Dads and Daughters: How to Turn an Outburst into a Powerful Moment of Connection

Have you ever seen a child have an outburst over something seemingly simple? A gentle request? A homework question? A missing hair tie?

Outbursts aren’t just a sign of being a teenager, or having a reactive personality. They’re a sign that something deeper is going on in their brain. Read this story about my friend Peter and how he used this information to change angsty morning rides to school into a moment of connection and understanding with his daughter, Maria – and how you can, too.?

Dads and Daughters

Peter’s daughter Maria was a teenager. He thought he was prepared for what that meant, having heard stories from his friends and family about their experiences raising a bright healthy teenage girl. Morning routines had always been fun times until she turned 14. Then he realized that each morning that he dropped her off at school, which was the customary routine, he left to go to work with a pantry-full of emotions that included sadness, anger, resentment and shame.?

What was going on? Where did the adorable happy child disappear to, as soon as she turned 13?

Peter was perplexed and felt completely out of control around his daughter. His wife Judy was not coping much better, since the two girls got into full-blown screaming matches with stomping upstairs and door slamming. His house was not the happy place it used to be. Judy always felt bad afterward, but Maria seemed to know exactly how and when to push her buttons.?

What got Peter the most was the morning melt-down over hair ties. No matter how prepared he tried to be for the morning drop-off (a good breakfast, a super lunch, homework and the rest of it), invariably she would lose a hair tie and subsequently lose her mind. In the end, he would have lost his mind too — all over a hair tie. And it was never really about hair ties.?

In abject desperation, he blurted it out at the watering hole on Friday after work. Most of his buddy dads rolled their eyes and offered the usual meaningless inane platitudes about – ‘kids these days’, or ‘teenagers are worse than the terrible twos’ and so on. Nothing helpful.?

As he looked back, the twos weren’t terrible with Maria. She was a bright, curious little girl who loved activities and adored dad. He wished for those days again.

That was when his friend Josh, the cop, chimed in. “I was in a training the other week,” he offered, “it was supposed to be about the brain and de-escalation techniques. But, most of the strategies are just as important in the home or school.”

Peter was all ears.

“What you got?”

“Amygdala hijack. It’s all about access… the amygdala cuts off access to the rational brain with its processing power in the prefrontal cortex.”

Peter was lost. “What’s that amigg thingy…what did you call it? The hijack…”

Josh smiled. “It’s not important. Just know that there is a part of the brain called the amygdala, which serves like a switching station on a railway system. When it is clogged up, or hyperactive… usually because of anxious feelings, fear, too much chaos, too much information to process… then the amygdala shuts down access to the processing center – the prefrontal cortex.”?

Josh placed both his hands on his own forehead as he tried to make simple what he was saying.?

In truth, Peter had never even thought about a switching station in the brain or, for that matter, a processing center … especially not in his own head as he was navigating the stress of a simple journey to school with Maria each morning. It shouldn’t be that complicated.

“Are you saying that if Maria is stressed because of anxiety, or fear… that her processing center in the front of her brain is not working?”?

He cocked his head to one side as he watched Josh nod fixedly in affirmation. A light bulb was going off for him.?

“Well… that totally makes sense.” He hissed a long deep breath … it was obvious that he was casting his thoughts back to a particular morning in the car as they drove two miles in disharmony to school. “My daughter seems like she has no brain at all when she is yelling at me about a missing hair tie.”

“And what do you say in response to her melt down?” Josh was trying to make a point.

“Well… I try to get her to calm down, to stop yelling and to try to think about the last place that she saw the stupid hair tie.”

Josh allowed those words to sink in. It was obvious that he was allowing Peter room to stumble into the solution to the morning hair tie problem.?

“And that is the problem… right there, Dad.”?

Josh looked directly into Peter’s eyes. “This is the big takeaway from that de-escalation training for me... so that I can survive much more dangerous interactions.” Again he paused and absently flexed his fingers as he moved his right hand over his gun holster. The gravity of that last remark settled into Peter’s consciousness. He grimaced as he unwittingly followed the gesturing hand.

“When a child, or anyone, is in amygdala hijack – that is when the amygdala cut’s off access to the rational thinking brain – the adult in the conflict cannot afford to be in amygdala hijack also. This is a moment for de-escalation. “Remember Curious George?” Josh was smiling broadly now.?

Peter was taken aback. Of course he knew Curious George. Everybody knew Curious George. But what had that got to do with de-escalation? “What…?” he was rattled by the unexpected change of topic??

“Curious George is your friend.” Josh rushed headlong into it. “The brain is a curious place,” he continued. “You cannot be curious and be angry at the same time. You cannot he in amygdala hijack and be curious at the same time.”

Peter felt the penny drop.

“If you say the words inwardly… ‘I am curious to learn why Maria is acting out, having another melt down on the way to school’ … then you will be able to process what the real issue is. Maria is somehow stressed, anxious, afraid, overloaded and is reacting in a response to that stressor.”

“So if I stay curious, I won't allow her press my buttons. I won't shout ‘CALM DOWN’ at her. I will be able to de-escalate the situation,” said Peter.?

“Exactly, my friend. You got it. You are the adult in the ummm… in the car, and you will be able to offer a way out for Maria.”?

“What's the way out?” Peter showed his impatience.

“Simple. Take a deep breath. That will cause Maria to want to imitate you – her mirror neurons will naturally follow – mirror – what you are doing. Then carefully and deliberately name the emotion that she is experiencing.”

Peter’s brow furrowed. As if that task was a stretch for him. Josh rescued him. “You are frustrated. It’s upsetting when you lose a hair tie.”

“That’s it. It’s as simple as that. Stay curious, breathe, and name the emotion?”

"Let me know how it works out. Think it through first so that you understand the sequence and the intent. Then give it a shot," Josh said.

—-----------

The following Friday, Peter couldn't wait to meet Josh. “Incredible,” he said. “You have no idea how you changed my life.”

Josh laughed. “You are a good dad!”

“When I named the emotion... it was like a train had hit her. She stopped screaming at me for a good minute – 60 seconds with the weight of a full overtime play in the NFL. It was like the world stood still for her. I thought she was going to hit me. Then she said… calmly… “I know exactly where I left it. It’s in the top pocket of my school bag.”

There was a pleasant quiet for a moment. “Then she got out her phone and calmly texted her friend Jamie.”

It was Peter’s turn to breathe.

“My drop-off school rides are fun again. But you will never believe what happened last night as I was watching the news on TV. Maria was passing through from the kitchen and she stopped by the door. Do you know what she said to me?”

Josh waited.?

“She said, I really think you get me, Dad. For a while I thought you just couldn't but lately I think you are right on.”

Peter flashed a smile of satisfaction. “I couldn't believe it. Curiosity, breathing, naming.

Who would have known?”

How often do you feel like Peter, or even Maria?

We all know what it’s like to feel caught up and clouded by our emotions. But as parents, teachers, administrators, leaders, we can learn to expect these scenarios and be there for our kids with the path out of amygdala hijack and into de-escalation – and a better day.?

Want to learn more about why our children’s brains operate the way they do and what we can do to help them overcome these challenges so they can learn and thrive? Join me as I launch my new book, The Brain-Based Classroom Workbook. Launching soon on Kickstarter!