DAD JOB: A Serious & Different Modern American Journey

These excerpts from DAD-JOB reveal a unique perspective of being a dad in modern America. And the insights of the contributors might surprise you. A MUST SHARE & READ sneak preview.

As you read, experience the heart ache, the joy, and the realities faced by one of the most under researched populations. From "single-dad-data" to "married-stay-at-home" fathers, this journey takes a deep dive into the evolution of the fastest growing career in America: the DAD-JOB

From the four fold increase in the past twenty years of single-and-disabled fathers to fathers empowering their wives by manning-the-home-front in the modern economy, to fathers fighting for their paternal rights, to those working to create a new norm in the family routine in the aftermath of war, crime, poverty and injustice - this book reveals insights and findings focused on the different journey.

The following are excerpts from research collected from Dr J Paul Rand, MBA, CPC 2019 Publication, The DAD-JOB:

In 2016 the Pew Research Center reported that the fastest growing subculture in America was the rise of the single-disabled father. This report was followed up with New York Times features, but all guesses stopped short answering why the four-fold increase in the number of single and disabled fathers in America. ..... .....

There are several reasons for this increase:

• War on Terror: since 2001 while there has been under 15,000 deaths in this on-going conflict on two theaters of war, there have been over 50,000 injuries - many leaving individuals permanently disabled.
• Great Recession: those fighting the War on Terror, and their peers, are the only generational cohort that has yet to recoup the losses of the recession; in fact, when relying on data from the "Modern Lost Generation" (1978-1986) and adjusting for inflation, this cohort earns less per capital than those older and younger; they experienced a full throttle depression; and 80% of those fighting the war on terror - overseas and domestically - come from this generational cohort.
• Modern Economy: during the Great Recession, the New York Time (2017) reported 70% of all jobs that were lost were held by men; as of 2018 all lost jobs had been recovered in America, with 85% being reclaimed by women. This shifted the majority of women not only attending and graduating college, but also within the work place. Spearheaded by the technological revolution and the rise of people-centered focus in the workplace, more women have taken the place as "breadwinner" resulting in a skills gap - at work - for unemployed men.

These changes are multidimensional ranging from social, emotional, intellectual, opportunistic, fiscal, professional and beyond .... FOLLOW RSOLUTIONS for your chance to win free first print & autographed copy! Through the various drivers that have created the social, fiscal, professional climate to create the fastest growing profession in America, a reality is becoming clear that not many DAD's have been prepped, trained, or supported in the DAD-JOB.

In fact, according to the Pew Research Center, for every single mother living in poverty in America, there are three single dads (what is worse? Most of them are disabled).

This publication sought to capture REAL, RIGHT, and seminal stories from the field of the fastest growing career in America - the life of the modern dad. Across the study a clear theme emerged: The DAD-JOB is a serious and difficult modern journey....

CHALLENGED: Disabled Dependents - "Learning to Learn" their language

This contribution features a father focused on the DAD-JOB while co-raising several children, one with a developmental delay. It creates an interesting juxtaposition between DAD-JOB data pertaining to every parent, but then very unique data for those making life-long sacrifices to raise disabled children until late in adulthood. Insights were collected among this small but very important segment of DADs so that the final publication represents a collection of truths from the perspective of being dad, being a husband, being in a life-long career...

Parents raising children with physical or developmental delays face the real prospect of being a parent for 30, 40, 50 years. Their perspective is one of timelessness and gives perspective to set a tone about the serious duty that is expected in the DAD-JOB.

In this case, the realities of external judgement, internal exhaustion, hope, and joy in the slightest achievements is presented. It serves to focus the remaining sections on the seriousness of questions we more commonly face such as concerns of college, career, safety, and health of our children as they grow older; because those with children of developmental or physical delay have a uncertainty as to if or when their role on a daily basis does end - for some, it will as technology and companies seek for more inclusion. For others it is a life long journey. This chapter is dedicated to small programs such at Camp Beausite in Washington State dedicated to providing multiple one-week long fully-staffed camp programs for children and adults who are developmentally or physically delayed. This one week being often the only break each year parents get from their full-time, life-long duty.

