The Dance Between Expedience and Integrity: A Life’s Reflection on Parental Influence

As I sit here in my mid-seventies, looking back on the long and winding road of my life, I’m struck by the enduring influence of two powerful, yet contrasting forces: Expedience and integrity. These forces were embodied by my parents, whose differing approaches to life not only shaped my upbringing but also guided my own decisions as I navigated the complexities of adulthood.

?My father was a highly respected surgeon, a man who understood the value of time and the necessity of swift, decisive action. Expedience was his guiding principle, and it served him well in a profession where seconds could mean the difference between life and death. My mother, on the other hand, was a woman of deep integrity. A homemaker and cattle ranch owner, she came from a place of privilege, and she carried with her a strong sense of responsibility to do what was right, even when it wasn’t the easiest or most convenient path.

My Father: The Expedient Surgeon

My father’s success as a surgeon was no accident. He was a man who knew how to get things done, often under immense pressure. In the operating room, there was no time for hesitation or second-guessing. He had to make decisions quickly, and he had to trust his instincts. His expedient nature was not just a professional necessity; it was a key part of his identity. He thrived in an environment where efficiency was paramount, and he was respected for his ability to perform under pressure, to make the right call when it mattered most.

But my father’s expedience extended beyond the operating room. In his personal life, he approached challenges with the same focus on efficiency and results. Whether it was managing finances, planning family trips, or making everyday decisions, he valued speed and effectiveness. Yet, as much as this mindset contributed to his professional success, it sometimes led him to contemplate paths that sailed a little too close to the wind.

There were times when he considered taking advantage of loopholes in tax laws or finding other ways to navigate around obstacles that stood in his way. Not that he would ever do anything unlawful – he had both the integrity and the strategic smarts not to fall into the trap of cheating. In his mind, these options he contemplated ?were just pragmatic solutions—ways to achieve his goals more effectively.

An example is when my husband and I lived in Montreal in the early 1970s.? South African tax and import law (South Africa was home) would allow one to buy a car in a foreign country, and to import it duty free, provided you’d owned it for a year in the foreign country.? He proposed sending me enough cash to buy a brand-new Cadillac that I would then bring back to South Africa when we returned after my husband’s studies were over, so that he would avoid paying the 100% import tax on it and get to drive a snobby American car not available at all in South Africa at the time. ?

It then transpired that I would have to? continue owning it, including having it parked in MY driveway, for a year before he could take possession of it. I hesitated.? He didn’t want my husband to be driving ‘his’ car, and yet, if we’re doing this to help him safe some import duty, shouldn’t we be allowed to use the car as our mode of transport??

It was in these moments that my mother’s voice would enter the conversation, urging him to pull back and consider the broader implications of his actions. I never did get to own a Cadillac.        

My Mother: The Pillar of Integrity

My mother was the counterbalance to my father’s expedience. As a homemaker and cattle ranch owner, she understood the value of hard work, patience, and doing things the right way, even when it was difficult. She was an heiress, yes, but she carried her wealth with a sense of duty and a commitment to integrity that guided her every action. When my father would consider shortcuts or clever ways around the rules, she would remind him of the importance of honesty and fairness.

She was the moral compass in our family, the one who ensured that we didn’t stray too far from the path of what was right. My mother believed that how you achieve something is just as important as what you achieve. Her integrity was not about rigid adherence to rules for their own sake, but about living a life that was true to her values, even when no one was watching.

This wasn’t always an easy role for her to play. ?There were times when she had to stand firm against my father’s more expedient instincts, reminding him that the quick solution wasn’t always the best one. But she did so with grace and strength, understanding that her role wasn’t just to oppose my father’s pragmatism but to complement it, to add depth and substance to his otherwise sharp and effective approach.

The Interplay of Two Forces in My Life

Growing up in a household shaped by these two powerful influences was a complex experience. On the one hand, I learned the importance of getting things done, of not letting opportunities slip by. From my father, I inherited a sense of urgency, an understanding that sometimes you need to act quickly and decisively to achieve your goals. But from my mother, I learned that expedience must be tempered with integrity, that it’s not enough to simply succeed—you must succeed in a way that is consistent with your values.

This interplay between expedience and integrity has been the guiding force in my own life. I’ve found myself, time and again, navigating between these two principles, trying to find the right balance. There have been moments when I’ve channeled my father’s expedience, making quick decisions that allowed me to move forward, to seize opportunities that might have otherwise passed me by. But there have also been times when my mother’s voice echoed in my mind, reminding me to slow down, to consider the impact of my actions on others, and to ensure that I was staying true to my principles.

A Life of Balance and Reflection

Now, as I reflect on the journey I’ve taken, I realize that the most important lesson I’ve learned is that life isn’t about choosing between expedience and integrity, but about finding the right blend of both. My parents, in their different ways, gave me the tools to navigate life’s complexities, to make decisions that are both effective and ethical.

Their influence has shaped not only the way I’ve lived my life but also the way I’ve raised my own children. I’ve tried to pass on the lessons I learned from my parents, teaching my children the importance of being both pragmatic and principled. It’s a delicate balance, one that requires constant attention and adjustment, but it’s also the key to living a life that feels full, rich, and true to who you are.

As I sit here, looking back on the choices I’ve made and the paths I’ve taken, I find a certain peace in knowing that I’ve not done too badly in my efforts ?to live a life guided by both expedience and integrity. It’s a dance, one that’s sometimes graceful, sometimes awkward, but always necessary. And in the end, it’s this dance that has given my life its richness and its meaning.