Dad Had Secrets that nearly destroyed us all

By Robert Bauer MA JD

(a story told from the eyes of an LEO child)

I saw the light come on from under the crack of my door. Its 3 a.m., Dad must be home from work. He is safe now, so I know that I can go to sleep. He is home. But before I close my eyes, I decided to go give him a hug.

I gently climbed out of my bed and slowly opened my door. I walked towards the kitchen where when I turned the corner, I could see the back of my father sitting at the table.

As I got closer to him, I could see he was looking at his phone like he might be reading something. I noticed that his body was slightly bent forward, and it was jerking. I could hear him crying. I stopped in my tracks. “Is my father okay?”

In a soft voice, I gently asked, "daddy, are you okay?" As though he had been startled, he quickly sat up, he appeared to wipe his face and turned around. He looked at me with a small smile on his face, he asked, "Young lady, aren't you supposed to be in bed?"  I responded, "Daddy, I just wanted to give you a hug and kiss, goodnight." He reached out with his big strong arms grabbing me, pulling me close to him. He held on very tightly like he didn’t want to lose me. He gave me a slight kiss on the cheek told me he loved me then sent me off to bed. 

I shuffled off to my room, climbed into my bed wondering, "Is my dad okay?" as I laid my head on my pillow and fell off to sleep.

But in the morning, I told my mom that daddy was crying at the table this moring. I asked her if daddy was okay.

Mom told me that early this morning, a friend of his had died on the job, and it affected him greatly.

Days went by, Dad began to change. He seemed so distant from all of us. He didn't want to do things anymore, but just work. Things changed around the house, mom and dad stopped sleeping in the same room. It seemed like anytime they were in the same room they fought all the time, screaming and yelling at each other.  My dad wasn't the same person anymore.

We used to talk a lot. He would help us with our homework. He would take us fishing with him. He would take us places wherever he went. But now Dad was spending more time at work and was missing a lot of our school and sporting events.

My brother was into sports, he had asked dad to come to his games, but dad told him they were just expedition games they didn't count. He said he would go to them when they were championship games. This hurt my brother.

When dad was home, he wasn’t there. He was spending more time in the basement and away from the family. He seemed to be angry all the time and would yell at us kids, usually for little things. We were afraid of him.

Mom and Dad eventually split up. Dad moved out without any warning or reason. He left us feeling like we didn't matter to him. I and my brother and sisters wondered what we did wrong. Why would our father leave us without telling us why?

He seemed like he was in a lot of pain most of the time. I caught him once or twice crying in the basement. I was worried about my father, I wanted to help him, though I didn't know-how. I didn't want to loose my daddy.

I know he started attending church a lot. He found some friends that seemed to make a difference for him. I saw daddy coming back.

After awhile I heard that my dad was going to be talking about his experiences. I went to hear my Dad talk to a group of Veterans and Law Enforcement Officers. For the first time, I heard my Dad's story. I cried because I understood how, in his own way, he was trying to protect us from his secrets.   But he said the longer he kept those secrets, the more afraid he became that his family would find out. So, he then started to keep those secrets to protect himself. He elaborated that his secrets destroyed who he was, then it destroyed his marriage and destroyed his relationships with his children. He told them he became a prisoner to his past mistakes.

He then begged this group of people not to do what he did. He said when you start to feel like you are in trouble, ask for help. He encouraged them not to hide behind a wall or a mask. Dad told them that at the end of his career, he received a gold badge that had Retired engraved on it and a monthly pension. He reminded them that he had worked hard all those years only to lose more than he gained all because he was afraid to ask for help.

My image of my father changed that day.  

Note: this is a familiar story told amongst children of 1st Responders and survivors of Post-Traumatic Stress and Shame and Guilt. Unfortunately, some of those in pain do not survive. Those that did not survive gave into the voices hoping to end the pain. Unfortunately, the pain doesn't end with the passing of the person. It becomes like a generational curse; suicide leaves so many holes to be filled in. There are no answers to "Why." It just keeps on living from one generation to another. Yet remember the ones that are battling these wars are not weak or broken; instead, they are wounded and some die from their wounds.

As of this writing, there are nearly a quarter of a million (250K) men and women, that are sworn officers battling an enemy they were never trained to come up against, PTSD and shame and guilt.

As of this writing there are 169 men and women who wore the LEO uniform that ended their lives. There are countless men and women that wear the uniforms of all 1st Responders that are falling into a hole they seem not to be able to free themselves from. We then also have our Veterans who succumb to the pain as well.

 The effects of trauma are gravely impacting the families of Veterans and 1st Responders. The suicide rate is increasing as is teen suicides, along with drug addictions, alcoholism, self-harm, the increase of sexually transmitted diseases.

 Un-managed pain can manifest itself in many ways. 

 "A man's soul is worth fighting for."

Author: Robert Bauer, MA JD is a retired law enforcement officer, a former US Army Combat Infantry Soldier, a College Professor, Transformational Speaker, Writer/Author. He is the founder and President of Warriors Heart USA and the National Director to the Stronger Alliance.

Bob is committed to reaching into the communities of our most precious assets; Veterans, 1st Responders, and their families. A survivor himself of PTSd, he understands the feelings of loneliness and exhaustion. He understands the sense of betrayal and rejection. He knows what it feels like to sit with a loaded gun in your lap, asking yourself, "have I reached that point yet?"

 If you find yourself feeling isolated and alone as you try to navigate through the traumatic minefield of life, shoot up a flare for help, and we will respond to your call.

"A man's soul is worth fighting for."