The Dance is Your Relationship

I was in a session with a couple this week, who I really enjoy working with. They’ve come a long way in the six months since we started working together.

During the call, we talked about the dance which each couple engages in when they are at odds with each other. It’s a dance where each partner plays a role and their behaviour mutually sparks the other. When we're aware of the dance we tend to engage in on a bad day, it makes it possible to change it.

For instance, let’s imagine a couple in their 40s, Caroline & Andrew. She’s worried about their teenage son’s mental health, but he is unwilling to even discuss her concerns.

Caroline is feeling deeply insecure about their son and seeks emotional comfort as well as reassurance from Andrew that they are going to do something about Harry's mental health.

“I’m really worried about Harry. I think we should speak to the school or find a therapist. If we don’t do something he’s going to end up depressed or cutting himself. And he’s got no friends now since he fell out with Tom. Honestly, Andrew, we’ve got to do something and you just don’t seem to care. You never listen to me when I talk about this...”

Andrew finds this level of emotional neediness overwhelming and he retreats. Maybe he makes excuses and tells her ‘not now’ or finds something ‘more important’ to do.

She pursues him even more pleading for his attention, and he retreats even further. He disappears into the shed or goes off to his friend’s to ask if he can borrow a tool.

The dance continues with her needy pursuit and his walled-off retreat until it resolves in some way.

The more she pursues him, the more he retreats.

This is the way the dance plays out on a bad day when one or both of them are stressed or unhappy. But it’s still their relationship.

Each couple has a repertoire of dances

For most of us the relationship isn’t just one dance. It consists of several dances. Many even.

When things are going well, we move gracefully from one dance to another. Whenever we are interacting with someone close we engage in a dance, and those dances can be mutually beneficial or they can be destructive.

So when both partners are stressed they're more likely to fall into their own destructive dance – whichever version of the more the more is their default.

Over time, the wonderful diversity of dances we engage in can become narrowed to the point that we only have two or three left. And one of those will be the default destructive dance.

The more a couple engages in that destructive dance the more stressed they become, and the more stressed they become the more they engage in the destructive dance.

Looking back I can see that this is exactly what happened in my marriage. He was an angry pursuer and I was a resentful withdrawer. I got very good at withdrawing, which just made him angrier.

The point is that when we find ourselves engaged in a destructive dance such as needy pursuit/walled-off retreat, we can change the dance.

As couples therapist, Terry Real says, more of the same is our enemy; something different is our friend.

Changing the dance is simple – you just have to stop what you’re doing and do something different.

Changing the dance

Let me tell you a story.

Many years ago, my mentor Chip Chipman and his wife Jan were on the brink of divorce. Things were bad and they fought a lot.

But one day Jan visited the home of the Scottish mystic, Syd Banks. At Syd’s home she learned something that would change their lives.

Jan told Chip what she had learned from Syd, but he dismissed it.

In the days that followed, Chip noticed that Jan wasn’t engaging when he started a fight. It was like she had stopped playing the game. He assumed it wouldn’t last and in a couple of weeks she’d go back to doing what she’d been doing before she met Syd.

But she didn’t. Jan had stopped playing the game – or as we might say, she had stopped engaging in the destructive dance they had been engaged in – for good.

Finally one morning watching Jan playing with their two-year-old son, Chip realised he didn’t want to play that game any more either. After all this was the woman he loved (and still does).

So you see, Jan had stopped the dance and once Chip had understood what was happening, he was ready to stop it and change to a dance which was loving and connected.

You can watch Chip and me talking about this on YouTube – he tells a great story!

What Jan had learned from Syd, and what I would like to share with you is that we all create our own reality from our thoughts. We each live in a thought-created reality.

We all have different, separate realities. And as none of can expect everyone to share our reality, the only option is to accept the reality of those we love, with curiosity and compassion.

And perhaps more importantly you can either have a thought-created life you love or you can live in a miserable reality of your own creation. And that will become part of the dance of your relationship.

Tomorrow, Monday 24th, I'm be hosting a masterclass on compassionate listening for couples. This is a tool you can use to change your reality and the dance you engage in with your partner. It’s at 5pm BST on Zoom and I’d love to see you there!