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As a man, we think differently. Our emotions are Raw. Pure. Real.

Today I met with an old-timer. In a matter of seconds I knew all I had before me, was experienced in all he had lived prior to me. As a man, I grew up believing the sun rose and set on having boys. As fate turned out I was blessed with a step-daughter, and two daughters. But, I do have one son. And he is developmentally delayed. But with love, with laughter, with learning to learn patience, learning to learn his language, learning to learn to be in the DAD JOB quite possibly forever, he will go far.

He just put his son of 55 years into an adult assisted living home.

55 years in the dad-job. 55 years of pain, focus, hope, want, desire, stress, love and laughter. And where my thoughts for my son, can quickly bring me near tears - his thoughts of his son and their journey quickly brought him near tears. The DAD-JOB is real; it is difficult; it is serious. ... ... ...

As the adage goes, the eyes are the gateway to the soul. There are times when all communication is futile, but embracing him until he will finally make eye contact. In those deep brown eyes, he finds comfort. His expression tells me he understands, but he is not the same as others. And I never know if or when that might change. Will some connection, some spark occur that makes him more normal than not?

Some parents are haunted by the stares and looks because of clear physical disabilities and cognitive impairments, unless experienced or trained, at first sight you would not suspect my son to be anything other than normal. Until, of course, he speaks and you realize he speaks using sounds and languages and behaviors that not normal from a child his size. Until you see the fit of over-stimulation, or object-obsession where despite the glances people give, as Dad you simply must make sure he doesn't harm himself despite how public the episode to be.

My worst day, I recall, in the dad-job I totally lost it in the car.

I was fed up with the crap. The purse BS and always being extra positive trying hard to be a strong model for all the kids. The afternoon had started well. The weather had improved after several days of being confined. I took my son on an errand. We took our time walking around the hardware store. I would point to a light. He would repeat the sounds similar to the word light. But it would take several iterations before he looked up and all all of the lights on display. Then he would repeat the word in his own language. ... ... ...

...... ...... ......

He is smart, he does learn. He has his own language and we have worked hard to understand his communication. How difficult must it be to learn to behave in a world where no one but you speaks your language? Where no one but him speaks and thinks how he comprehends. ... .... He often does not comprehend nor relate that we have heard, seen, or responded to his communication. ... .... ...

The escalation starts with a build-up of repeated statements, sounds, noises (his communication). Then a fit may set in. His legs, back, and neck stiffen so much he actually inverts backward making so his head and feet make a sideways U. If the fit is bad enough he will fall, so upon starting focus is required not to worry about what other pathetic and unsympathetic people see and do with their ridiculous smartphones or "more Holy than thou" opinions on parenting. The focus in the dad-job is mission-critical - make sure he doesn't hit his head, fall, or otherwise harm himself.

Because he looks normal, and because he is not on the ground in convulsions having an epileptic seizure, people quickly assume: poor parenting.

People stare.

People furrow their brows.

People don't want to understand, unless they have walked in those shoes - it's easier to judge. Well I got news for you, your perfect kid will grow up and do drugs, commit crime, be another cog in the wheel. I am just saying, see I can judge right back at ya.... ... .... ...

.... ..... ....

When I met that old timer, he looked me in the eye only once in that discussion. The one look was all either of needed to know, we get it. We have lived it. And you think you can understand, but you simply can't. Yet, for those living it. One look in the eyes and we know, we get it. Its Raw. Pure. It's there. It's an emotion deep within, only someone having been in this Dad-Job really gets....

....... ....... ...... ...... ..... REAL ..... ....... ...... ...... .....

Today at lunch a clear member of the DAD-JOB profession came into the restaurant I was at, literal eye contact and a head nod knowing we spend more time in sweats, tore-up jeans, and tennis shoes than business-causal attire. In an instant glance we knew that we spend so little time in business casual that when we get to dress up, we take longer than the ladies in the house - concerning given neither of us has any hair! Sadly it's known by a look we share a profession, but it's not spoken of still.

It remains taboo.

