Dads Hiding Behind the Big Lie

Dads' Survival Guide: Possibilities

“All good.”?

The big lie. Perpetuated by every Dad. To one another. All the time.

Kids are good. Wife’s good. Work’s good. “All good.” Really?

On the sidelines. The golf course. Gas station. Home Depot parking lot. Wherever Dads run into one another. And catch up. Dads pretending to other Dads. ?

Occasionally, we may be good. Occasionally. On some convoluted ‘Good’ scale. But think about it: all good, all the time. With every Dad. C’mon. Who’re we kidding?

I know I’m part of the problem. Just as likely to perpetuate the big lie. A few summers back during cancer treatments. While hanging on by a thread. Physically. Emotionally. My impulse reaction was to assure other Dads all was “good” with me. Seriously. Though, “good” couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Why did I do that? Why do Dads lie about our condition? Our health. Family. Marriage. Workplace. Financial situation.

What’s with this barrier to vulnerability? The cultural norm. Among Dads. Our inability, or unwillingness to be truthful. Transparent. Candid. Authentic. About what’s really going on in our lives.

Well, this stuff is private. Personal matters. Nobody’s business.

Problem is, struggling by ourselves is a recipe for failure. Going it alone is unhealthy for Dads. Perilous. And totally unnecessary. ?

Wearing a Mask

Years ago, a Dad in our community took his own life.

The Dads closest to him were shocked. There were no outward signs. Nothing for his buddies to pick up on. While playing golf. Darts. Hanging at the local pub. Or on the sidelines.

This Dad was obviously suffering. Seriously. But suffering in silence. On his own. By himself. With no help.

This is not an indictment of his pals. This is an indictment on our Dadhood culture. So prevalent. Everywhere. The common expectations. For how Dads act. And operate.

Dads are supposed to be strong. Unflappable. In total command. With all the answers. For every aspect of fathering. And family life. ?

We’re never to exhibit weakness. Reveal one’s internal battles. Mental state. Emotional well-being. Whether stressed to the brink. Anxious. Disheartened. Depressed. And our preferred method of self-medication is a social third rail. Not to be touched or exposed. Harmful habits and addictions. Drinking. Porn. Gambling. Drugs.

Thus, when Dads are struggling – which is much of the time – we don’t show it. Instead, Dads put on the fa?ade. A mask. The outward pretense. We’ve got every aspect of Dadhood under control. All’s good with us.

The big lie.

Hiding

The divorce rate in America is 50%.

Nothing is worse for kids’ well-being than a broken home. Every parent knows this. We all understand. Yet the marital fractures are so deep, so irreparable, that half of marriages fail.

How does this happen? So often.

Because relational difficulties between Dads and Moms go on in the dark. Privately. Behind closed doors. Husbands and wives try working things out. On their own. By themselves. Waiting too long to ask for help. Much too long.

Meanwhile, the troubled couple put on a fa?ade. A false front. Acting like everything’s cool. Copacetic. When nothing could be further from the truth.

Notice a pattern? Dads hiding. Refusing to reveal whatever dysfunction we’re facing. Marital challenges. Financial difficulties. Mental well-being. Common challenges among Dads. That we try to resolve on our own.

Until it’s too late. And we end up in divorce. AA. Rehab. Or worse.

Sadly, this is the Dad doctrine. Our credo. No matter what Dads are going through, don’t show weakness. And never ask for help.

?

Act like everything’s cool. “All good.”

Consult the Experts

When Dads finally work up the moxie to ask for help, guess what… every other Dad is “good”. None of our buds are struggling. With Dad problems.

So, we conclude we’re the only one. The lone dude with Dad issues. The village idiot. Because every other Dad says they’re good. And we believe them. We take other Dads at their word. Even though we lie about our condition all the time.

?

How stupid is that?!

And here’s the irony; the best experts for Dad problems…other Dads.

Why? Because every Dad is going through the same set of issues. All of us. At some point or another. Let me repeat. All of us Dads are struggling with the difficulties of Dadhood.

No Dad is immune to parenting woes. Marital trials. Financial strains. Work failures. Every Dad has experienced one or more of these Dadhood troubles.

?

So, Dads are the best source to help one another. Yet, we never ask. Ugggh.

Helping One Another

“How’s your heartbeat, Bro?”

That’s the question a dear friend used to pepper me with. All the time. His means of getting past, “All good.” Because my friend knew “All good” was highly unlikely. He persisted. Relentlessly. Crossed the line. Violated the Dad credo. Forced me to reveal what was really going on. In my heart.

I hated that question. Mocked that question. Derided that question. And I’m sooo thankful for that question. Thankful that my dear friend kept pursuing me with that wretched, horrible question. And never bought “All’s good.” ?

Let’s be honest, at times, us Dads can feel lost. Uncertain. Burdened by our problems. Not because resolution is impossible. Because we hide them in the dark. Dads going it alone. Suffering in silence. ?

Yet, when we reveal our difficulties, expose them to the light, the shackles are broken. When realizing other Dads are struggling as well, we can see our issues for what they are. Not mountainous. Or monumental. But part everyday Dadhood. ?

None of us have all the answers. To the problems we face as fathers. But every Dad can listen. Hear one another out. Empathize. Share our own experiences. Support and encourage each other. ?

So, let’s be on the lookout. Next time you hear, “All’s good.” Show some skepticism. Ask that extra question. Assure other Dads that we’re here for one another. Have each other’s back. Dads helping other Dads.

That’s what we do.

Go, Dads. Go.