"Are the Dads Alright?": Parenthood from a Devoted Dad's Perspective

By: Ashley Pennington, MA

Please note: This is my personal experience and not meant to generalize or stigmatize others in other experiences. However, you choose to parent, and co-parent is your choice. I honor your choice and your experience.

My husband is a man of few words, so when I poked and prodded at him to answer my questions for this article, you can bet I was speechless and brought to tears.

"From the moment we started to talk about having children, we laid a firm foundation for our marriage and our future littles."

In some ways we are similar. We have the exact Enneagram type: 1 & 3 (so weird, right?). We are in the business of mental health, which is where we met (we’ll save that story for a later article on happenstance meeting). We are go-getters. Never tell either of us something can’t be done because we will do it and then we will make sure you know it was done (oops, did I just say that out loud?) Lastly, we both are very passionate about keeping history and genuine authentic connection alive (without the use of electronics).

But in other ways, we are different. Like, how my list of things to pack for the hospital was created about 30 minutes after the positive pregnancy test and my husband’s bag for the hospital was packed 30 minutes before my scheduled c-section. Did I mention it was scheduled? Or how my laundry day is every Monday and his is when he “needs clothes.” (wives: IYKYK). Or how he always misplaces his keys and I have made a custom key tray personalized for him that’s been moved to accommodate where he usually puts his keys to ensure we are less likely to be late looking for said lost keys.

Friends, you guessed it, in most ways, we even out each other. He’s my voice of reason and I’m his right hand. He’s the one I call on when I’m feeling overwhelmed and he’s always the one to wrap me in a bear hug to give me the reassurance or compassionate feedback I need to move forward. I’m the planner and he’s the executer. I map out the project and he knocks down the walls (literally). So, when it came to birthing our son, I was all but immersed in the experience for myself and neglected to see the experience through his lens.

"As I think back on our experience from that positive pregnancy test to bringing our son home, he was always one step ahead."

He took care of making sure our fur child was safe at the overnight doggy daycare. He made sure I had three meals per day and that the beloved hospital chicken tenders and vegetable soup were chosen anytime they were on the menu (again, IYKYK). For goodness’ sake, the man sold a house only hours after I birthed our son! Talk about continuing to provide for his family! All the while, he sat next to me and told me to rest. Everything else was taken care of.

"Fast forward to going home. Talk about the most fearful situation."

We were told we could go home with this precious 2 day old, 9 lb. human?! Like what? We were so scared to drive him home that Seth drove 20 mph with his hazards on all the way home. And here I am, a bawling mess. “Did we do the right thing? Is our dog going to be okay? Am I equipped for this? I am not equipped for this! What the hell am I doing? How am I going to do this?” All of this, while Seth just held me and said in his most compassionate voice: “Um…well, it’s too late to go back now, isn’t it?” Again, hysterical mama over here, thinking of myself.

"Okay, let’s stop here: This article is not intended for me to seek reassurance from the audience."

I’ve done enough of the work to know that sometimes it’s okay to go back and really feel that vulnerability and apologize without feeling the shame and embarrassment. It’s totally okay to say, “hey, I messed up. My hormones plummeted and I was an emotional wreck. And hey, I totally neglected to think of you. I’m sorry about that.” Even if it’s three years later. ?

Now, fast forward to today. According to a survey conducted by Verywell Mind, did you know that 3 out of 4 of dads want more mental health support? Did you also know that 51% of dads indicate losing touch with friends and loved ones after having kids? In addition, 8 out of 10 dads report prioritizing their family's needs above their own. With divorce rates continuing to rise above 50%, and only 1 in 4 dads talking about their mental health to their loved ones, it's time to start the conversation. Seriously, are the dads alright?

My first question to my husband was this: (AP) In your experience, what’s the hardest part of being a dad? Of course, he then proceeded to tell me how very loaded and very vulnerable that question was (especially to a man of few words).

(SP): “I believe?the hardest part of being a dad is much like any other parent,?pretending you have it all together when you?don't. You strive to be perfect and do everything the right way, but in reality, you`re flying by the seat of your pants just hoping you raise a good human. You`re often pressured by society on what it should look like to be the perfect parent and we succumb?to that most days. Sometimes knowingly, sometimes not, we give in and it makes being a dad/parent that much harder. This is going to sound a bit entitled, but I also think we need to normalize checking in on dads. I think culture around male mental health plays a role in that, but as?a dad it is easy to feel like you can't share or show your?feelings as?well (especially during pregnancy or during the infancy stage). Whether that is because you`re not actively sacrificing your body to support a child, you may or may not be the parent of choice sometimes, or simply feeling like you`ll be judged/less of a man, who knows. I just know as a dad you feel it, you hide it, and you hope it goes away. I think we?are more inclined to check on mom because we?can see the struggle mom faces (from a physical?standpoint). We fail to check on dads because we simply cannot see their struggles.”