While homosexuality, gay and lesbian marriage, sexual assault victims all rightfully have gain awareness, discourse, and attention - the fundamental fact remains that men who do not work are judged.

Doesn't matter we are disabled; doesn't matter we may be using our teaching degrees to raise disabled children at home; it doesn't matter we are proud of our wickedly smart wife with higher education earning great money in an important professional career!

The fact remains that it was OK when 40% of us were out of work in the recession, but as the recession ended, it became NOT COOL we still were unemployed. While many have turned to drugs, that is not the case for us all. But we are judged.

He carried his children in - a transferable skill from child to child I have learned - and was met by his wife -clearly on the professional path. Over lunch my disabled son became fixated on their table. With two youngsters how could he not?

Am I supposed to put him in a shirt that says, "Patience Please"? A shirt that says "Autistically Awesome"?

I did better this time. Attempting to reign-in focus; avoiding any sensory increases. He was so happy today. So I let him intrude because frankly it was nice to have a break to take time to pay the bill, get my jacket on, and well another DAD-JOB, INC member was cued into realizing I've got a great gig, but a difficult JOB by comparison. Sad we are judged for our job but judge because our kid is different - of course, the in audibility and random to severe outbursts are because of poor parenting, not the unseen disability.

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I did better today. Every week I improve. I focus on him: sense his routines, avoid the outbursts, readjust the bs chores of the day according. And honestly, most days rock!

Music, chores "Knees Up", "chu-chu-naines" - and I share those words of his language with expectation anyone with a sense of education can interpret. Believe me you have not experienced life until learning to interpret a new language... ... ...

To day he had a great day, he was the life of the party (until the end). This time I was lucky, two young girls playing realized my little man was different. They giggled a bit at some of his, well, less than appropriate behavior I could not nip in time. But they were patient and they were willing to give him a chance to interact.

When it was time to leave, he was of course heartbroken. The usual techniques failed and the escalation was more intense. I have learned this happens on the degree of positive-exposure - the greater the fun, the greater the total environmental exposure; then the more quickly and severe a sensory outburst can occur. We suspect autism, but it is diagnosed for now. He has his own language and thus can not be tested....

My focus this afternoon was gradually lowering him to the floor. The outburst was extreme and I did not have a good grip. Fortunately, I redirected him well enough that I did not have to lay him on the floor for fear of his safety. But, I still did better. I did not lose my cool; I did not care a security guard was apprehensively watching me.... I just did not want him to hurt himself. Darious Rucker, the singer/songwriter, said it best, "it won't last long... soon he will be grown up and gone"

That's probably the piece that pulls me back in the most - reminds me to just slow down. After all, chances are he won't be gone and will need his mother and I for years to come. There are not jobs for the handicap, and the developmentally delayed are one of the most under represented populations in working America. So the reality is we will have our little side kick and his special language for a long time. Days when he regresses are the most difficult; when his audibility decreases to near zero, where he gets lost into repetitive motions, repeating phrases, uncontrolled volume levels.

Let's put it this way, it is tough at times... ... ....

Been Gone: Excerpt from "Carpe Diem" by a Combat Veteran

Depicts the struggles of adjusting to the full-time DAD-JOB after having been deployed multiple times and then injured overseas; in this depiction the wife was deployed multiple instances. In this case the struggles of being in the DAD-JOB and learning-to-learn who his kids were after missing many years of their youth; then to be the primary and only parent for equal numbers of the years depicts the sacrifices made by our service personnel and their children. This case focuses on the four-fold rise of the number of single and disabled fathers in America, many of whom are combat veterans.

It depicts REAL and RAW emotions and experiences of finding RIGHT in the DAD-JOB from the perspective of our heroes serving overseas. It examines the beauty of the DAD-JOB role in helping a veteran discover well-being and take charge to persevere. See the full publication for insights and perspectives.

KILLING GROUNDS: Hallways of K-12 - a story of being at a loss for words

The chapter title says it all. Loss.

