The Currency of Conversation

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” 

?George Bernard Shaw 

Sometimes we think we’re giving it our all and we’re giving others our all. What happens when you, then, say something to the other party, very kindly, you think, that upsets them? And you wonder:  What is all that work I've been doing to make them happy? As a leader, it can be exasperating when you are “trying so hard” but others take your message in the wrong way. It feels like 2 steps forward, and 10 steps back. 

Well, it may be that all the work you are doing has a different value to the other person and their emotional bank account with you is not as full as you think. And, when you say something that upsets them, it may be more hurtful than you think. Where are you then? 

It helps to have a framework. This one is in the form of a checklist, and in the context of asking another to take on a priority with skill and verve.   

Check 1: Context. What is the context of your relationship? From your counter-party’s point of view: 

• Is the overall environment low or high stress? (Low-proceed; high-give more time/explanation) 
• Have you asked too much of them lately? (so, is this a priority worth rocking the boat for?) 
• Is your role their leader or their collaborator? Are you carrying your own weight? 

Check 2: Delivery/Timing. Was your setup up right? Did you: 

• Seek evidence they were in the right frame of mind to receive feedback? 
• Ask if they were open to input on this subject, at this time?  

Check 3: Alignment. Did you check whether, on this subject, you and your counter-party are aligned in the result and the approach? The farther away you and your counter-party are in terms of result or approach, the more you should allow for time or explanation to dampen the blow of change in their mind. 

Check 4: Workload. Is this subject a priority? Sometimes you give too many priorities, and this item could become “the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

Check 5: The Counter-Party. Do you have a history with your counter-party that they are open and love learning and have shown evidence of meaningful change? If yes, proceed.   

Check 6: The End. If your counter-party is continually passive aggressive or closed to change (thereby it takes too much energy from you…), then it is time to change your counter-party for this specific priority. 

After all this, make sure your substance is right (not the subject of this post). Things such as: 

• Are you clearing blockages in the organization for your counter-party? 
• Does your counter-party have a history of succeeding at these kinds of tasks? 
• Have you explained the “why” of this priority and clearly defined the goals and plan? 
• Have you requested reporting back on this priority so you know they are on track (and can communicate again if not after 1-2 steps are taken)? 

I have clients, daily, pushing their agenda and pushing change hard. It is inevitable this conflict arises. Just last week, a client was pushing a new initiative before completing a 6-month major project. It tripped up his partner so badly that they had a major confrontation.  When we reset the above, both parties were able to re-align and move forward. 

It is possible, and happens all the time, but requires my leaders to review the context and reset the journey. 

Happy Achieving!