Dads FTW!

TLDR: To all the Fathers, Take that parenting sabbatical, if you can. To all the working mothers, ??????

Disclaimer: This is a reflection of what has been a profound & transformative personal journey. It's intended to be a celebration of the most challenging yet satisfying roles any individual, irrespective of gender, will ever play if they choose to do so. It's not intended to be a discourse on DEI, nor am I looking to garner appreciation (OK, maybe a little ??). While the trend is positive, I hope this nudges a few more fathers, who are privileged enough to afford it, to take that Parenting sabbatical. I also should clearly state that a mother is a mother and that fathers can pretend to be one but cannot become one :)

They say, “It's not the title that you hold, but the role that you play that matters”. I played the role of a mother, with the title of a father for the last 9 months and as I step back into the corporate grind (more on that soon), I had some thoughts to share.

For over 18 years, I’ve led multiple teams, and managed tough stakeholders but nothing prepares you for parenting. Kids don't come with any instruction manual and when my daughter was born, the first few days I was completely lost. A reality check from my wife and some introspection helped me understand that I don't want to be just a caretaker dad.

In early 2023, I decided to take a year-long sabbatical to become a "Full Time Dad.”

My daughter has been the toughest stakeholder that I ever had but this experience was definitely way more rewarding. I actually love this stakeholder of mine ??. While it gave me the satisfaction of playing the role of an equal parent this phase has also rewired my thinking in many ways.

My biggest realization was that WE ARE ALL CONDITIONED TO BELIEVE THAT PARENTING ROLES ARE BASED ON GENDER. Traditionally, society has ascribed specific roles to each gender in the realm of parenting. Mothers were seen as the primary nurturers, while fathers took on the role of providers. In my experience, there's a need to dismantle this notion that certain tasks or responsibilities are inherently tied to a specific gender. Anyone irrespective of gender can be the primary caregiver if there's intent and choice. Barring breastfeeding, which is physiologically impossible for men to do, every aspect of childcare from playing, soothing, cleaning, bathing, even feeding them once they have weaned off mother's milk, putting them to sleep, literally everything is gender agnostic.

Our bias is so deep rooted that just like the waiter at a restaurant somehow always hands the bill to the male customer on the table, the old neighborhood aunty always directs all questions about the child to the mother. And if the father answers, the father is immediately hailed as a hero while the mother gets a disapproving headshake. Most Instagram handles with mom/mother prefixes or suffixes are sharing content about difficulties of raising a child, about tired days and even more tiring nights, about sisterhood of mothers, about being there to help each other while most handles with dad/ father are followed by jokes or memes.

Ironically, I started the post saying I played the mother’s role as if that's the norm. I probably should have said that I played the role of a father, as the father's role should be.

Equal parenting is more than a buzzword; it's a philosophy that recognizes the importance of shared responsibilities in raising children. As Brene Brown says, parenting or relationships are never 50:50, sometimes its 80:20, sometimes its 30:70. We just have to ensure the sum is 100%. Fathers have to move away from stepping in as care takers when the mother is unavailable to actually being a parent; and taking charge of the child’s development in every which way.

And hence what are some possible shifts that will enable more and more fathers to ‘be’ primary caregivers?

? Normalize the fact that a father can do it all. I have been asked multiple times with a lot of suspicion by a host of different folks from cab drivers to relatives, "???? ??? ???? ??? ????? ????? ??????" (would you be able to manage her by yourself for so long?)

? Appreciate but don’t hail them as heroes - hailing fathers who “do-it-all” as heroes inevitably means we take, for granted, all that mothers do.

? Normalize the fact that new mothers can spend long hours in the office, can travel with a young baby at home and still be a very good mother. (Most of them anyways guilt-trip themselves enough for being away from their little one’s – we absolutely don’t need to add to it ??). My wife heard the "????? ?? ?? ??? ???? ?? ??" (Children need a mother) dialogue more often than once, and every time she travelled overnight. Mostly from men who took the provider role way too seriously.

? There definitely are traits that mothers largely tend to demonstrate better – for example being present – emotionally and otherwise, for the child. Or for that matter instinctively picking cues especially when these babies aren’t yet talking. I submit to you – instinct and emotional availability, again, aren’t gender-specific. With a little effort and a lot of intent, both of these can be built, equally beautifully, by dadda’s.

While there’s enough and more said about how paternity policies, etc. need to be brought at par to make it a level playing field for women, I also wish we shift this discourse to men insisting on these – not only so their working wives can continue to have great careers – but so that they themselves can experience the joy of parenthood the way I have been lucky enough to experience.

P.S: Fathers can do everything. Almost everything, except what's physiologically impossible or as I found out, requires fashion sense, especially, if you have a daughter.??