From school shootings, to bomb threats (many not even reported publicly), from rich neighborhood to poor, the reality of school shootings was defined my senior year in High School - with the first US based shooting at Columbine. That fall, following the shooting, I recall interacting with students at my new College who were literally still in shell shock from their experience at Columbine just months prior. I had no clue how the influence would carry forward into the DAD-JOB as I reflect back and contribute this segment of the book for the readers...

"I've been at a loss for words since it happened..." Though the conversation with a victim of the Columbine shooting was 20 years ago, I left the conversation with her at that statement and we never spoke of it again....

Nearly 20 years later I recall vividly being woken up early one morning.

The text was brief. Limited.

It communicated (for us) the critical information, but it communicated so much more. "mom. dad. there was a shooting. (VICTIM) is dead. I was not there. I am ok.) Just one year prior that young man sat in my home-based office, going through the obligatory interview before being allowed to take my step-daughter cliff-diving. And now, on the eve of graduation he was deceased. The victim of another high school student who arrived at a party with a semi-automatic machine gun and killed four students and wounded countless more from my daughter's high school. The shooting occurring at a home just doors from my best-friend's home that I spent summers at growing up. A safe, quiet, and good neighborhood.

The victim was a fine young man, willing to endure this right of passage. He was respectful and clear.

Several months prior I had to speak to him 1:1. Unlike others, I actually liked this kid. He was too kind. Too concerned. Too willing and giving. I tried to explain to him that 17 year old girls don't see the good guy as THE good guy, until they are much older. As a young step-father I tried to relate to him how important it was to be a good guy, but learn to play the game man! Especially when you have the step-dads support.

Regardless of what mom and I hoped for, the two remained close friends. While some claim there is no such thing as platonic friends between men and woman, having had three in my life-time I know that is crap. Men and women can be friends. Argue all you want, I will gladly put my PhD in psychology against your opinion. More importantly, consider embracing your friends because you are lucky to have four or five in a life-time.

In this case, he died. Most of America - like most K12 shootings- has moved on and forgotten. But his dad has not, nor ever will. As a step-dad to his friend - platonic or not - I have not forgotten.

As for the great debate - guns in America- I am not interested. Drugs are illegal, and we have been losing a war to drugs for years. Guns illegal and K12 will still be a target for killing grounds. Having worked as a consultant in K-5 systems, having mentored my step-daughter through high school, having provided PTSD programs and strategies to schools where shootings occurred, having seen her generation wall up and say nothing, I am left pondering on those words from a student who was at Columbine. Sept 30th 1999.

I think that sums up the role of being in the Dad-Job well for this chapter. It's serious and difficult business; being in the dad-job, and I feel her comments to me nearly 20 years ago say it perfectly for this chapter: "I'm at a loss for words....."

KIDNAPPING: Crime & Consequence - a story of destruction

This account follows a series of unfortunate events including an attempted homicide and kidnapping attempt. It depicts the frustration experienced by innocent victims of crime when a court-system believes that only the MOM-JOB exists and the DAD-JOB does not. Despite the fact that 85% of all jobs lost in the recession were held by men, and over 70% of those jobs were replaced by women, the fact remains our court system is the primary advocate for antiquated and outdated gender bias.

In these case studies, the long standing tradition of the courts to award total and full custody to mothers. This despite their involvement in drugs, alcohol, sex, and life choices that leave their children in harms way. The case further highlights how women routinely violate court orders, seize custody of children, and otherwise go unpunished for removing a father from the DAD-JOB: a reality that when the role is reversed, the same actions gain the father national attention on CNN.

These cases highlights that equality in the workplace and compensation in the working-world demands fathers have equality in the court room for their rights, too.

America is changing, but allowing the pendulum to swing full cycle not only harms those trying to be effective in the DAD-JOB, but also their working spouses and children (in situations of blended families) who become victim of the courts that continue to hold to a blind-truth that MOM knows best - despite the drugs, booze, or poor behavior she chooses in life. GET THE FULL PUBLICATION, FOLLOW RSOLUTIONS FOR DETAILS.

Creative Depiction: A prosperity-focused job description of the Dad-JOB!

