Dad...I Never Thought I'd Be Here

A career can be full of unexpected twist and turns as life unfolds. That was certainly true of mine which took me to unexpected places and on many adventures. My career and focus on safety even resulted in my meeting and marrying my wonderful wife. Sixteen years ago I needed a date for the annual Christmas party, and I discovered Kathy on-line through e-harmony. She attended the party with me, and we had a great time together. However, I was uncertain is she was right for me, and I was running the other way fast. Fate interceded, as Kathy needed to go out to her parent’s home to clear the Douglas fir needles off the roof. Doing this task at night didn’t strike me as safe, so I volunteered to come to hold the ladder and make sure she was ok.?The home as it turned out was on the waterfront and a very romantic place. Adding to the atmosphere were the Christmas carol ships cruising by decorated with Christmas lights. Standing in the living room with her is a time I will always treasure, and a year later we were married.

A good marriage is one where both partners try to meet the needs of the other. It is also important that the big things be clearly spelled out. In Kathy’s case she wanted children and a family, and in mine, I needed a partner who would move where my career took me. So we agreed to have one child together and she would move should that be needed. At the time we were thinking of Vancouver Island and a child by natural means. As fate would have it, the child by natural means did not happen, and the company bought a facility in Arizona – to which we would eventually relocate. The winds of change were blowing, then the great recession of 2008 happened, and by 2010 the winds of change turned to a full-blown hurricane. The company I had worked for 20 years went into bankruptcy; the recently purchased mill was closed and dismantled. It was the worst of times, and I then was let go. Kathy asked that we return to the coast and the ocean which she loved so dearly, but she neglected to say which coast. I tried to move back to Canada, but there were few opportunities, and then a pulp mill in South Georgia came knocking. I accepted a job as superintendent of a pulp machine. Which was several steps down from my recent roles, but I enjoyed the mill and the folks that worked there. So Kathy and I enjoyed our new life in this foreign land. Kathy mentored a middle school boy, who remains a part of our extended family and volunteered at the boys and girls club. Kathy got her Georgia physiotherapy license and life went on. We became licensed by the state as a Foster home and took children hoping one would become available for adoption. But alas, as it had been in Arizona and BC before that, adoption through government agencies was simply not going to happen.

?Then fate intervened again. The office manager at the clinic that Kathy worked at had watched Kathy go through everything to try and adopt a child. Two of her grandchildren were in need, and asked if we would be interested in adopting them. In 2 months, we were parents again as the judge put it to rest and I adopted a boy and girl who were 3 and 4 at the time. The children’s early lives were difficult, and they needed a great deal of care to overcome the trauma of their early lives. To properly nurture the children Kathy left the workforce leaving me as the sole breadwinner. My Son has always been an early riser, playing on the iPad, and watching cartoons. He would often sit with me as I ate breakfast and got ready for the day. He just seemed to be happy sitting with me, occasionally asking questions about those things little boys concern themselves with like can Superman really fly, and how does the Hulk turn green. After I was done pulling on my work boots, and had hugged him he would smile and look at me and say “don’t get fired.” You see, in his other life “getting fired” would mean there would be no toys, and maybe no food. It is sad that his innocence had been taken away at such an early age.

I knew and accepted that because I am a leader rather than an old school manager, I had a much higher risk of being fired than a manager. I am also highly skilled at getting results through other people, which can sometimes breed envy and discomfort within my peer group. There were many situations where I was left with a choice, I could do the right thing, or I could make decisions that would be acceptable to the manager. Sometimes I wondered if I was the one not seeing things clearly, and I would ask trusted peers for their opinions. But once I had clarity on the issues at hand, and what needed to be done, I found it increasing difficult just to play the game; as the longer this goes on for, the more the soul is corrupted.?This can be a tough position to be in. Eventually, an employee can be left with the choice of leaving or standing their ground. The choice would seem simple, but sometimes it isn’t.

?My kids still have contact with many biological family members that lived in the area where I was working; my wife and I both felt the children needed to have that connection. Leaving the area would mean reducing the kid's contact with their biological family, so I was committed to toughing in out. The last year was particularly challenging, but I went about my days doing the right thing. However, it was becoming increasingly obvious that I was not at all in alignment with my manager. I did not like my manager at the interview several years earlier, but I figured he was two levels above me and I liked everyone else so I thought I would be OK. Ironically, I was told he didn’t like me at the interview either, but the rest of the hiring team was excited to have me, so he backed down.?After I was promoted, and my boss went into another role, he became my direct supervisor, and it was painful for both of us. My hope was that he would be fired, leave or be transferred.?At the best of times, he had few words for me, and he used what words he had for me, to blame me for things that were not within my control. We had a weekly meeting where he had offered to mentor me… Our meetings usually consisted of his staring at his iPhone and rarely making eye contact. One meeting stood out above the others. He had just returned from head office and said I was being blamed for all the dead inventory off site. Much of the inventory had been off the site for years before I even worked at the mill and it wasn’t hard to figure out where this was going, his body language was like a neon sign. I had known for months what he was planning. I’d even figured out the day. So I had a choice, I could go home and milk the system pretending to be sick like I have seen others do, or get fired. I choose to do the right thing, I walked up and accepted termination as it was the right thing to do, and moved on.

