Dancing in the Dark

Shrouding in the pain of the past and the sorrows of the yesterday, I’ve hit a milestone today! Touching 1095 days of cocooning in an aura influenced by negativity only to find myself coming to light with a tinted voice to script a journey of disregard and disapproval. I hope what I’m about to tell you touches you with the same emotional intensity and depth that resides within me. May it not disturb your sentiments, as I do not wish to harm you in any sense.

Finding the words to speak to you make my hands tremble; I stammer for I am lost for words. To open up about my state of existence till now. As I sheltered within a shell, seeking solace in anonymity, I now quiver with the fear of aging out amidst a generation of eternals in ersatz as I begin to pen down my conscience. Yet, I find my determination in the loosing, as “Today” feels very comforting.

June 8th 2020

The day when darkness held on to my hands, wrapping its icy tendrils around me. In a time of relentless despair, love ceased to hold on to me. Instead, I forged a friendship with sadness, and the chains of grief replaced the promises of eternity, threatening to crush me at every turn. Like a dried twig falling of a tree, I fell the day when she left. Each day thereafter was an arduous battle, and the world felt like an unfeeling place that had lost its empathy for those struggling in silence.

I found sorrow in the depth of my fall that comforted me in the void while plotting to seep its roots into the very core of my existence. In my numbness, it clenched my heart spreading its seeds, paralyzing me from within. Where, I bore a sleeping devil for 18 long months. Together, we ate, prayed, and suffered in silence.?The devil turned doppelganger of my own creation seized me through tear-stained nights; listening without judgment as I poured out the tangled mess of my thoughts. It sang lullabies to me, urging me to surrender to its suffocating embrace. Consuming me, tempting my spirit to stray into the eternal abyss, where my doppelganger later named tuberculosis, laid in wait.

Countless nights turn into days, where nights outnumber and days become endless…

Remnants from the memories find their way back to me through nightmare on those sleepless hours echoing pain and trauma ricocheted through seizures.

Hurt was a daydream... Pretension was the game plan...

So, was the strategy to own my demons to walk these thorny paths mend by the shards of my kinder heart. Somewhere between the struggle, her love became the balm that soothed my wounded spirit, reminding me of her existence even in the darkest corners of despair.?I have become tired as the weight of the world wears me out.

Asking for help felt like an admission of weakness, a confession that I couldn't overcome the storms on my own.

But in my vulnerability, I discovered a profound strength — a flicker of rebellion that refused to be extinguished. Reminding me of my existence. The monster living under the bed has confessed. He reconciles with the labors of his doing. For had he not coexisted, I would have been a mere thought for the day walkers. Then this wouldn’t have been a conduit of speech to freedom but rather a suicide note to the one’s I leave behind.?

If that were true, a mother might not have seen her son. A sister could have lost a brother. An employer might not have seen their invaluable asset striving his best. And finally, those friends who through the walk of time have become more than family, might not have experienced their companion sing glories of the living or have missed out sharing a mug of beer with them. Then again, that’s all hypothetical for I wish to live in the world of being amidst the chaos embracing myself in the glory of the creator.

Now, as I emerge from the depths of that unforgiving abyss, I do so as a kinder soul—a soul forever transformed by the crucible of pain. In my pockets, I carry a profound empathy for those who walk a similar path to be a beacon of understanding to guide them through their own storms. I could be a well-wisher or a hand of compassion, extended to anyone who desires the help to remind them that they, too, possess the strength to rise above their darkest hours.

But I can’t because this journey of mine was painful and has shaped me into a self-made vessel of kindness.

I can only secretly wish to endow my blessings and prayers that may you never forget the kindness that resides within you. Embrace the compassion that emanates from your soul by reaching the depths of your own struggles. Let it guide you, for within it lies the power to heal, to transform, and to grow silently.

?

The winds of despair still occasionally lash out at my being, threatening to unravel the progress I have made. But I refuse to let anything define me. Instead, I choose to embrace the darkness that marks my spirit as reminders of battles fought and won. Now, as I conclude I see clearly without any fear. I return to see myself in the mirror, to wish my selves all the success in the world for I carry with me these angels’ and demons who shared a part of my pain when I was alone.

• P.S.: This is rather explanatory but a suicide note of a man lost in love.

This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual events, persons, or entities is purely coincidental. The author holds the copyright to this original work, including all characters, plotlines, and settings. No part of this story may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the author. Unauthorized use or duplication of this story may violate copyright laws and result in legal action. The author assumes no responsibility or liability for any errors or omissions in the story.

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