The full publication of the DAD-JOB adheres to a principle of teaching to learn. This segment of the reading is supported with a scientific process for creating a modern "DAD JOB" description and resume. This is directly tied to a philosophy of seeking the prosperity-motive. This motive examines three principles: purpose, passion, and profit of option for the DAD-JOB.

• Purpose, meaningfully serving?
• Passion, having fun?
• Pursuit, getting something for my time?

Relying on these principles, each case is examined against modern literature and character sketches defining the DAD-JOB to help highlight the simple truth that the prosperity-motive can help guide a family toward well-being through a process of "speed to patience" and effectively seeking REAL and RIGHT methods to REACH children, to support and empower working-wives in their changing roles, and action steps to take regardless of children's ages to maximize the return of investment on the experience and performance of the DAD-JOB.

This model was constructed to help provide a common direction for those contributing research to this publication, but without pre-defining, assuming, or measuring performance. The dad-job is person, and one striking revelation was clear from the dads - the tendency to want their children to self-define without parenting influence. The view that the dad-job is a coach - meant to help the child master who THEY wish to be come, much like a coach helps a football team (and each respective player) master their own performance - while moving toward a common, positive, shared victory.

SOLUTIONS: REAL, RIGHT, REACH - research-based framework

The concepts of REAL, RIGHT, and REACH are rooted in applied sciences of research and learning. These create a framework to guide the role of a DAD-JOB so that through the undefined and unique experience, a consistent process and standard can be relied upon to master the journey toward well-being. After all, happiness, wellness, and being-dad are a journey - it's the ride that matters more than the destination.

To guide fathers, Dr J Paul Rand, MBA, CPCN focuses on multiple important tips to help maximize the REAL experience of being in the DAD-JOB; to help focus on being RIGHT as a leader and father; and to ensure you REACH the children at their level. After all, as little humans - it is their life, their wants, their beliefs and the DAD-JOB is responsible to shepherd that progress, not define the outcome. To assist in this process, this article will conclude with T3: Tips & Tricks of the Trade - the best and most influential advice fathers can give, that science supports, and that children absolutely love and appreciate from their heroes in the DAD-JOB. ... ... ...

So you are going to be a dad... Well, it's a lot easier than you might think; the dad job is about being leading as a man. If you have a little girl you will understand; and if you have a son, you will find a love for his mother much deeper than ever before. After all the world is full of Daddy's little girls and mommy's little man...

Drawing from the testimonies of fathers involved in this investigation, a process was conducted to create a scientific framework based on what improved the experience and role of "being dad" in the moment. These are not secrets or instructions; these are just the basic everyday things you can do to engage and enjoy your job. Using various analysis processes, a procedure was created based on what experiences and performance steps either enhanced the confidence of dad's involved in the study; or aided their family as a tool providing strength in working through the struggles of being a dad; and has been summarized into a basic guiding framework... The following are tips and tricks of the trade (T3) methods of engagement in the DAD-JOB. .... .... ....

T3: Tips & Tricks of the Trade

• Recreate (yourself) with Recreation- FOCUS on them by teaching the way as a leader!

Kids do not care if you are fat. They do not care what color you are, or anyone else is for that matter. They do not care about the twin-towers, the wars, the sports games, what they care about most is when DAD is at their level, on the ground, crawling around... they laugh, they hug, they are literally tickled pink. This doesn't change as they get older. While their level may change, in the end recreate yourself. This is not about being their friend, this is about reaching them at a REAL level. A relationship level that engages and aligns their love FOCUSED on a healthy relationship.

Kids don't care about your job, your weight, your bills, your car, they just want you to play with them. Teach them to fish. Teach them ball games. Teach them to play the game of life with honor, with professionalism, with character, with patience. When you invest in recreation you are more likely to promote well-being for yourself and your children (Rand, 2014; Carruthers & Hood, 2007). Studies show that individuals who buddy-up in recreational events and participation have decreased suicidal thoughts, decreased rates of depression, decreased tendencies to become addicted to drugs, alcohol, or other extreme life behaviors. What's best - most guys enjoy the fact that sports and recreation removes the need to talk - it opens up a natural state of mindfulness: together.

