lot and not listening to her mother about the dangers of her behavior. In the linked post, the author distinguishes between instructions to children that start with "don't" and those that start with "do." The mother was saying to her daughter (who was paying her no mind): "Don't dance dear." What if, the post's author posits (and wonders why he did not speak up), the mother had tried expressing her desire positively saying something akin to: "Hold my hand dear so you are closer to me."

The author observes, correctly in my view, that children (and I'd add adults) do better in terms of compliance and listening if we posit suggestions and "demands" in the positive as opposed to negative. In fact, negative instructions seem harsh and demeaning and stifling. "Don't dance" sounds to me like one is crushing creativity. I do get the mother's concern: dancing around in a parking lot is an invitation to disaster as cars pull in and out of parking spots.

I'd like to think that what the mother was really saying (if she self-reflected and with some distance) was: "Please dance next to me -- it is safer." Or, perhaps she was thinking: "I adore your dancing but please do it in a way that does not expose you getting hit by a crazy driver." Surely, in the moment, it is not always easy to remember to phrase something as a positive when one is fretting over an impending danger.

Reflect on classrooms and workplaces and our effort to get children or adults to perform more effectively. Posit a child who is coloring a pre-set image. Reflect on the teacher who says "Don't color outside the lines" with the teacher who says "see if you can color most of the time inside the lines." Now, I have a conceptual problem with the whole idea of "coloring inside the lines," but the point is that a positive approach is likely to achieve compliance and without a child feeling he/she did something wrong. After all, there is nothing seriously wrong with coloring outside the image or dancing in the streets.

In the workplace, ponder how to get employees to complete needed and boring time sheets or some other cumbersome but necessary paperwork. Suppose the supervisor sends an email that says, "Don't forget to complete X" or goes into the employee's office and says (depending on tone of voice too) "Don't forget to do the time sheets" or "Don't head home til you've completed this week's paperwork." Yes, the paperwork may get done but let's just say that the employee might not get a warm and fuzzy feeling. What if, instead of the above, the employer sent an email that said, "I hope you'll find time to complete those time sheets this week." Or, suppose the supervisor goes into the employee's office and says, "I know you're busy but I hope you can get to those cumbersome time sheets this week."

Ponder healthcare instructions. Do doctors get greater compliance by saying "Don't smoke" or saying, "Perhaps you can try this strategy to curb smoking?" Or, if a patient is overweight, a medical professional saying: "Don't eat these foods" might not meet with the same success as the person who says: "Let's look at foods you like that you can eat frequently to speed your weight loss."

I understand that both children and adults need to learn to accept criticism and improve their behavior or work output or activities in a prescribed arena. I get the absence of perfection. And, I appreciate we are not always sensitive in terms of how we express needs and desires. I am not suggesting we progress through time without rules or consequences or feedback.

What I am suggesting is that HOW we offer criticism matters. It matters buckets. We should want to be encouraging. We actually should want people dancing in the street -- they are energized and creative and bold. Why discourage that? So, when the offending behavior is not what is safe or right or timely, why not say something that is encouraging not discouraging, something that is positive not negative. The aftermath will be vastly better for all.

So, try thinking about talking to others without the word "don't" and with words like "I hope...." "I would welcome....," Please __________(active verb) if you would...." Bottom line here for parents, teachers and supervisors: enable dancing in the streets (literally and figuratively). We will all benefit.

Note: Special thanks yet again to MW. His stories of the workplace also influence my thinking and the role of leaders in nurturing success in others.