Wow. I was struck by his response and how it was like my experience and yet, I never realized it because he was and continues to be the rock. The one who does all the things without a bat of an eye or “keeping the score.” I can say I was his #1 priority while I healed during major surgery. He was there 1000% of the time and more. The way Seth dealt with his fear and anxiety was to do more. Keeping pushing. Keep doing. Go that extra mile to avoid the fear. I experience things outwardly. His experiences are inward. As a partner, this is my cue to sit with him. To breathe with him and to give him the space to experience that fear. To just let it happen.

• To my next question: (AP) What did you expect when becoming a dad and did your expectations change after Jack arrived??

(SP): “I didn't?know what?to truly expect,?and I had more questions for myself than answers. I think we have seen a shift in recent years,?but traditionally, society paints dads as uninvolved and clueless parents who let others raise their child. I knew my expectation was to be the opposite of that. Family is?my everything,?point blank, period.??The only thing I knew for certain prior to being a dad, and the promise I made to my son the day he was born, was that I would always be here, and I would always love him unconditionally. Through whatever may come, my successes and failures and his, I knew this was something I could always offer no matter what. I still feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants some days, but at the end of the day, I know I am true to my word and promises as a dad/spouse. My son will never look up in the stands and wonder if I am coming to the event. My son will never stand on the corner wondering if I am coming to pick him up. My son will never question if I love him. My wife will never wonder if I am coming home that night. My wife will never be solely responsible for all the work that comes with raising a child,?maintaining a home, etc. My wife will never question if I love her. In addition to that, I knew that I would always play my part as a?spouse and parent. I was never going to be the guy who sat on the sidelines at home and watched my wife raise my child on her own. I also think the biggest adaptation to becoming a parent is realizing that sometimes you aren't?at odds with each other, you`re just overstimulated. You still love one another, the small outbursts?in frustration aren't personal, we just happen to be the only adults in the room when?shit?hits the fan every so often. Frankly, I think we do an?awesome job of recognizing our failures when this happens,?owning it and apologizing,?and moving on.”

This is so true. We are a team. Whether that be making dinner, picking up the boys from daycare (yes, our dog always goes to daycare; judge if you may), bathtime and bedtime routines, mowing the lawn, watering flowers, etc. we split the load. This is especially key when one of us is overstimulated and needs a break. I am so grateful to have a partner who is so emotionally intelligent to pick up on my cues and literally sets me down when I begin to spiral. But it is also okay for him to feel overstimulated and need a break too. He works a demanding job and (hello), he’s also human, so it’s quite okay for him to also need a break. And when he does, it’s not my fault when he needs it. Say it louder for those in the back: “IT’S NOT MY FAULT WHEN MY HUSBAND NEEDS A BREAK! I don’t need to fix it.” Whew, my blood pressure just declined a few notches after that one. Did yours? He’s got this and even when he doesn’t, the lines of communication are open to pivot, reframe, and rebuild our connection.

Last question: (AP): What is your advice to new dads and what’s your hope for dads in the future?

(SP): "Be patient, give yourself grace. Never get too high, never get too low. Find something that grounds you. Keeps you centered. For me, it’s hiking. Hiking allows me to tone out the world. The overwhelming negative thoughts that can circle me. The noise that can shift my energy and just allows me to be alone with myself taking in the amazing sites."

(SP): "My hope for dads is that you can be the example for your child in all aspects. Show your son what a dad is, and what it looks like. Show them how a dad contributes in the home, how a dad loves, how a dad/gentleman treats others, how their dad loves their mom and supports her in all things, etc. Simply be the example for all the things you pray your child will grow up to be."

“Be patient. Give yourself grace.”

I can’t say that enough as a parent. We are not meant to have all the answers. Society paints this portrait of parents being all knowing and all being and let’s face it, we are going through our own struggles on a daily basis. I think it is perfectly fine to tell our kids point blank, “I don’t know or I don’t have the answer.” I think it’s also okay for us to tell us kids when we are not feeling our best. Something as little as “Mommy/Daddy is feeling grumpy today” can signal to our kids that we are also human. We don’t have to always have it all together and being vulnerable and transparent with our kids signifies emotional growth. The ability to feel content with imperfection. What a gift. Truly. What we are saying here is simple: Be the example for your child. Support your partner. Pray for your enemies. Practice patience.

Some of the best parenting advice I have been given is this: “Speak to your kids as you would speak to a co-worker.” Wow, how powerful is that? To our kids, we are everything. Their comfort. Their strength. Their source of safety. Be you. Be vulnerable. Be transparent. Be patient. Be kind. Be understanding. Be all the things you hope for your child and more.

To my husband, thank you for being the perfect example of a father to our boys. Your compassion, humility, humor, and vulnerability are the best qualities about you and I am beyond grateful that you chose me to share in this life. Keep being you and keep shining.