Cut back the noise...

These days, most of us adults are busy adjusting to the ‘new-normal’, and so engulfed in the process, that we forgot that kids too are going through the same adjustment process to a new world that they barely can understand.?

This thought occurred to me when, a couple of days back, I went down for a walk, and overheard a conversation between a father and his teen son. ?

The son wanted to start his cricket lessons, meet up with friends and go for a vacation to Delhi where his grandparents and cousins lived. He was negotiating hard and trying to nail into one or the other. The father on the other hand was sceptical of his elaborate plans in the given pandemic and agreeing to none. The exchange was fairly heated.

The son finally cycled away much in anger and frustration, while the father shook his head in despair.

What happened?

As a third person listener, I could clearly see the disconnect. There was no active listening happening. Both of them heard in order to respond, not heard in order to understand.

Both of them wanted to put across their own thought and feelings. Neither of them wanted to listen and understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings.

What occurred to me is that, this is probably something we all do, and never notice. I am no psychologist, and no expert in this matter, but as a third person and operating from a neutral space, I could see that. In our corporate life that’s why they say there is a huge significance in operating from a neutral space, things look different and perspective changes.

I empathised with the son’s frustration. He was a teen and confined to the four walls of the house. That’s painful, and I wished the father would acknowledge that before diving straight into the threatening condition of the environment.

Standing there, my reading was that the father should have made space for his son to vent his frustration. Listened. Acknowledged that his wanting to meet his friends is very normal. Understood that what he was saying was very valid. Empathised with him.

What does active listening mean?

I came back home and dug into the internet, and this is what I found –

Active listening means listening to both the verbal and the non-verbal part of the communication.

Listening to the silence and body language.

Listening to what the person is not saying.

Listening to his choice of words.

Listening to his repetition of words and phrases.

Listening to his metaphors.

Rephrasing and Summarising.

Allowing space for pauses and silence.

It’s not easy.

I have learned that if I want to actively listen, silencing the noise within helps. And given the ‘noisy’ environment we function in, the switch-on and switch-off is not easy. I am trying, and maybe some rigorous practice is needed to inculcate the ability as a natural habit.?

The Blanchard Companies recent survey states that 81% of leadership failure is attributed to failing in active listening. The thin top brass leadership band is filled with bigger noises and they fail to listen to the broader band of employees who actually does the work. They feel unheard and hence dissatisfied.

As a human, we know that it may not be possible for the other person to solve all our problems, give all that we want, do all that we ask for, but we can always give the other person our full presence and listen actively.

Feeling heard and understood is an underrated pleasure, but has immense value when it comes to connecting two people or people in an organization.

I found that whenever I start a conversation with, “Last time you said/ Last time what we discussed…”, the dialogue tends to go much smoother. Maybe it assures the other person that since I remember what he said the last time, I am giving him a good listening ear. I try and do it more often these days. It helps.

?The views expressed in the blog is purely mine and do not represent the opinions of any entity whatsoever with which I have been, am now or will be affiliated.?

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