?Leaving Jesup included getting the house ready to sell. I was in Walmart buying materials, and an elderly lady came up to me with a wooden car she had purchased on a cruise for her pastor. The car was missing one wooden headlamp, and she thought I was a Walmart employee as I was wearing a blue shirt and could help her. I guess I could have been offended, but I chose to help her instead. I could not find a suitable substitute for her missing lamp and said if she followed me home, I might be able to find something. I called my wife on my way home, providing Kathy with great amusement. I could not find anything suitable at home either but offered to order something, which she accepted. I was able to find a part on-line, and Kathy varnished the wooden car. In a few days, the elderly lady came by and picked up her car and was delighted. That day I taught myself a lesson in humility and the service of others.

?Kathy and I returned to Canada in the Summer of 2016. The years in the US were good, and I truly love America. Had I moved there when I was younger I would have never come back. Kathy, on the other hand, was over the moon to be home, and it worked out for the greater good. Because my American born children have special needs resulting from their trauma; I had known for some time I may need to be in a larger city with access to better services. Vancouver has some excellent services, and we have been fortunate to get the kids world class care. The first 5 years with my daughter were very difficult and drained both my wife and me in innumerable ways. The help we have gotten in Vancouver has been excellent, and results have been nothing short of miraculous, but she still struggles. My son put skates on for the first time in the summer of 2016 and has done well at hockey. We have travelled across BC and Arizona on adventures with our Georgia family, and life has been good. Furthermore, my life back in Canada was less demanding I am able to help Kathy and take a greater role in raising the children. This has been very positive as well. ?

In the end, life can be unfair, but we all have choices. We can be bitter and resentful about what happens to us, or we can move on. Dad taught me that, never see yourself as a victim (sugar cookie)

As I mentioned my son now plays hockey and loves the game. He can be very negative, blame his team and give up when losing. I happened to find a commencement speech by Admiral McRraven to the University of Texas graduating class. It is very good, and Matthew and I watched it together, and have watched it several times since. The address contains ‘10 things Bill learned in basic seal training.’ We discussed Matthew needed to make his bed every morning, that sometimes bad things happen to us but that is just the way life is sometimes - that is we do all the right things and work hard, but still wind up a sugar cookie. But that we need to keep moving forward anyways. We also discussed how he should never ring the bell, never give up. We discussed Bill’s 10 things I learned in seal training within the context of my experience of being fired, something he had witnessed firsthand. After which he returned to the things that can hold a 10-year old boys interest and I was uncertain if I had made in progress. A month went by, and Matthew and I were away at a Hockey tournament, in which he played well, but his team was relegated to the consolation round. On the long drive home, Matthew commented that he wasn’t happy about losing because he had worked hard, but that he was going to keep training, learning and moving forward. He also said he would never ring the bell. A week later he and his sister came down and said they had made their beds.

?Sophia and Matthew are really a product of the opioid epidemic and remain an enormous challenge. Matthew has made giant strides, but Sophie continues to struggle but we continue to try new ways for her to be successful. Much of Matthew’s gains can be attributed to hockey and my wife’s total commitment to them. Hockey associations and coaches can be difficult as they really don’t understand what we deal with. It’s not their fault and hopefully they never will. But there have been some truly outstanding mentors teachers like Mark Soares of Maxx Force Hockey, Eric Hasselmann a Coach at CMHA and Don Newman a Coach at PMHA. These folks have a deep commitment to the game and the kids and I am truly grateful.?

Life has funny twists and turns. Shortly after I obtained my University of Calgary engineering degree in the 1980s my father and I were on a ferry to Vancouver Island and he asked me “if I ever thought I’d be here.” Fast forward 40 years…did I ever think I would be teaching children of trauma I adopted in the deep south how to skate or snowboard and overcome their fears and life’s obstacles? ?Who could?

But I do know this. My father taught me not to be a sugar cookie, and my wife taught me working safely can change your life.