Be Curious, Not Judgmental

Thank you for reading “Biscuits with the Boss,” my new column that explores leadership strategies through the lens of my fictional icon: Ted Lasso. The name of the column comes from a scene in which Ted sets aside time with colleagues to talk about work over — you guessed it — biscuits. Every other week, I’ll share some new thoughts I’ve been grappling with and (hopefully!) leave you with a biscuit or two that you’ll want to take with you into your workday.  

Be Curious, Not Judgmental 

If we’ve connected through Linkedin, you know I am a HUGE Ted Lasso fan. If you’ve somehow missed it — but how?! — it’s a hit series on Apple TV where a British soccer team brings in an American football coach, Ted Lasso. And this week, the entertainment gods brought us Season 3. 

Whether you know Ted (yes, we are on a first-name basis) or not, I guarantee this story will resonate.

One of my favorite episodes (The Diamond Dogs, Season 1, Episode 8) involves a scene in which team owner, Rebecca Walton, is being publicly humiliated by her ex-husband, Rupert. Ted steps in and turns the tables in dramatic fashion — with a wager on a dart match — to help Rebecca to save face. 

The scene unfolds something like this (I’ve shortened and condensed it for our 2023 attention spans):

Ted: Guys have underestimated me my entire life…it used to bother me. But then, one day, I saw a quote by Walt Whitman, it was painted on the wall and it said, ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’

(Throws triple 20)— that’s darts! 

Ted: So all of a sudden, it hits me: All them fellas that used to belittle me, not one of them was curious. You know, they thought they had everything figured out, so they judged everything and they judged everyone. And…that had nothing to do with it. Because if they were curious they would have asked questions. Questions like, ‘Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?’ 

(Throws triple 20)—- that’s darts again. :) 

Ted: To which I would have answered, “Yes, sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father from age 10.” 

(Throws triple bullseye to win).

Ted’s point resonated more deeply because of how the scene began. See, before the wager, Rupert does ask Ted a question. He asks, “Do you like darts, Ted?” And Ted answers, “Oh, they’re okay.” That was Rupert’s fatal mistake. 

Rupert’s question was what we call a “closed-ended” question, where we automatically limit possible responses to two outcomes. Neither answer gives us a deeper look, and it’s proof positive that Rupert’s coming from a place of quick judgment, not genuine curiosity (of course, he’s the bad guy!). 

Avoiding close-ended questions is one of the first things they teach young journalism students. It means the difference between a medicore story and a Pulitzer-prize-winning one. 

If Rupert had started with an open-ended question, he might have learned more about his competition. He might have picked another game. He might have even wound up laughing the whole thing off and turning Ted into an ally. (Unlikely, but hey, stranger things have happened in a TV drama.)  

It’s a little scene in a subtle show, but it profoundly changed my approach to leadership. These days, my mantra is: Lead with curiosity. 

Let go of your ego and automatic judgments. Instead, ask open-ended questions to get to the root cause of any situation, even if — maybe especially if — you think you know the answer already. Dive deeper into getting to know whom you’re working with and leading.

A few of my favorite go-to open-ended questions:

• Help me understand why…
• Tell me more about…
• What do you think about…

I want to truly understand my organization and the people who make it run. Leading with curiosity — whether it’s regular meetings with team members to get updates or simply asking about someone’s motivation behind an initiative — has molded me into a more empathetic, discerning, and yes, decisive, leader. When in doubt, I ask. 9 times out of 10, the answers are more illuminating than I could have imagined.

This week’s biscuit: Be curious, not judgmental. You never have someone figured out. Seek to understand. Commit to a more genuine way of living and leading. Be a Ted, not a Rupert.