Damn You Virus!

Remember the old days when you used to have to get up in the morning and go to work. It seems so long ago. This coronavirus has certainly taken its toll on the economy but, on the upside, it has given a lot of people a sweet vacation. I wonder how many people used their time productively to those things they claimed they never had time to do like paint a room, weed the garden, build a birdhouse, throw out the Tupperware that doesn’t have a top that fits, clear out the unworn clothing in your closet (hot pants went out of style in the 70s), clean the clutter off the counter where, I’ll guarantee you’ll find a bill that was supposed to be paid six months ago. Soon you’ll be asked to return back to your place of an employment and, just like that, the party’s over. The clock is ticking to get these things done that you promised yourself you would do if you only had the time. So far, the only thing you have to show for your six-month virus sabbatical is you binge watched a slew of Netflix movies and you fed the cat.

I developed a few bad habits thanks to the virus. I stay up a lot later than I used to which means I get up later. I lie in bed thinking what I have to do. There is nothing important opened, like a Sports Bar.  I really do have a valid excuse not to go work out. The virus handed me that golden ticket. I guess I could do some exercises at home, but again, I ask myself, why? If I can’t go out anywhere than I don’t see any people, why do I need to look good? I also don’t shave as much. I don’t know why. It’s not like it some huge task that going to take up the whole day like cleaning the garage. I had to gear myself up and build up my strength to go in the bathroom and take off that bum-looking stubble. The crazy thing is I didn’t have to deal with using shaving cream, which would take more effort, no, I use an electric shaver. All I had to do was push the button to turn it on then just hold it to my face. And yet, I likened it to climbing a mountain.

The virus seemed to attack me in a different way. It made me lazier than I already was.   I wore my clothes more days then I typically would. It didn’t matter if I had spilled something on it or they just smelled. I was lockdown in my house. The only ones I had of judging me were the FedEx guy or the Grubhub dude. I could care less if either one of them said I looked like a slob. Ok, I’m lying, it would still hurt.   I even got lazy making dinners. I just had meals delivered and the leftovers would last a few days. But soon, I found myself too lazy to call a restaurant and place an order. Where’s the phone? Oh yeah, it’s in the other room. Oh well, I’ll just have some crackers for dinner. It’s too hard putting something in the microwave. You got to push those buttons and stuff. The only thing that prevents me from ordering out every night is they always ask for money to pay for your order. It’s strange when they bring your order to your house because a masked person sets your stuff down like ten feet from you like you’re some kind of blistering leper. “Cover thy self, oh diseased one and heed thy distance. I have set your nightly feast over yonder on the brick pathway.”

I can’t stand that mask wearing. It makes me feel claustrophobic. I rip it off as soon as I get out of the store. For a while I refused to wear one. Then, one day while grocery shopping, this lady came up to me and said, “I think you should be wearing a mask.” I told her “I’m not worried about getting some virus.” She said, “I’m not talking about the virus. I just think you should be wearing a mask.”   I really hope wearing a mask doesn’t become part of our everyday life. I don’t think I can handle that.  It’s hard to tell if someone’s lying or laughing at one of your jokes. It seems like we’re living in the last days and there’s two kinds of humans left, the masked ones and the unmasked. Soon they will turn on each other.

I don’t know what the world will look like after all this Coronavirus crap is over. What a pain-in-ass this thing has been, upending our lives. We will certainly lose some of our dwindling freedoms. Will social distancing become the new way? Having to wear a mask everywhere we go?  No more hugging and shaking hands? Half full flights and movie theatres? The only good thing is, hopefully, people have learned to wash their hands more. You can never go wrong with hand washing. It’s a good thing. One other good thing that will come out of this rogue virus is, we’re going to make the history books, gang. Futuristic people will talk about the great plague of 2020. Grand kids will sit on our laps and ask, “Was it hard during the great plague, grandpa?” We’ll say it was brutal. We didn’t have to get up early, sit in traffic, work at a job we can’t stand. Our days were consumed of watching Netflix, having our groceries and meals delivered to our front door and, God help us, we had to wash our hands more often.