Dad's Aren't Taking Paternity Leave: What This Means For Women & The Companies they Work For

The choice to become a parent is one that - still today - comes at a hefty price for professional women. Deemed less focused, committed and capable, mothers, from the time their pregnancies start showing, find that their careers tend to stall, maybe even flatline for several years.

This is not news, it is a long-established fact.

One way to shift this inequity is to give men the opportunity to actively participate in care-taking duties for their children and other family members. That is exactly what many companies are trying to do by providing better, more comprehensive, paternity and family medical leaves for male employees. But all those efforts are wasted if men don't feel free to actually take advantage of these benefits...

"[...]men may be starting to experience the pressure and disapproval mothers have faced for years.

The Price of Parenthood

Fathers have historically been considered stable, responsible, better decision-makers, but that may change as more men choose to step into their roles as caretakers.

A recent New York Times article investigated why fathers aren't taking advantage of the paid leave they've asked for and obtained. It seems that part of the blame for this lost opportunity comes from the fact that men may be starting to experience the pressure and disapproval mothers have faced for years. Reproachful looks, thinly disguised disincentives from managers and bosses, and lack of full paid leave could discourage anyone from taking advantage of a hard-won benefit. When push comes to shove and someone has to take time off to care for a child or family member, social pressures and historical norms*, make it so women, once again, are more likely to step up and sacrifice their reputation, social capital, advancement opportunities, and pay to act as primary caretakers.

We say we want women to have equal opportunities in the workplace and in society, but do we really? Changing this inequity means we need to change more than our rules or systems, we have to change our attitudes and beliefs.

Not So Evolved After All...

Earlier this month I had the privilege of speaking to a mixed group of active-duty Marines and sailors. Men and women crowded into the room to learn how to be more intentional, fairer, better leaders. I invited these servicewomen and men, from different ranks, to discuss women’s experience in the military and talk about the stereotypes, prejudices, and biases women face daily.

The topic that brought the most passionate reaction was pregnancy. According to women who spoke up, male and female Marines immediately look upon pregnant Marines with rancor and negativity. In private conversations, I was told that pregnant servicewomen are perceived as weak, as trying to evade their duty, as liabilities. They are labeled as promiscuous is they don’t have a wedding ring, and conniving and uncommitted even when they do. 

"It may be the XXIst century, but men and women still have very narrow-minded and harmful conscious and unconscious beliefs about motherhood and parenthood."

The reactions I heard at the Marine base are, in my experience, simply a more extreme version of what many mothers face in the workplace. It’s not uncommon to hear colleagues and supervisors at work talk about parenthood and make the assumption that it grants privileges, that mothers are uncommitted, and that missing work for doctors’ appointments, parent-teacher meetings or sick children is some kind of a free pass to get out of work. 

It may be the XXIst century, but men and women still have very narrow-minded and harmful conscious and unconscious beliefs about motherhood and parenthood. These biases are - and have been - affecting women since they entered the workforce. Now men who want to be caretakers are facing the same social pressures.

It's About Trust & About Perspective

No Trust

Underlying all this bias and disapproval is the assumption that employees are fundamentally dishonest, untrustworthy, and looking to slack on work. The premise doesn't lend itself to great corporate culture or team dynamics. If we only trusted our colleagues and employees to do their job, to be responsible, committed, and honest, we wouldn’t assume that they are using caretaking duties as a way of shirking responsibilities, or that they can’t meet the needs of the teams and their loved one at the same time.

Yes, parenthood is a personal choice that comes with its own set of responsibilities and costs. Not everybody wants to become a parent, but everyone in society benefits from others choosing to take on that responsibility. After all, at some point in our lives, we all hope to retire and will need a younger workforce to provide services and good once our careers end. 

Shifting Perspectives

It might be easier to consider and care about the impact of the motherhood bias if we shift the debate from motherhood to simply talking about the burden of caretakers - a role most of us will adopt at some point in our life for a partner, a parent, a sibling, a friend, or a pet.

"[...] affording every individual the opportunity to care for those they love is not just right, it’s good for business"

If you are one of those people (woman or man) who says she wants equal opportunities and fair wages for professional women, you can do your part by checking your biases. When a colleague misses work to take a family member to the doctor, when she leaves exactly on time to pick her kids up from school, do you find yourself feeling resentful or speaking behind her back with those of you who are choosing to stay late?

Having to choose between work and personal responsibilities creates distractions, it makes us less effective, more resentful, more stressed. This impacts productivity, employee retention, and mental health. When you shift your perspective to consider that, it's easy to see how affording every individual the opportunity to care for those they love is not just right, it’s good for business.

* This is assuming a heteronormative couple 

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About Dr. Alessandra Wall:

Alessandra is a clinical psychologist, coach, and international speaker.

She is the founder and CEO of Life in Focus coaching and runs a boutique psychotherapy practice in San Diego, California.

Dr. Wall works with smart, driven professional women who want to make a real impact professionally and personally, but feel limited, undervalued, and stuck.

She does this with coaching, workshops, speaking, and through collaborations with forward-thinking organizations that genuinely care to support and elevate their female workforce.

Schedule a quick virtual coffee with her to discuss your needs as a professional woman or as the leader of an organization that understands and values its female talent click here to schedule.