• Relate - Learn when they ask why?

When they ask WHY, as annoying as it might be: STALL time and focus on them. Stop. Think. Answer. Listen & Learn together, or STALL time by focusing on understanding life from their perspective. This is much easier than one might expect. Science teaches us one of the simplest methods is called coaching. A process of simply asking questions in an unbiased forward-progress focused manner.

Coaching is a simple process of asking non judgmental questions. It is rooted in a belief that the child has the answer, and that in the DAD-JOB your job is to help them think, act, learn, and lead the way. Relate to their level of uncertainty by avoiding telling them how to be or what the outcome should (or could) look like but instead focus daily on coaching to relate.

Read, (W)rite, & Recite (adapted from Learning to Learn, Rand, 2011; 2013; 2015):

• Read - the lost art of parenting.

Whether your kids are little and you read children's books such as "Anthony the Mouse" or you invest in a the Heart Land series for a daughter or the Hardy Boy novels for your son, the time spent reading is a missed opportunity that can't be gotten back. Reading is a skill that is imperative in active learning to promote the health and development of any individual. Studies show that individuals spending time actively reading (along with actively noting) increase their learning up to 3-fold in any given life situation. By reading to your children you empower their imagination and promote healthy brain development (Rand, 2011).

• (W)rite - Journal (their story) as your daily mission in the Dad Job.

Document all the little things that they do, but do so by putting pen to paper. Something of substance and significance that is different than time on a screen or computer. Show them the value of living an "organic life" in this tech-focused world. Give them a gift that no one else can see, access, or cherish - just the two of you.

• Recite: tell them stories.

Unlike reading, the act of recite is to share the verbal and create thought provoking insights in a different manner. It is the art of leading with parables. It is the significance of choosing kind, powerful, meaningful, significant words that focus on forward progress, that promote a health life philosophy that ALL problems are an opportunity. Children should be raised with the truth, but be focused and brave to be gentle with the truth. Teach them, read to them, write their story in a journal but help lead them with the RIGHT type of patience, caring, loving, and insightful talk - not banter, gossip, or negativity.

?ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Dr J Paul Rand, MBA, CPCN is an award-winning Heuristic Researcher with two-decades of mixed-method research, a PhD in psychology, and an MBA. He worked for an boutique consulting firm leveraging methods of learning, training, and development by working at the intersect of higher-education, professional association, and corporate learning as an IO/OD research psychologist before turning his focus to his time and role in the DAD-JOB. As a researcher he is featured as a participant in the publication along with his co-researchers.

You can hear his FORBES RADIO interview on LINKEDIN and follow his pre-publication releases at RSolutions.

Dr J Paul Rand, MBA, CPCN, has several publications and focuses his writing on crafting Little Moment quick readers that are "organically different" and link people, culture, and community through research. He is the Author of multiple publication. He has taught at Seattle Pacific University in business and psychology and at Boise State University, Center for Professional Development. He is widely respected as a top 1% researcher on LinkedIN. Other speaking and publication topics on LINKEDIN by Rand include:

"Leadership: A Culture", evidence-based presentation that leadership is not a noun defining the top of an organization, but that it is a culture that can be created with intent and by design.

"Veteran Success: linking people, teams, and cultures of leadership" with Rhodes Scholar and combat Veteran Colonel Russell Gold (ret.); "Learning to Learn"

"Career Development System" a comprehensive LinkedIN toolkit that has been endorsed by over 1200 hiring professionals and directly contributed to the hiring of thousands of Veterans at Amazon, Starbucks, Boeing and other clients of Rand's. In 2018 he published a ten year study on labor economics titled,

"ALL Things Personnel Development" and in currently working on his 2020 featured publication: City of Companies: modern approach to organizational development.

Dr J Paul Rand, MBA, CPCN is available to speak on each of these publications, or to provide contacted training (fully accredited for educational degrees or professional certification) through the Strategic Learning Alliance or their affiliated international college. He can provide lecture, speaker, or applied learning conference participation and can be contacted through Linked in or at www.jpaulrand.com

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